Ritual Report
Mar. 10th, 2008 05:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosI ended up getting started at 9pm last night, due to a shift in expectations regarding child care, but that was okay. With my intention clear and my prep work done, the later hour didn't matter.
Because there was going to be someone else in the house, I didn't do the ritual in the living room as I had been intending -- which meant that the last open box of clothing in my room got cleaned up, which was good. I created a small altar for Ereshkigal by draping a red and black cloth over the top of a little plastic three-drawer odds-and-ends holder, put one black and two red candles on it, then added my chain necklace, a bronze serpent (a museum replica of an ancient find), and the snake necklace I got at P-con. I set my dragon-shaped diffuser next to it and put frankincense in the bowl, then spread a thick blanket on the floor. After some reflection, I put my rattle on the floor between the blanket and the altar.
I went to my daughter's room, hugged her, and set expectations: "Please keep the noise down, and no interrupting Mom unless something is on fire or you're bleeding" and she said cheerfully "Have a good ritual!"
I turned out the lights and did an invocation to Ereshkigal, placing myself in Her care, and then turning my attention to setting shields around my room. To my surprise, I immediately perceived the presence of a large black dragon above me with his body curled around the space. No need for me to do more than double-check that he truly was an ally, and then thank him for the protection. I was surprised because although I have sensed dragons around me at times in the past (not all of them entirely trustworthy), this is the first time that one has appeared so distinctly and with deliberate purpose.
With the environment set, I mindfully removed my clothes, including LM's ring. I wasn't surrendering him ritually to Ereshkigal, but -- as I wrote yesterday -- this was something I needed to do alone, and solely as myself, not in any role other than my relationship with Ereshkigal. I did some Healing Black Dragon breaths to center and cleanse myself.
Most of my "rituals" are very low-key and internal. I'm "low church" and primarily a mystic. The tools, scents, gestures, and other elements that others use to shift consciousness are almost never part of my private practice. I simply knelt before the altar and slipped into "connect" mode. Although I've been calling this a descent ritual, there was no need for me to envision going down through the seven gates. Ereshkigal is my patron, and She was expecting me. I have my own "back door" into Her throne room. (I may be required to go down through the gates at another time, but not last night.)
She and I discussed my intention a bit, and something was made clear that hadn't been before: I was going to be giving up things I care deeply about. They may have become sources of pain and blockage, but they are things I have kept close, made deeply part of myself. I was sacrificing them in order to become a more effective priestess, more my authentic self -- I wasn't just throwing away things of no value. That was an important realization.
To shift from prelude to main action I did some rattling, then focused on the need to release my current day job. I was ready, as I wrote yesterday, to "do surgery on myself." It wasn't necessary. Ereshkigal reached into my gut -- to the place where I hold my fears about security -- and started pulling out a long, dirty thick string which attached me to my current situation. All I had to do was consent, and to concentrate on dissolving my attachments. To my surprise, when the end of the string came out of my body there was a small shiny gold key attached. Ereshkigal gave it to me, telling me that it was the key to my future. As I go forward, if I feel blocked, I'm to visualize the key opening the door for me.
I hadn't expected to get something back in this process. I also hadn't anticipated how much ligher I felt once I was no longer anchored to that job.
I rattled again, to provide a transition and shift, and then released my current relationship with Michael. Ereshkigal was at pains to point out that I was keeping the good memories of the past, but releasing any expectations or need to force the relationship into a particular form in the future. She did something in my heart, clearing out clots and excess junk. She also carefully lifted and released the ends of some highly-vibrating connections between him and me, while allowing different, deeper connections to remain in place. Again, I felt lighter afterward.
The third release was that of the expectations of my parents and my college. It started out as removing a mark (according to the notes I scribbled last night, but I don't remember what that was about). It quickly shifted to removing a mask -- and then to kicking my way out of a papier-mache model of myself that they had moulded around me. It felt like emerging from a chrysalis -- which felt good. But I was startled to realize that I had an entirely new form. And that's something I'm not sharing publically just now. That phase took a while, as I explored how it felt.
The fourth release was that of my heroine alter ego. This didn't involve removing something from me. Instead, Ereshkigal showed me her image as a limp doll: something that no longer had life. I was to take back the bits of my soul which were still attached to the doll, and then place her on the shelf of memory. I did that, and also retrieved bits of myself from other potent, wish-fulfilling fictional characters I'd created and lived as through writing and gaming, and felt more whole, more potent.
The last three releases were more subtle: releases of two different types of blockages, and the release of my need to be "right" -- not that my truth has to conquer others', but that I not make mistakes, especially not in public, or when I am in any kind of position of authority -- not power-over authority, but "being an authority" on some topic. To end, I did more rattling, more dragon breathing, and formally took my leave of Her presence.
When it was over, I felt lighter and more powerful than before. Ereshkigal had given me a token affirming that I have actually become Her priestess -- although there will always be more to learn, more growth, more and deeper understanding to gain. I think that going through with teaching at P-con (wearing her chain necklace), actually starting work on the book, and then doing this ritual were all necessary to prove my dedication.
It was a far more gentle experience than I had expected, and I hadn't expected so much help from Her. I guess it was important that I had been willing and prepared to do the hard stuff myself, not look to Her for rescue.
Last night, I dreamed I was the junior senator from my state.
It wasn't until I was typing the private elements of the ritual for my teacher that I realized the dream was about publically exercising influence and power. And perhaps it's also about earning respect and regard for the work I *am* doing, even though it doesn't look anything like what I thought I would need to do if I was going to be respected and influential in the world.
Because there was going to be someone else in the house, I didn't do the ritual in the living room as I had been intending -- which meant that the last open box of clothing in my room got cleaned up, which was good. I created a small altar for Ereshkigal by draping a red and black cloth over the top of a little plastic three-drawer odds-and-ends holder, put one black and two red candles on it, then added my chain necklace, a bronze serpent (a museum replica of an ancient find), and the snake necklace I got at P-con. I set my dragon-shaped diffuser next to it and put frankincense in the bowl, then spread a thick blanket on the floor. After some reflection, I put my rattle on the floor between the blanket and the altar.
I went to my daughter's room, hugged her, and set expectations: "Please keep the noise down, and no interrupting Mom unless something is on fire or you're bleeding" and she said cheerfully "Have a good ritual!"
I turned out the lights and did an invocation to Ereshkigal, placing myself in Her care, and then turning my attention to setting shields around my room. To my surprise, I immediately perceived the presence of a large black dragon above me with his body curled around the space. No need for me to do more than double-check that he truly was an ally, and then thank him for the protection. I was surprised because although I have sensed dragons around me at times in the past (not all of them entirely trustworthy), this is the first time that one has appeared so distinctly and with deliberate purpose.
With the environment set, I mindfully removed my clothes, including LM's ring. I wasn't surrendering him ritually to Ereshkigal, but -- as I wrote yesterday -- this was something I needed to do alone, and solely as myself, not in any role other than my relationship with Ereshkigal. I did some Healing Black Dragon breaths to center and cleanse myself.
Most of my "rituals" are very low-key and internal. I'm "low church" and primarily a mystic. The tools, scents, gestures, and other elements that others use to shift consciousness are almost never part of my private practice. I simply knelt before the altar and slipped into "connect" mode. Although I've been calling this a descent ritual, there was no need for me to envision going down through the seven gates. Ereshkigal is my patron, and She was expecting me. I have my own "back door" into Her throne room. (I may be required to go down through the gates at another time, but not last night.)
She and I discussed my intention a bit, and something was made clear that hadn't been before: I was going to be giving up things I care deeply about. They may have become sources of pain and blockage, but they are things I have kept close, made deeply part of myself. I was sacrificing them in order to become a more effective priestess, more my authentic self -- I wasn't just throwing away things of no value. That was an important realization.
To shift from prelude to main action I did some rattling, then focused on the need to release my current day job. I was ready, as I wrote yesterday, to "do surgery on myself." It wasn't necessary. Ereshkigal reached into my gut -- to the place where I hold my fears about security -- and started pulling out a long, dirty thick string which attached me to my current situation. All I had to do was consent, and to concentrate on dissolving my attachments. To my surprise, when the end of the string came out of my body there was a small shiny gold key attached. Ereshkigal gave it to me, telling me that it was the key to my future. As I go forward, if I feel blocked, I'm to visualize the key opening the door for me.
I hadn't expected to get something back in this process. I also hadn't anticipated how much ligher I felt once I was no longer anchored to that job.
I rattled again, to provide a transition and shift, and then released my current relationship with Michael. Ereshkigal was at pains to point out that I was keeping the good memories of the past, but releasing any expectations or need to force the relationship into a particular form in the future. She did something in my heart, clearing out clots and excess junk. She also carefully lifted and released the ends of some highly-vibrating connections between him and me, while allowing different, deeper connections to remain in place. Again, I felt lighter afterward.
The third release was that of the expectations of my parents and my college. It started out as removing a mark (according to the notes I scribbled last night, but I don't remember what that was about). It quickly shifted to removing a mask -- and then to kicking my way out of a papier-mache model of myself that they had moulded around me. It felt like emerging from a chrysalis -- which felt good. But I was startled to realize that I had an entirely new form. And that's something I'm not sharing publically just now. That phase took a while, as I explored how it felt.
The fourth release was that of my heroine alter ego. This didn't involve removing something from me. Instead, Ereshkigal showed me her image as a limp doll: something that no longer had life. I was to take back the bits of my soul which were still attached to the doll, and then place her on the shelf of memory. I did that, and also retrieved bits of myself from other potent, wish-fulfilling fictional characters I'd created and lived as through writing and gaming, and felt more whole, more potent.
The last three releases were more subtle: releases of two different types of blockages, and the release of my need to be "right" -- not that my truth has to conquer others', but that I not make mistakes, especially not in public, or when I am in any kind of position of authority -- not power-over authority, but "being an authority" on some topic. To end, I did more rattling, more dragon breathing, and formally took my leave of Her presence.
When it was over, I felt lighter and more powerful than before. Ereshkigal had given me a token affirming that I have actually become Her priestess -- although there will always be more to learn, more growth, more and deeper understanding to gain. I think that going through with teaching at P-con (wearing her chain necklace), actually starting work on the book, and then doing this ritual were all necessary to prove my dedication.
It was a far more gentle experience than I had expected, and I hadn't expected so much help from Her. I guess it was important that I had been willing and prepared to do the hard stuff myself, not look to Her for rescue.
Last night, I dreamed I was the junior senator from my state.
It wasn't until I was typing the private elements of the ritual for my teacher that I realized the dream was about publically exercising influence and power. And perhaps it's also about earning respect and regard for the work I *am* doing, even though it doesn't look anything like what I thought I would need to do if I was going to be respected and influential in the world.
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Date: 2008-03-10 03:26 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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