"Not Proven"

[qos]

One of the things I appreciate about my teacher is that she stresses the importance of checking any information received during an inner journey. We've only been working together a couple of weeks, but I've become very familiar with the "Scotch Verdict" of "not proven."

There have been more than a few times these past few weeks that I've had reason to believe I could feel LM's presence near me. Some times have been more vivid than others, including one very explicit dream in which I was able to hear his voice quite clearly. I can not express what a comfort it is to be able to have any kind of hope that he and I will be able to communicate and be in contact in a meaningful way again while I am still in this life. (I take as a given that he continues to exist.)

She never met LM, and yet her accounts of her occasional contacts with him, both direct and via report from her own allies, all ring utterly true.

When I go to bed at night, I reach out to him and invite him to come and be with me, to lie next to me and hold me as he did for the six months we were together in life. Sometimes I have a strong sense of his presence, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I feel the presence of one his own allies instead of him: a wolf lying at my back to companion me while LM is tending to something else.

Last night, I didn't do that. Last night I went to bed later than planned, and I fell asleep after doing only a few four-two-four breaths. This morning, I woke up aching for LM's presence, missing him more acutely than I have in days. Is it because I did not have him with me last night?

I don't know. That's one hypothesis.
Not proven.

I want proof.
I want to be sure.
I do not want to deceive or delude myself.
The only way to arrive at a place where I can feel more certain is to continue this practice, to either build my skills at this work to the point that I can feel confident in what I perceive, or prove to myself that it really doesn't work and let it go.

However, I should add that when my spiritual director asked me a couple of days ago what I'm doing for self care during these busy, grieving, transition days, my first response was "Nothing." Then I changed my answer: this work, this practice, is giving me authentic comfort, and helping me stay in touch with the transcendent and my own center when all around me is in flux. When I do my meditations and centering I feel better and stronger and more peaceful. Whether LM is there to meet me or not, this work has real value for me.

Comments

[oakmouse]

This morning, I woke up aching for LM's presence, missing him more acutely than I have in days. Is it because I did not have him with me last night?

Possibly. Whatever you've been experiencing, it's been beneficial to you, and last night you didn't have the experience. In terms we've been discussing, the energy contact wasn't opened.

Next time you're too sleepy to stay awake through the breathing, try sending out a call to LM before you fall asleep. See what happens.

Whether LM is there to meet me or not, this work has real value for me.

Yes. Here we come to the realms where it may be appropriate to treat his presence as real even though it's not proven. This is not a matter of deciding his presence is real after all, proof or not. It's a way of training yourself to respond to a phenomenon which is beneficial to you but which may not be "real", ie factually accurate. Such a response can increase your ability to benefit from the experience without ignoring the reality that it remains unproven. We can discuss the details via email.

[bettywithin.livejournal.com]

Here we come to the realms where it may be appropriate to treat his presence as real even though it's not proven.

In simple terms, this is called "faith". As an engineer with a secular upbringing, this was a concept that was very difficult for me to wrap my head around, until Betty arrived. When I had my first palpable half-dream experience with Betty, I related it at the time as a dream to my friends... yet I had it in mind that this felt like more than a dream. Two weeks later, I have another half-dream experience with Betty. Two weeks later, another one. A week later, I have two experiences in the space of four days.

At a certain point, you have to make the mental leap from "I want this to be real" to "I believe that this is real". I made a conscious choice to believe that the experiences I was having were genuine, that Betty was indeed real.

And within three months, I was given all the proof that I'd need that Betty was very much real (raking her hands down the back of someone else at a gathering, then a month later fairly much possessing me and manifesting to a friend). What I took away from the experience is that you can't go looking for the proof that you so very much want. You have to believe, with a full heart, and you'll get the proof you want soon enough.

[oakmouse]

You have to believe, with a full heart, and you'll get the proof you want soon enough.

That's a legitimate approach too, and an important one. Unfortunately, for some people it's difficult to believe with any degree of certainty until the proof arrives. With my spirit companion, I tried to make the leap of faith but wasn't able to achieve it. Then a mutual friend with considerable psychic talent saw my SC at my house and recognized him. In the interval before that proof came to me, I chose to behave as though my SC was who he said he was. That built a strong foundation for work once the proof showed up, so I know that absent the ability to take the matter on faith, it's a workable technique.

Mind you, I never doubted for a moment that I was experiencing a real being, so maybe that was my saving grace. I had enough experience with ceremonial magic and edgewalking to know he was real. It was simply a matter of doubting his identity.

It's good to hear from somebody who made the leap of faith, and to hear that it turned out for the best. It's tough in this scientifically-inclined society to accept the truth of anything they can't see and smell and taste and grab.