Out of Order

[qos]

I haven't logged in to this journal for a week.

This has been the most grueling move of my life, and it seems like little things keep cropping up that have kept me from being able to fully recover, consolidate my energy and focus, and move forward again. The only reason I'm at all coherent now is that I went back to bed after driving Wolfling to school and slept for two more hours.

Usually I'm pretty emotionally resilient. I have my low days, like everyone, but they usually only last a day. I'm not usually bothered by self esteem issues (sometimes lack of confidence vocationally, but not usually feelings of guilt or not being "worthy") -- but I've struggled with them over the past few days as well.

Lying in bed I felt myself all in knots: knots of frustration that I wasn't doing better with everything, knots of guilt about my lack of consistent, thorough spiritual practice and focused time with LM, about having fallen off my SparkPeople diet and exercise plan that I'd been sticking to so well before the move, about continuing to have a fraught relationship with Michael, even though I keep thinking I've reached a place of sane and friendly balance.

About the only thing I wasn't feeling bad about was my mothering. The good thing about the new, smaller place is that it's keeping Wolfling and I in closer contact. And we had a really good time together yesterday evening.

As I lay there in bed it finally occurred to me that getting all spun up about everything wasn't going to help. I consciously relaxed, and had the sudden image of the energy in my body looking like kinky barbed wire with stuff caught in it: snarled, spiky, a mess. So I closed my eyes, relaxed further, and started imagining gentle fingers running through the energy as if through tangled hair: not pulling or yanking, just carefully working the kinks and the burrs out. (Thoughts of jalkr and his horses crossed my mind. . .)

As the energy smoothed out I felt better and better on all levels. I wasn't entirely sure if the "fingers" were mine or those of an ally, but tried not to get caught up in trying to figure it out. I passed from that into sleep, where I finally had some really good dreams, including an intensely vivid sexual dream of being with an old boyfriend who later appeared to have been a stand-in/mask for LM. I had the distinct feeling that if he'd appeared as himself at first I would have gotten caught up in guilt and apologies, and he wanted to short-circuit that. But the energy was definitely his, and it's something I've been needing so desperately.

So now I'm up and awake and feeling more relaxed and centered. My apartment still has too many boxes and not enough shelves, but -- as I wrote elsewhere earlier -- today is a day to emulate Turtle, and focus on slow, methodical forward motion on a few constructive tasks. Any progress will help my mental state on multiple levels.

Comments

[dragonscholar.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you undid a lot of energy knots - I often find those lead to very vivid dreams and experiences myself.

It sounds like you've bounced back. I'm glad.