"Not Proven"
Jun. 28th, 2007 05:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosOne of the things I appreciate about my teacher is that she stresses the importance of checking any information received during an inner journey. We've only been working together a couple of weeks, but I've become very familiar with the "Scotch Verdict" of "not proven."
There have been more than a few times these past few weeks that I've had reason to believe I could feel LM's presence near me. Some times have been more vivid than others, including one very explicit dream in which I was able to hear his voice quite clearly. I can not express what a comfort it is to be able to have any kind of hope that he and I will be able to communicate and be in contact in a meaningful way again while I am still in this life. (I take as a given that he continues to exist.)
She never met LM, and yet her accounts of her occasional contacts with him, both direct and via report from her own allies, all ring utterly true.
When I go to bed at night, I reach out to him and invite him to come and be with me, to lie next to me and hold me as he did for the six months we were together in life. Sometimes I have a strong sense of his presence, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I feel the presence of one his own allies instead of him: a wolf lying at my back to companion me while LM is tending to something else.
Last night, I didn't do that. Last night I went to bed later than planned, and I fell asleep after doing only a few four-two-four breaths. This morning, I woke up aching for LM's presence, missing him more acutely than I have in days. Is it because I did not have him with me last night?
I don't know. That's one hypothesis.
Not proven.
I want proof.
I want to be sure.
I do not want to deceive or delude myself.
The only way to arrive at a place where I can feel more certain is to continue this practice, to either build my skills at this work to the point that I can feel confident in what I perceive, or prove to myself that it really doesn't work and let it go.
However, I should add that when my spiritual director asked me a couple of days ago what I'm doing for self care during these busy, grieving, transition days, my first response was "Nothing." Then I changed my answer: this work, this practice, is giving me authentic comfort, and helping me stay in touch with the transcendent and my own center when all around me is in flux. When I do my meditations and centering I feel better and stronger and more peaceful. Whether LM is there to meet me or not, this work has real value for me.
There have been more than a few times these past few weeks that I've had reason to believe I could feel LM's presence near me. Some times have been more vivid than others, including one very explicit dream in which I was able to hear his voice quite clearly. I can not express what a comfort it is to be able to have any kind of hope that he and I will be able to communicate and be in contact in a meaningful way again while I am still in this life. (I take as a given that he continues to exist.)
She never met LM, and yet her accounts of her occasional contacts with him, both direct and via report from her own allies, all ring utterly true.
When I go to bed at night, I reach out to him and invite him to come and be with me, to lie next to me and hold me as he did for the six months we were together in life. Sometimes I have a strong sense of his presence, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I feel the presence of one his own allies instead of him: a wolf lying at my back to companion me while LM is tending to something else.
Last night, I didn't do that. Last night I went to bed later than planned, and I fell asleep after doing only a few four-two-four breaths. This morning, I woke up aching for LM's presence, missing him more acutely than I have in days. Is it because I did not have him with me last night?
I don't know. That's one hypothesis.
Not proven.
I want proof.
I want to be sure.
I do not want to deceive or delude myself.
The only way to arrive at a place where I can feel more certain is to continue this practice, to either build my skills at this work to the point that I can feel confident in what I perceive, or prove to myself that it really doesn't work and let it go.
However, I should add that when my spiritual director asked me a couple of days ago what I'm doing for self care during these busy, grieving, transition days, my first response was "Nothing." Then I changed my answer: this work, this practice, is giving me authentic comfort, and helping me stay in touch with the transcendent and my own center when all around me is in flux. When I do my meditations and centering I feel better and stronger and more peaceful. Whether LM is there to meet me or not, this work has real value for me.
