Fear and Weight
Oct. 9th, 2007 08:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosI am swignificantly heavier than I would like to be, a situation brought about by lazy eating habits (I don't like cooking, and prefer meat and potatoes and cheese to anything else), too little exercise -- and a non-rational fear of starvation.
Never in this lifetime have I known privation. There has always been food readily available. I've never lived on ramen, never worried if I was going to have grocery money. I've been blessed. But over the past few years I'd become more and more aware that my hunger, especially if I was away from home, tended to have a sense of urgency about it: Satisfy me now or Something Bad will happen!
The point of writing about this here?
Over the past few weeks I've been noticing that the fearful urgency isn't there anymore.
Now, instead of feeling a deep need to go through drive-through if I'm hungry on my way to or from work, I calmly think about preparing something healthier and less expensive when I get to where I'm going and bypass the golden arches. My small urges at home are more easily dealt with, and satisfied by less.
Somewhere, somehow, there's a part of me that's not afraid anymore.
I wish I understood what it was, why it was there in the first place, and why it feels safe now.
This wasn't an area I was focusing any attention on in my spiritual practice. It's an area I've wanted to "do better" in for quite some time, but there hasn't been a strong intention behind that desire.
I feel like I've received a "special bonus gift for playing" or something like that.
Never in this lifetime have I known privation. There has always been food readily available. I've never lived on ramen, never worried if I was going to have grocery money. I've been blessed. But over the past few years I'd become more and more aware that my hunger, especially if I was away from home, tended to have a sense of urgency about it: Satisfy me now or Something Bad will happen!
The point of writing about this here?
Over the past few weeks I've been noticing that the fearful urgency isn't there anymore.
Now, instead of feeling a deep need to go through drive-through if I'm hungry on my way to or from work, I calmly think about preparing something healthier and less expensive when I get to where I'm going and bypass the golden arches. My small urges at home are more easily dealt with, and satisfied by less.
Somewhere, somehow, there's a part of me that's not afraid anymore.
I wish I understood what it was, why it was there in the first place, and why it feels safe now.
This wasn't an area I was focusing any attention on in my spiritual practice. It's an area I've wanted to "do better" in for quite some time, but there hasn't been a strong intention behind that desire.
I feel like I've received a "special bonus gift for playing" or something like that.
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(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-10 05:15 am (UTC)I am getting better at tolerating hunger, and I KNOW there's a spiritual connection there. Quick fixes mean you don't have to confront what it is you're really hungering for--at least in my case.
Good for you, contestant. :o)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-10-10 12:40 pm (UTC)I look forward to reading more about what your cleansing brought/brings up.