Parenting as Applied Ethics

[qos]

The older Wolfling gets, the more I am becoming aware that parenting is a significant and ongoing challenge in Applied Ethics.

It's a lot more complicated than I'd expected to "teach my child right from wrong." I'm having to re-examine virtually all of the beliefs and attitudes I've adopted over the years -- some of them adopted consciously and deliberately, some less so -- and re-assess them to figure out whether or not I want Wolfling to hold the same beliefs. If I don't, I have to re-calibrate my own habits and choices, not just dictate hers.

One of the biggest challenges is teaching her about the line between responsibility to self and responsibility to others. Her father and I were both raised to be other-directed. I'm trying to teach her that she is as worthy of consideration and respect as anyone else. Yes, it's nice to share with others -- but you don't have to. Other people are not entitled to use your things just because they want to, and being told "you're not nice" does not indicate moral failure on your part. On the other hand, there is virtue in stepping outside your own comfort zone to help and be nice to others.

I'm trying to teach her that she always has a choice. The consequences of certain choices may not always be to her liking -- but that does not erase the fact that she has a choice and she bears responsibility for the outcomes of her actions. I don't ever want to hear her to place responsibility for her actions on someone else, "everyone else" or a direction given to her by someone else. Granted, there are times when her choices and actions are constrained by others, especially at this age, but I want her to cultivate a habit of reflection, choice, and responsibility.

Which means that I have to take the same degree of responsibility for myself and express that when I talk about my actions and their consequences in front of her.

There's also an issue of power and justice. Nowhere in my life do I wield more power -- whether I want to or not -- than in Wolfling's life. No matter how small, my choices impact her. Every action I take goes into her consciousness, for good or ill. Everything I do expresses to her, in some way, the degree to which I love her, respect her, value her. Believe me, sometimes I wish I could turn off the "mother" part and just live for myself. This is one reason I cherish my weekends when she's with her dad.

My decisions about what she can and can not do, the way I react to her real or perceived transgressions, the degree which I allow her to explore the world and expose herself to new influences, not only tells her about my degree of respect and trust in her, it carries a message of judgement about the rest of the world. If I decide to curtail her freedoms, or tell her to do something, I need to be sure that I am using my power in her best interests, not just for my own convenience of comfort.

It's actually a very engaging challenge -- made even more so by the fact that Wolfling is a bright, loving, bold kid who seems to understand and appreciate a good deal of my efforts to be a good mother. I speak to her as frankly as I can about virtually everything, and am equally frank on the rare occasions when I don't think it's appropriate for her to know something. On the equally rare occasions when I have to resort to "Because I said so" (sometimes I am simply too tired or overwhelmed to give a good explanation), she trusts me and doesn't fuss.

Anyway. . . this is tying together a lot of random thoughts and impressions from the past few years that were crystalized by the "rules of engagement" incident and post.

Comments

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

I am impressed with your reflections, to put it mildly.

[oakmouse]

What wlotus said.

[silverhawkdruid.livejournal.com]

Speaking as a mum with two daughters, the younger of a similar age to Wolfling, I applaud your efforts and agree with your sentiments. It isn't easy to be a mum, but it is the job I love more than anything else in the world, and when, like it happened for me on Friday, someone tells you that your children are a credit to you, and they envy the close relationship you have with them, it makes any doubts and so forth pale into insignificance beside the warm glow within.
:-)

[qos.livejournal.com]

When someone tells me something like that about my daughter I just burst with pride.

[mankycat.livejournal.com]

I love reading about these "mommy" posts. They give me a lot to think about for my child when he gets older.

[qos.livejournal.com]

I never really wanted to be a mother (although the pregnancy was by choice). The job has been growing on me. The older my daughter gets, the more I like it.