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qosThis evening during my practice, I set out -- for the fourth or fifth time -- to visualize a particular gate, and then to look through it.
As has happened every other time I've attempted this, there was significant interference: the distraction of a barrow, ambiguous figures who may or may not have been friends, and etc.
However, on my second approach this evening, with the help of one of my teacher's primary goddess allies, I did manage to both approach the gate straight on and to look through it.
What is frustrating is that I don't feel like I know how much of what I perceived and experienced this evening are authentic contacts and how much is just my imagination. I haven't worried about that in a while. Usually my inner world contacts are very clear, and their messages are so distinct that either I can trust that they are separate entities or I feel safe trusting the wisdom that comes from my inner self. (Yes, I make a distinction.)
Tonight, I just don't know. As my teacher has reminded me, we are in the midst of not one but two retrogrades right now, and that can have an impact. But it really bothers me when I don't feel like I can trust my own perceptions.
It doesn't help that LM is also feeling distant today, and seemed so even when I saw him during the journey. I feel an intense need for his presence and energy right now. I'm missing him a lot today, and I desperately wish he was here, in the flesh, to hold me in his arms and comfort me, and ground me with his solid earth energy. Lacking flesh, I long to feel the vividness of his energy, as I have a few times since his death. When he feels far away like this, it's so easy to doubt everything.
I'm tired and sad and I really, really would like a hug.
As has happened every other time I've attempted this, there was significant interference: the distraction of a barrow, ambiguous figures who may or may not have been friends, and etc.
However, on my second approach this evening, with the help of one of my teacher's primary goddess allies, I did manage to both approach the gate straight on and to look through it.
What is frustrating is that I don't feel like I know how much of what I perceived and experienced this evening are authentic contacts and how much is just my imagination. I haven't worried about that in a while. Usually my inner world contacts are very clear, and their messages are so distinct that either I can trust that they are separate entities or I feel safe trusting the wisdom that comes from my inner self. (Yes, I make a distinction.)
Tonight, I just don't know. As my teacher has reminded me, we are in the midst of not one but two retrogrades right now, and that can have an impact. But it really bothers me when I don't feel like I can trust my own perceptions.
It doesn't help that LM is also feeling distant today, and seemed so even when I saw him during the journey. I feel an intense need for his presence and energy right now. I'm missing him a lot today, and I desperately wish he was here, in the flesh, to hold me in his arms and comfort me, and ground me with his solid earth energy. Lacking flesh, I long to feel the vividness of his energy, as I have a few times since his death. When he feels far away like this, it's so easy to doubt everything.
I'm tired and sad and I really, really would like a hug.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-06-24 06:01 am (UTC)I hate to say this, but get used to it. In this kind of work, you never manage to get completely clear of grey areas. Over time you'll develop a stronger sense of what's what, of who to trust and how to evaluate the ones you can't trust, but you'll always have at least a couple of places where you're just not sure. Hence the Scots verdict.
I know I'm not the one you want a hug from, but... *hug*