Consequences of Speaking Up

[qos]

Thanks to everyone for your responses to my post about my childhood socialization around speaking/keeping silent in conflict.

Several people have commented that sometimes speaking up does result in a break in the relationship, or asked what my experience has been.

Yes, it's true that sometimes when I've spoken up to defend myself, protect my boundaries, or say "I hurt when you do/say that, please stop," it's only caused more trouble. Sometimes people don't want to accept responsibility for their actions; they say that I'm oversensitive or I don't understand them or I'm not being nice.

But they've been the minority. Most of the time, if I express my feelings and needs with any degree of consideration for the other person's feelings, giving them a chance to say "I didn't realize" or "I'm sorry", the outcome has been good. The relationship becomes stronger when hurts are dealt with and overcome rather than one person walking over another.

It's a risk. It's definitely a risk. But when I look back, I'd rather take the risk and break a relationship with a person who isn't truly interested in my feelings, rather than have hurt feelings fester that could be dealt with by speaking up to someone who cares and would want to make things right.

I'm not always brave enough to do this, you understand. It's an ideal to which I aspire.
But at least I'm usually aware of the choice now, instead of not understanding that there is a choice, and that speaking up does not make me a "bad" person.

Comments

[coen.livejournal.com]

Of course there is a risk in speaking up. There is always a risk. Nothing is completely risk free.
Sometimes speaking up makes matters worse. Sometimes it is better to swallow your emotions.
But it is my experience that in most cases, speaking up is better than swallowing your emotions.

Speaking up may cause a fight, and often a fight does some dammage. But most of the times, a fight causes less dammage than a long lasting silence.
And yes, sometimes a fight does cause a relationship to end. But if that is the case, the relationship probably wasn't very good to begin with.

[coen.livejournal.com]

"I'm not always brave enough to do this, you understand. It's an ideal to which I aspire."

Exactly the same for me.

[coen.livejournal.com]

I have always been bad at speaking up in private relations. The funny thing is that in business relationships I am very good at it.

I have been working with angry, sometimes even agressive customers, and I am very good at it. I allow them to vent their anger, listen to them, show them respect and understanding, then I calm them down, and then I try to find a solution that does respect to both the customer's side as to my company's side.
I know a lot of people who, when customers yell at them, either get scared or anfer, and start to yell back. I have no problem keeping my cool when I get yelled at. You can call me names, threaten me, curse me, and I will keep cool. No problem at all.
At work, that is.

But in private relations, anger tends to scares me. It scares me when the other person gets angry, and it scares me even more when I get angry.
So I have to learn to deal with anger as a normal aspect of human relations. Because that is what it is.

[malakhgabriel.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I was thinking of the ways in which I spoke up that led directly to the end of my relationship with Michelle. It shattered her story of who we were, and she was more interested in that construct than she was in me. It hurt, but it was worth it. I learned how unimportant I was to her as a person rather than a role, and I was able to move on.

Oddly, my mother fully supported my decision to do so despite being the one who taught me to always put others first.

[qos.livejournal.com]

Ah, but I think that when confronted with a situation like yours, mothers tend to be notoriously partisan in favor of their own child.

[rebeccax.livejournal.com]

Wow. I could talk about his forever. It's a hot topic right now because of the havoc this caused with Steve. He had long lists of boundaries and needs that had to be observed for him to be happy and failure to comply resulted in being punished with his withdrawal. As soon as I voiced my needs he ended the relationship.

Yah, it's safe to say I feel thoroughly abused.

[qos.livejournal.com]

I despise people who maintain double standards like that in relationships.