LM & Partnership & Dogs & My Work

[qos]

I have been very grateful for all the support I've received from friends as I've grieved LM, but sometimes I've had to bite my tongue and force a smile when someone -- usually an offline friend who isn't fully aware of the spiritual aspect of our bond -- makes a loving comment to the effect of You won't love someone else the same way you loved him, but you'll love someone else in a new way and it will be equally wonderful.

I don't necessarily rule that out -- the universe has surprised me before -- but I'm not counting on it. And usually the person speaking to me has no idea of the profound depth of the connection between LM and me. Our culture likes to talk about "soul mates" -- but the reality of it goes far beyond anything I've been able to find words for. I've been blessed by a number of passionate loves in my life; I know what it's like to love different men in different ways and find happiness with them. This is not in the same league.

Last week my friend Kay put an entirely different spin on the "You'll find someone new" offer of comfort. We were talking not about the grief of LM's death, but about my only-recently-recognized grief I've been feeling about the loss of the three-way partnership with him and Michael. After being a contented loner for most of my life, I had been utterly unprepared for how rich and comforting life could be with true partners: the companionship, the support, the sharing of the day-to-day chores, the trust that someone had my back, that I didn't have to be the only grown-up. I had come to believe they would be with me for the rest of my life. Finding myself utterly alone again was devastating -- and I had to work through all that grief again during my recent move.

I was talking to Kay about this, and she assured me that not only did LM want me to be happy, but he would bring me a new partner because he knew exactly what I needed. In fact, she had absolute faith that because of this conversation he was even now getting right to work on that.

And where did she get her conviction about this? From her experience with her dogs. She explained that she had a soul connection with her dogs and that when one died, he would send another to her, unless she specifically asked him not to -- because sometimes she just wasn't ready for a new dog to enter her life.

I sat there and stared at her and tried to find an appropriate way to respond. I don't doubt that she has a deep connection with her dogs. I'm not even going to doubt that they -- or some spirit who blesses this aspect of her life -- facilitates the arrival of a new dear companion for her. But I had to struggle to not be offended by her equating my soul marriage with LM to a relationship with a pet.

She went on to insist -- firmly and lovingly -- that just because I could do fine on my own didn't mean that I should. My ability to take care of myself wasn't in question. The issue was my being able to once again experience the joy and comfort of partnership.

I let her talk, and I was gracious, but I continued to feel deep resistance.

It was only later that I realized that my resistance had more to it than my sense of allergic reaction to sharing myself or my life with another man.



Historically, I am less when I am deeply involved with a man. I am a very passionate woman, and I love the companionship and the romance and the intimacy -- and I focus on that to the exclusion of a lot of other things. I was extremely happy when I was with LM and Michael -- and I accomplished very little.

Of course, there were other elements at play during this time: a frustrating job, living in the basement, etc. -- but it's a pattern that has repeated itself throughout my life, with only one exception. And in that case, the man with whom I was involved fostered my growth through getting me deeply involved in supporting his dreams and work, not my own. (Of course, I didn't have dreams or work at that time, so it's not like he took me away from anything. He provided meaning where I had none.)

Maybe it would be different now. When I was with LM and Michael I had not yet found my path. It was LM's death that brought me to that initiation. Maybe now that I've found my path, my work, a romantic partner could complement my life, not be a distraction and a diminishment. But I'm not so sure. When I look forward in my life, I see myself alone, and proud of my independence, and accomplishing quite a bit. When I imagine myself with a partner, I do see comfort and security and fuzzies, but I don't see the strength, the energy, the drive I have in other versions of the future.

It's not just about my relationship with LM -- it's about who and what I want to be, what I want my life to be about. Could I do and be all I want to be with a partner in my life? Maybe. But I have the feeling that unless someone comes along who is --

Just trying to finish that sentence was impossible. Imagining the man who could complement me and be so deeply engaged with my soul work was like stepping on a trip wire and having a barrier of spikes spring up out of nowhere.

It's all unfolding. . . . I don't know what lies ahead. Maybe I can have my priestess work, my path, and a partner. I doubt it, but then again I doubted that LM could exist too.

In any case -- my relationship with my husband is not to be compared with a series of pets!

Comments

[sekhmetkare.livejournal.com]

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

What a tough one to take from a friend. Of course she meant well, but OUCH! I can understand why you were upset by her choice of comparisons.

I felt a sense of deja vu when reading about your worries that you won't be able to realize your full potential if you are in a great relationship. I've had the same thoughts many times about my current (and FINAL) marriage. I love my husband greatly, and would NEVER want to lose him, but I also feel like I'm holding back in my spirituality in some ways because of my family. Time that I feel "should" be spent in working on my path is often spent with them doing rather unimportant things like watching TV. I'm still trying to find the balance in this area myself, and not doing a very good job, but hopefully the gods will understand.

Dynamic Balance

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

I can understand why you were upset by her choice of comparisons.

Yeah. . . and I couldn't see any way of trying to express that without denigrating her experiences, so I decided it was better not to say anything.

I'm still trying to find the balance in this area myself, and not doing a very good job, but hopefully the gods will understand..

I think finding that balance is one of the eternal challenges of the spiritual path when one has family. Part of the way I approach it is looking for the spiritual in even the most mundane elements of family/domestic life (not that I'm always good at it!).

For myself, I know that spending a certain amount of time watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer with Wolfling counts as quality time. We snuggle, we talk (a bit) about the issues the stories raise, and etc. But it's bad for *both* of us if we spend too much time at it.

I always thought I'd be a wife rather than a mother -- and though I think life would be much more comfortable with a husband, I'm probably growing more as a person being a mother. Being a single parent is a constant challenge, and a lot of it is on the spiritual level. Being Wolfling's mother makes me strive to become more than I am. While ideally that would happen with a husband/partner (and it does for many people), that's not usually what happened in my past.

Obviously for most people the mother/wife thing is not an either/or -- that's just how my expectations have played out.

Re: Dynamic Balance

[sekhmetkare.livejournal.com]

I have been a single mother, and I was also raised by one, so I understand the special challenges, both mundane and spiritual. Even when I was married to my son's father, I was basically a single mother much of the time, and I agree with you that it makes us grow in incredible ways! It's funny, my mother hated the fact that she had no partner to consult with and balance her decisions, while I frankly found it easier without one. In some ways, I find life more difficult WITH a man in it... **sigh**

My quality time with Stuart always seems to be at bedtime. For some reason, he rarely mentions a serious question or a problem until I announce I'm going to bed, just as when he was younger he would always wait until I told him it was HIS bedtime. In the beginning, it was probably a ploy to stay up later, but now it seems to be an established thing with him. Fortunately, I can usually tell when he's upset about something, and can frequently get him to talk earlier in the evening. Thank goodness my husband can talk anytime, otherwise I'd never get any sleep! :-)

[erl-queen.livejournal.com]

To me, it seems that the important focus should be on the one thing you can actually control: yourself. Which is where you seem to be right now. Making yourself self-sufficient, driven, and accomplished all on your own. Because even IF a new partner could come along and complement all that rather than hinder it, it's not as if you can dictate whether or not that will happen.

But as to those comments - yeah, I'm sure she meant well but I just can't see how the two could be compared. I'm not even sure you could really compare you & LM to the average *human* relationship, much less a human/animal one! A connection like you had and still have does not happen often, from what I can tell.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

Thanks. . .

Focusing on what I can control is a big theme in my life right now. I spent most of the past several years feeling like I had limited options and I didn't like any of them. Feeling in control is the main reason I'm feeling so much happier these days.

And thank you for the affirmation about my relationship LM.

[watcher457.livejournal.com]

Ugh. I'm sorry, hon. I'm sure it's hard to listen to your love being compared to a pet. She meant well, but it's hard. I get tongue-tied sometimes trying to offer comfort and say something callous instead, so I feel this.

You are an incredibly thoughtful person, aren't you? You have ethics that you've spent a lot of time thinking about and writing down, and have taken deep, serious looks at your future and the relationships in it. I admire that. Having heard you talk about LM... I'm with you. I can't believe a man like that, so perfect (for you anyways :) ) actually existed. When I hear about these kind of things, I'm always so baffled. How do these things really exist?

At any rate, my point was that it's tough to be alone. I've been that way all my life and I can't imagine having had what you did and then not having it. I admire your thoughtfulness and how much you seem to really know what you want.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

I think that at one time or another (or multiple times!) we've all said the wrong thing when trying to comfort someone else. Kay cares very deeply about me. It's not her fault that I haven't shared everything about LM with her.

How do they exist? The more time I spend exploring spirituality and meeting other people, the more astounded I am by the kinds of experiences that are possible: with other humans, with spirits, with gods. As for me, I remain stunned that LM is in my life, stunned at the new horizons he and Michael opened up for me.

Self awareness has always been very important to me. I'm not sure where it comes from, except that I have a passion to understand as much as I can -- including myself. My existential crisis was the catalyst that propelled me from just being a religious person to being on a spiritual quest. Once I didn't have the official doctrines of an institution there to respect, I couldn't stop asking my questions. One thing leads to another. . .

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

I have no business being this tired at only 9 pm. It isn't even properly dark yet!

My only point of saying that is to say, I know I have some worthwhile question to ask about this post and I can't formulate it out of the fog that is my brain. I do go along with you on the "boys are fun but life-with-boys is often less productive" bandwagon, yep...

I will try to be intelligent tomorrow, I promise.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

I had been hoping that you in particular would respond to this entry. It seemed to be an area where we would have some resonance.

This bit in particular was right on target for me:
I don't feel it'd be fair to ask someone to take a backseat to all of that, even if they knew it from the get-go. It's not impossible to be a priestess and have a partner...but for some of us it's not necessarily the best choice.

And this is another area where the degree to which one is "out" about one's less common practices and experiences becomes even more significant. If I don't share more with my friends about the full nature of my relationship with LM, they're going to keep making these caring/clueless comments. It's hard enough sometimes to share such things here. Most of the time I'd rather deal with the cluelessness than risk direct incomprehension and possible insult.

We're on opposite sides of the country, but I'd really like to go out for a drink with you sometime. . .