Finding My Footing Again
May. 29th, 2007 07:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosI'm starting to get my equilibrium back.
Surprisingly enough, a big reason for this is my boss.
I went into his office this morning to say hello, and he asked me "How are you doing?" -- and I broke down in tears. (I had already been in tears in the parking lot, and had thought I'd managed to get myself under control.)
He immediately invited me to sit down and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to, but there was so much I simply could not tell him. No matter how sympathetic he is, there are some things one simply does not tell a co-worker, especially the boss. So I told him a story, a story which conveyed the quality and intensity of what I've been dealing with without betraying confidences or shifting his paradigms without a clutch.
And you know what?
He reminded me who I am.
He didn't just offer empathy and encouragement, he spoke to my vocation as a spiritual director, about how my desire to "help" and to "fix" isn't what my actual job is. My job is to be with, to pray for and pray with, and to be mindful of my own spiritual journey even as I companion someone else who is in a crisis.
In the space of a few minutes, I went from feeling hollow and frightened and sad to feeling like I had a center again, to feeling grounded and calm. It was amazing.
I've been feeling the lack in my own spiritual life this past week. When the earth started moving under my feet, I didn't have a strong core to hold on to. My prayers seemed meaningless, worthless. I didn't know who I was addressing them to or why anyone would care if they were heard. That's not how I want to live, but I haven't been doing anything to change that.
There's several places in my life where I have not been mindful over the past few months, and this past week brought several of them into sharp focus. I tell myself, remind myself, that I am not starting from scratch, I'm just picking myself up again, getting my feet back on the path.
I am responsible.
I am responsible for my choices, for my actions.
After most of a lifetime of living primarily in my head, I am learning again and again that it is action which defines a life. Thinking is all well and good, but it's what we do with those thoughts that make meaning.
Love means nothing unless it is expressed through attention and action.
Spirituality is about expressing belief/faith/connection in daily, material life, in one's actions. It's a way of life, not just abstract ponderings.
And as I sit here tonight, listening to my daughter laughing over a new book, I am grateful beyond measure for the love in my life: for the partners who love me and continue to believe in me and affirm me and cherish me, for my blessed girlfriends who uphold me, for my family.
Surprisingly enough, a big reason for this is my boss.
I went into his office this morning to say hello, and he asked me "How are you doing?" -- and I broke down in tears. (I had already been in tears in the parking lot, and had thought I'd managed to get myself under control.)
He immediately invited me to sit down and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to, but there was so much I simply could not tell him. No matter how sympathetic he is, there are some things one simply does not tell a co-worker, especially the boss. So I told him a story, a story which conveyed the quality and intensity of what I've been dealing with without betraying confidences or shifting his paradigms without a clutch.
And you know what?
He reminded me who I am.
He didn't just offer empathy and encouragement, he spoke to my vocation as a spiritual director, about how my desire to "help" and to "fix" isn't what my actual job is. My job is to be with, to pray for and pray with, and to be mindful of my own spiritual journey even as I companion someone else who is in a crisis.
In the space of a few minutes, I went from feeling hollow and frightened and sad to feeling like I had a center again, to feeling grounded and calm. It was amazing.
I've been feeling the lack in my own spiritual life this past week. When the earth started moving under my feet, I didn't have a strong core to hold on to. My prayers seemed meaningless, worthless. I didn't know who I was addressing them to or why anyone would care if they were heard. That's not how I want to live, but I haven't been doing anything to change that.
There's several places in my life where I have not been mindful over the past few months, and this past week brought several of them into sharp focus. I tell myself, remind myself, that I am not starting from scratch, I'm just picking myself up again, getting my feet back on the path.
I am responsible.
I am responsible for my choices, for my actions.
After most of a lifetime of living primarily in my head, I am learning again and again that it is action which defines a life. Thinking is all well and good, but it's what we do with those thoughts that make meaning.
Love means nothing unless it is expressed through attention and action.
Spirituality is about expressing belief/faith/connection in daily, material life, in one's actions. It's a way of life, not just abstract ponderings.
And as I sit here tonight, listening to my daughter laughing over a new book, I am grateful beyond measure for the love in my life: for the partners who love me and continue to believe in me and affirm me and cherish me, for my blessed girlfriends who uphold me, for my family.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Welcome home...
Date: 2007-05-30 03:23 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-30 03:47 am (UTC)I also have been feeling a lack of center... a ... lack... at center.
Action defines a life. Yes.
thank you for sharing your thoughts.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-30 04:24 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-30 04:28 am (UTC)I'm going to share something with you; a secret of sorts. It's not a terribly secret secret, it's just one of those things that if you're not in the right place, you won't "get". A secret in plain sight, waiting to be seen.
You can take an item which is dear to you, and willfully, mindfully use it as a reminder of the path to the core, a token that you're not hollow but filled with the energies of the center. Then the next time you lose your feet, the next time you feel lost and frightened, you can deliberately use that item to reconnect, to find the path again. In time the item becomes an emergetic, magical link to the core, to the energies you keep there. For some people, that link will work to hold you on the path when nothing else will.
The thought that comes to mind most insistently in my choice to tell you this is: your ring.
But if not that, you can choose something else. So long as it feels right to you.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-30 01:36 pm (UTC)My prayers and hugs to you all.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-30 01:38 pm (UTC)Well said.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-30 01:50 pm (UTC)I think all of us who pray have those times. The fact that you have that awareness and realize that change is in order is key. My prayers continue to go with you, dear qos.
*big, warm, hugs*
Date: 2007-05-30 04:00 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-05-30 11:35 pm (UTC)