The Same Sad Story

[qos]

I was reading an entry by a "friend" on one of my other journals. This person is an LJ acquaintance, not a personal friend, nor someone with whom I have developed a particular online rapport. She has been writing recently about her romantic-sexual relationship with a man who she loves and for whom she bends over backwards -- but he wants her to keep their relationship secret, not even allowing her to refer to herself as "in a relationship". He has another girl he's also involved with who seems to be trying to undermine LJFriend, and he simply waves it off.

I have no idea what the whole truth of the situation is -- but the observable fact is that LJFriend is miserable. She feels slighted, diminished, angry and frustrated -- and devoted to the jerk who makes her feel like dirt.

In her last entry, she reaffirmed that she felt this guy was her soulmate, but asked if it was possible to have a relationship broken up by "the little things."

I was one of several people who told her fairly bluntly that this guy was not treating her well and certainly did not sound like a soulmate, and that if the level of misery she was experiencing didn't improve quickly, she would be better off without him. Her response has been "I need to stick this out."

My first impulse was to comment again, trying to reinforce that "he just isn't into you" (to borrow the title of a book), but on reflection I decided that it simply wasn't worth it. However misguided I think she is, she's not interested in hearing any advice that advocates leaving him. She wants to be reassured that her loyalty and devotion will eventually be rewarded.

Honey, they won't.
Been there, done that, got too many t-shirts.

But all my experience doesn't mean a thing to her.
And why should it? I'm just a name on her f-list.
She'll learn her lesson and find some self-respect and a sense of self-preservation somewhere -- or she won't.
And there's not a damn thing I can do about it from here.

But it hurts to see yet another person throwing themselves away on a jerk who is content to take everything someone else has to offer while giving in return whatever crumbs they feel like tossing their way.

Comments

[sharpchick.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what you mean. It's a little easier with an online acquaintance, because you can always close the browser.

I always wonder why - since they do not want advice but rather validation to keep on hanging in there - do they post about it at all?

For a while I was a co-manager for an online message board about relationships between women and men. I'd see those stories continuously. There would always be responses from members encouraging the poster to hold her head up out of the muck, and hold out for a guy who would truly appreciate her.

And they would say the same thing your acquaintance did. . . "if all these little things weren't in the way," or "I just need to stick it out through the rough times." And all they seemed to have were rough times.

Sometimes they would even lash out at responses they got. So I took to asking them after the original post. . . are you looking for advice or affirmation? It will make it much easier for me to respond if I know the answer to that question.

[oakmouse]

Aye, well, whut can ye dae?

You can't fix it for them if they won't deal with what's happening. Just try not to let it get to you too much, for your own sake.

[iswari.livejournal.com]

But it hurts to see yet another person throwing themselves away on a jerk who is content to take everything someone else has to offer while giving in return whatever crumbs they feel like tossing their way.

Yes, it does. It's a hard lesson to keep one's mouth shut in such situations.

[blessed-harlot.livejournal.com]

Oy. I can so relate to your feelings about this.

Recently I've been noticing how my own drives and curiosity have gotten me to seek out healthy role models and healthy ways of being in my life when I was prepared for them. Here I've been putting so much stock in being visible as a community leader and healthy role model, and I think the bigger issue is who's really looking. It's the same basic wisdom as "when the student is ready, the teacher appears." She really, really doesn't sound ready for any wisdom on this topic.

[rebeccax.livejournal.com]

Sounds exactly like me and Steve. The guy sounds like an emotional abuser. Steve told me he wanted me to move in with him, have his baby, etc. After we broke up he feebly offered that he was almost strong enough to tell his wife (poly marriage) the he loved me. Same shit different names.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

I hate seeing that sort of thing, too. We women settle for such piss-poor behavior from men, so much of the time.

[stiobhanrune.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Gods, I hate it when people don't listen to the wise.

It's actually made me a nasty person. I actually enjoy watching them fail when they ignore my advice now, isn't that terrible?

*smiles wryly*

Honestly, you're very strong for being so compassionate about this.

Try to remember two things, if you don't mind me advising you:

1. You can't save her. Only she can save herself.

2. Stressing yourself out over someone who won't listen to your advice is often caused by wishing to redeem your own life through the protection of another. If you really wish to protect her, intervene in a way that doesn't involve her choice, and protect her another way.


Hope everything goes ok. You're in my thoughts, dear.