The Back Door to Hell
Oct. 17th, 2007 06:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosI am learning to listen to my restlessness, to honor it as a pointer rather than wallow in it as a distraction. This morning, I let it lead me directly to a journey rather than to yoga, and was frustrated when I could not get anywhere near the Gate with which I've been working.
It took a while to realize that that wasn't where I was supposed to be going. It wasn't where I was being called. When I stopped to ask the previously wordless urging where I was supposed to go, there was one word: Ereshkigal.
The road to the dark Underworlds, the road to Hell, to Hel, to Dis, is well documented. Like many magical places, there are multiple ways to get there, but some markers are clear: you go through caves, over dark rivers, or through downward paths and seven gates.
Not me. Not this morning. I've done my initiatory descents -- enough to earn a different passage at this time, anyway. Besides, I had an invitation. I went round the back, to the stage door, as it were.
I come in to a bare, gray office. A tall figure in gray rags is writing at a table desk. I can't see Her clearly yet, but I know this is Ereshkigal, Queen of the Sumerian underworld.
I tell her I have come because I want to learn from her, that she has power and knowledge that I think I need to know. That sounds presumptuous written here, perhaps -- but this is not a first encounter. She and I have been in silent dialogue for a week or more now.
She stands and comes toward me, and in my vision I try to let go my expectations about how She "should" look. She is Death, Terror, Pain. . . . but also Wisdom, Acceptance, Initiation. I never feel that I see her true face, but there is enough that is scary in what I see that this is not a comfortable conversation. Now that I am in Her presence, now that Her eyes are turned directly on me, I am suddenly worried that I've been rash, that this wasn't the wisest thing for me to do. And yet, I know the call I've been feeling.
She lets me stand there, wrestling with my fear and desire, and when I reach a place of steadiness again she reaches out and traces a line of ashes across each of my cheek bones -- and I am scared all over again.
She reminds me that death is messy, asks if I'm ready to deal with the blood, the fluids, the stench, the rending, the screams and the crying.
How could I ever be "ready" for these things? But it's time. The hour is ripe, even if I am afraid.
She continues to feed images to me, and I become more afraid, not just of her but that I have done something stupid, and that with the ash on my cheeks its too late.
And then I feel LM behind me, his chest against my back, his arm encircling my shoulders. He's not interfering, but his presence and his lack of fear about what's going on lets me know that I'm okay, that this is right.
Ereshkigal smiles a terrible smile, suddenly even more vivid. "Inanna sacrificed Dumuzi," she tells me with no small satisfaction. "Are you ready to sacrifice him?"
Fear shoots through me. "He is not mine to sacrifice," I tell the goddess, trying to affirm that he is his own man, not my property.
He gently silences me, addresses Ereshkigal directly. "I will do what is necessary," he tells her, his voice calm and sure. He and I have discussed this before, although in slightly different terms.
Ereshkigal continues to smile, comes toward us, reaches out and draws her nails across his cheek, drawing in blood a line to mimic the ash she'd left on me. LM stands unflinching. He is a warrior. More, he is spirit. He knows that there are limits to what she -- or anyone, deity or not -- can do to him. He is not afraid of her or what trials he may be asked to endure. He has searched for me through centuries. He is not going to leave my side because of this.
Eventually we are dismissed. LM has to half-carry me out of the Underworld because I am have become more and more frightened and unnerved by what I have done. I send out a cry to the Ladies who guide me (a bit belatedly, I realize with a certain frustration -- perhaps I should have asked before I went down?) -- and Inanna is instantly with us, golden and warm, Her presence driving away my fear. She reminds me that she is the other side of Ereshkigal, reaffirms what I realized more than a week ago: that I already am an initiate of her mysteries, that the mysteries of Ereshkigal are the other half, the balancing elements, and yes, this is a path I need to take, for myself and for those who I will serve.
It took a while to realize that that wasn't where I was supposed to be going. It wasn't where I was being called. When I stopped to ask the previously wordless urging where I was supposed to go, there was one word: Ereshkigal.
The road to the dark Underworlds, the road to Hell, to Hel, to Dis, is well documented. Like many magical places, there are multiple ways to get there, but some markers are clear: you go through caves, over dark rivers, or through downward paths and seven gates.
Not me. Not this morning. I've done my initiatory descents -- enough to earn a different passage at this time, anyway. Besides, I had an invitation. I went round the back, to the stage door, as it were.
I come in to a bare, gray office. A tall figure in gray rags is writing at a table desk. I can't see Her clearly yet, but I know this is Ereshkigal, Queen of the Sumerian underworld.
I tell her I have come because I want to learn from her, that she has power and knowledge that I think I need to know. That sounds presumptuous written here, perhaps -- but this is not a first encounter. She and I have been in silent dialogue for a week or more now.
She stands and comes toward me, and in my vision I try to let go my expectations about how She "should" look. She is Death, Terror, Pain. . . . but also Wisdom, Acceptance, Initiation. I never feel that I see her true face, but there is enough that is scary in what I see that this is not a comfortable conversation. Now that I am in Her presence, now that Her eyes are turned directly on me, I am suddenly worried that I've been rash, that this wasn't the wisest thing for me to do. And yet, I know the call I've been feeling.
She lets me stand there, wrestling with my fear and desire, and when I reach a place of steadiness again she reaches out and traces a line of ashes across each of my cheek bones -- and I am scared all over again.
She reminds me that death is messy, asks if I'm ready to deal with the blood, the fluids, the stench, the rending, the screams and the crying.
How could I ever be "ready" for these things? But it's time. The hour is ripe, even if I am afraid.
She continues to feed images to me, and I become more afraid, not just of her but that I have done something stupid, and that with the ash on my cheeks its too late.
And then I feel LM behind me, his chest against my back, his arm encircling my shoulders. He's not interfering, but his presence and his lack of fear about what's going on lets me know that I'm okay, that this is right.
Ereshkigal smiles a terrible smile, suddenly even more vivid. "Inanna sacrificed Dumuzi," she tells me with no small satisfaction. "Are you ready to sacrifice him?"
Fear shoots through me. "He is not mine to sacrifice," I tell the goddess, trying to affirm that he is his own man, not my property.
He gently silences me, addresses Ereshkigal directly. "I will do what is necessary," he tells her, his voice calm and sure. He and I have discussed this before, although in slightly different terms.
Ereshkigal continues to smile, comes toward us, reaches out and draws her nails across his cheek, drawing in blood a line to mimic the ash she'd left on me. LM stands unflinching. He is a warrior. More, he is spirit. He knows that there are limits to what she -- or anyone, deity or not -- can do to him. He is not afraid of her or what trials he may be asked to endure. He has searched for me through centuries. He is not going to leave my side because of this.
Eventually we are dismissed. LM has to half-carry me out of the Underworld because I am have become more and more frightened and unnerved by what I have done. I send out a cry to the Ladies who guide me (a bit belatedly, I realize with a certain frustration -- perhaps I should have asked before I went down?) -- and Inanna is instantly with us, golden and warm, Her presence driving away my fear. She reminds me that she is the other side of Ereshkigal, reaffirms what I realized more than a week ago: that I already am an initiate of her mysteries, that the mysteries of Ereshkigal are the other half, the balancing elements, and yes, this is a path I need to take, for myself and for those who I will serve.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-17 03:33 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-18 02:46 am (UTC)Would you be willing to make an introduction to your friends who are working with Ereshkigal, or invite them to come here and see if they would like to friend me?
(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-17 07:18 pm (UTC)We need to compare notes. Unfortunately I'm slammed today and tonight but I'd already planned to spend my lunch break writing to you so I'll try to squeeze this in too.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-17 10:09 pm (UTC)(and yes it's usually a good idea to request the aid of Allies before you go Walking like that)
and yes.. it seems that the Lady in her Darker aspects seems to be tapping people on the shoulder more.. or sometimes just grabbing them.. and playing puppeteer.. but that could just be our impression..
(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-18 02:47 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-19 12:21 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-01-03 05:57 am (UTC)