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qosChristmas this year was painful. It was the second one since my dad's death, and I think his absence hurt more because the first year I was still somewhat in shock. I always felt more akin to my dad than anyone else in my family (except my daughter), so his absence is not only its own grief, it makes being around my mother and sister less fun.
Writing about dissatisfaction with gifts is always perilous because of the risk of being perceived as petty and ungrateful. But I'm going to do it anyway. Because I need to unpack (no pun intended) some emotions and realizations.
For the past two years both my mother and my sister have given me the exact same gifts they gave everyone else, and in both cases they were not things I liked or wanted. In fact, my mother explicitly ignored my past requests -- and admitted doing so -- by giving me stuffed animals when I said I didn't want any more of them. Other gifts were equally inappropriate. My sister donated in my name to World Wildlife Fund (not in itself a bad thing) and the gift was a long sleeved logo'd gray t-shirt two sizes too big for me -- which I would not have worn even if it did fit me. Meanwhile, I had given my mother what she told me she wanted (after I'd asked her), and both my sister and my daughter were squeeing over the gifts I had selected for them.
It hurt. A lot.
Not because I craved shiny new things, but because I felt that the rest of my family neither knew nor cared who I was or what would make me happy. (Daughter is unemployed and broke, so she's exempt.) The fact that they each treated everyone else the same as they treated me didn't matter to my heart. In fact, I didn't even think of that until now. Self-centered self pity is unattractive, and I shouldn't have taken it so personally, but I really, really did.
It hurt because it reminded me that there are very few people in my life right now who truly know me. Or seem to care to.
Gift giving is one of my love languages, and when someone gives me a generic or completely irrelevant gift I'm not just disappointed, I feel unknown and unloved.
Which brings me to blogging, and another reason I'm making a concerted effort to start posting more again. I miss being seen and known and valued for what's most important to me. I'm working on rebuilding relationships offline, but I'm hoping that resuming blogging will help in this area.
The unexpected insight came a few days ago when I was talking with my mother about exchanging the throw I bought for her. She had asked for a red throw, and I had bought the reddest, plushest one I could find. She liked the color, but it turned out that she preferred a more woolen texture. Which was fine. I was happy to have her exchange it for one she liked better. But she gave it back to me to return, saying "The fun is having something to open." Which, I realized, she had also said on Christmas.
To her, the type of gift wasn't important. What was important was opening it.
Which makes no sense to me, but goes a long way toward explaining why she buys generic gifts. She doesn't think about the impact of the gift itself, only about making sure that there are packages to open.
We're going to have a chat late next fall. I need to explain to her (and to my sister) how I feel. I would rather just get a gift card -- or nothing at all -- than an object which makes me feel bad. And if opening gifts makes her happy, then I will make a point of getting her a bunch of little things in a bunch of packages, so she can have the experience that she finds fun.
Ironically, my sister texted me a day or two after Christmas to thank me again for her gift and tell me how much she appreciated that thought which went into it. "I can't take credit for thinking ahead," I replied. "I saw it and thought you'd like it, so I bought it." "Yes," she replied, "But you knew me well enough and cared enough to do that."
Yes. That.
Writing about dissatisfaction with gifts is always perilous because of the risk of being perceived as petty and ungrateful. But I'm going to do it anyway. Because I need to unpack (no pun intended) some emotions and realizations.
For the past two years both my mother and my sister have given me the exact same gifts they gave everyone else, and in both cases they were not things I liked or wanted. In fact, my mother explicitly ignored my past requests -- and admitted doing so -- by giving me stuffed animals when I said I didn't want any more of them. Other gifts were equally inappropriate. My sister donated in my name to World Wildlife Fund (not in itself a bad thing) and the gift was a long sleeved logo'd gray t-shirt two sizes too big for me -- which I would not have worn even if it did fit me. Meanwhile, I had given my mother what she told me she wanted (after I'd asked her), and both my sister and my daughter were squeeing over the gifts I had selected for them.
It hurt. A lot.
Not because I craved shiny new things, but because I felt that the rest of my family neither knew nor cared who I was or what would make me happy. (Daughter is unemployed and broke, so she's exempt.) The fact that they each treated everyone else the same as they treated me didn't matter to my heart. In fact, I didn't even think of that until now. Self-centered self pity is unattractive, and I shouldn't have taken it so personally, but I really, really did.
It hurt because it reminded me that there are very few people in my life right now who truly know me. Or seem to care to.
Gift giving is one of my love languages, and when someone gives me a generic or completely irrelevant gift I'm not just disappointed, I feel unknown and unloved.
Which brings me to blogging, and another reason I'm making a concerted effort to start posting more again. I miss being seen and known and valued for what's most important to me. I'm working on rebuilding relationships offline, but I'm hoping that resuming blogging will help in this area.
The unexpected insight came a few days ago when I was talking with my mother about exchanging the throw I bought for her. She had asked for a red throw, and I had bought the reddest, plushest one I could find. She liked the color, but it turned out that she preferred a more woolen texture. Which was fine. I was happy to have her exchange it for one she liked better. But she gave it back to me to return, saying "The fun is having something to open." Which, I realized, she had also said on Christmas.
To her, the type of gift wasn't important. What was important was opening it.
Which makes no sense to me, but goes a long way toward explaining why she buys generic gifts. She doesn't think about the impact of the gift itself, only about making sure that there are packages to open.
We're going to have a chat late next fall. I need to explain to her (and to my sister) how I feel. I would rather just get a gift card -- or nothing at all -- than an object which makes me feel bad. And if opening gifts makes her happy, then I will make a point of getting her a bunch of little things in a bunch of packages, so she can have the experience that she finds fun.
Ironically, my sister texted me a day or two after Christmas to thank me again for her gift and tell me how much she appreciated that thought which went into it. "I can't take credit for thinking ahead," I replied. "I saw it and thought you'd like it, so I bought it." "Yes," she replied, "But you knew me well enough and cared enough to do that."
Yes. That.
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(no subject)
Date: 2019-01-02 12:29 am (UTC)Sympathy also over the inappropriate gifts. That's something that used to happen to JM evrey Christmas, since one entire side of his family generally phones in their gift purchases. I hope the conversation with your mom and sister this fall goes well and they get a clue. *more hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2019-01-02 03:33 am (UTC)Family of origin things are hard, especially with newish grief mixed in. Gift giving in my family has changed a lot over the years. I like your idea of talking to mom in the fall to make sure she understands your feelings about it.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-01-04 07:34 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-01-04 04:24 am (UTC)Good luck with your chat. There's no guarantee they will get it, but I can guarantee your heart will appreciate you standing up for her that way.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-01-05 05:04 am (UTC)BTW: I know we see each other on FB and other blogs, but it's really, really nice to connect with you here again. Thanks for coming by and commenting.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-01-08 01:40 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2019-01-01 03:03 pm (UTC)