The Path & My Patterns
Dec. 24th, 2008 09:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosThe Path is kicking my butt -- and I would have turned away long ago if not for the endless patience, encouragement, and faithfulness of my teacher and our allies.
All my life, things have come to me easily -- and if they haven't I usually drop them unless I find the challenge particularly engaging or the end goal unusually worthwhile.
This Path is not easy, and it's not a lot of fun either. The basic practices are deceptively simple, but they must be repeated again and again and again -- which in the past has been a sure way to make me run for the hills.
They can't just be done by rote either. They must be done with presence, with intent, with energy. I have to invest in them. Which means that I have to privelege them, so I have the necessary time and energy to make the doing meaningful.
The problem is that -- aside from occasional fits of enthusiasm -- I've been acting according to my old pattern: doing just enough to "get by."
Last night I was the recipient of an extended tough love session, during which my teacher, Scotty (one of her major inner world contacts who is also a friend of mine), and at least one deity held up a mirror and gave it to me straight. The only thing I can say to my own credit is that although I struggled I did not look away. I couldn't. They were telling me the same things I'd been hearing whispered in my own consciousness for a while now.
I have some very deep issues that need to be addressed and overcome -- and unless I do the Work more faithfully, more deeply, more consistently, that's not going to happen. Until I get those issues resolved, I'm going to continue to find myself cycling through the same kinds of pain that I've been in for the past few days. I've gotten far enough to start surfacing things that had been safely buried for a long time. Now they're rising, but unresolved -- not a pleasant situation.
I was crying for most of the almost two hour conversation -- until Scotty uttered the words that got to the crux of things, and suddenly all my grief and shame and struggle simply evaporated and I was at peace.
There are reasons I'm working with Ereshkigal at this time, in this life, and one of the biggest is that I have deeply buried blocks and shadows that I have to descend to, face, and bring to light if I am going to get beyond my lifelong pattern of minor achievements and "getting by" and claim my full potential.
Until I do that, I will not be able to achieve my heart's deepest goal.
All my life, things have come to me easily -- and if they haven't I usually drop them unless I find the challenge particularly engaging or the end goal unusually worthwhile.
This Path is not easy, and it's not a lot of fun either. The basic practices are deceptively simple, but they must be repeated again and again and again -- which in the past has been a sure way to make me run for the hills.
They can't just be done by rote either. They must be done with presence, with intent, with energy. I have to invest in them. Which means that I have to privelege them, so I have the necessary time and energy to make the doing meaningful.
The problem is that -- aside from occasional fits of enthusiasm -- I've been acting according to my old pattern: doing just enough to "get by."
Last night I was the recipient of an extended tough love session, during which my teacher, Scotty (one of her major inner world contacts who is also a friend of mine), and at least one deity held up a mirror and gave it to me straight. The only thing I can say to my own credit is that although I struggled I did not look away. I couldn't. They were telling me the same things I'd been hearing whispered in my own consciousness for a while now.
I have some very deep issues that need to be addressed and overcome -- and unless I do the Work more faithfully, more deeply, more consistently, that's not going to happen. Until I get those issues resolved, I'm going to continue to find myself cycling through the same kinds of pain that I've been in for the past few days. I've gotten far enough to start surfacing things that had been safely buried for a long time. Now they're rising, but unresolved -- not a pleasant situation.
I was crying for most of the almost two hour conversation -- until Scotty uttered the words that got to the crux of things, and suddenly all my grief and shame and struggle simply evaporated and I was at peace.
There are reasons I'm working with Ereshkigal at this time, in this life, and one of the biggest is that I have deeply buried blocks and shadows that I have to descend to, face, and bring to light if I am going to get beyond my lifelong pattern of minor achievements and "getting by" and claim my full potential.
Until I do that, I will not be able to achieve my heart's deepest goal.
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(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-24 07:54 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-24 10:00 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-24 08:23 pm (UTC)*hugs*
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Date: 2008-12-25 03:30 am (UTC)Namaste!
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Date: 2008-12-25 09:02 pm (UTC)