Standing Up Quietly
Jan. 21st, 2006 10:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosOn Thursday I went to a goodbye luncheon for S*, a young manager in my department who I like very much. He's one of those people I think of as "labrador retriever types": always cheerful, hard-working, eager, and helpful. In addition to his list of sterling workplace virtues, he shares my passion for the Lord of the Rings movies, which has become a real bond between us. He works in a different building, so we don't see each other often, but we always have a great talk when we're together.
He is also far more conservative than I am, both in his religious faith and his politics. This is something we usually stay away from in our conversations, so it's easy to forget in light of the other things we have in common and our mutual pleasure in our encounters.
At the luncheon on Thursday, which took place in a conference room reserved for the occasion, I was sitting next to him, with most of his team (eight or nine other people) crowding the table. The topic of movies came up, and suddenly S* started expressing surprise and dismay that one of his team had gone to see Brokeback Mountain earlier that week.
I can't remember the specific comments which followed, but the clear and overwhelming message that came across from him was that he found homosexuality disgusting, and he could not imagine how any of his fine, upstanding team members could possibly want to see a movie about two men "doing that."
To say I was shocked and dismayed was an understatement. When I thought about it for a moment I realized that his opinion was in line with his other religious and political beliefs, but I was appalled that he would express his opinion in this way, in this venue.
So I turned to him and said (sincerely), "I've been wanting to see Brokeback Mountain."
He turned to me in surprise. "Why? Because you think you should because everyone says it's good?" He sounded more puzzled than accusing, and he had no idea he was adding insult to injury by implying I made my choices because of what "everyone" thought.
"No," I replied. "I want to see it in part because I've heard that it's an excellent movie - and because I'm interested in seeing Hollywood treat a homosexual relationship with dignity and compassion."
I'm pretty sure I startled him. The conversation shifted after that, to express shock and dismay over "Hostel" (which I haven't seen, and have no desire to, given what I've heard about it).
When I got back to my own desk, I found an email with the subject line "THANK YOU". It was from a woman in S's team who wanted me to know she appreciated the way I responded to him. His homophobic comments have made her uncomfortable for more than a year now, but she hasn't felt like she could confront him about it.
What I was pleased to realize, after the fact, was that it felt so natural to stand up to S's comments. I wasn't interested in picking a fight, or calling names -- that too would have been inappropriate in that venue -- but I was not going to let his comments go unchallenged. And it didn't worry me at all to do so.
Next week he and his team will be sitting with mine, in our building. I'm going to find some time and ask to speak with him privately and address this subject with him a bit more pointedly. I'm not going to attack his personal beliefs, but I am going to tell him that I found his behavior inappropriate, especially in a manager, and suggest that whatever his personal feelings, he needs to be more sensitive to the people around him. I can't betray the confidence of his team member, but I am going to tell him that I am aware of at least two gay or lesbian individuals in his orbit, and he might want to consider how his words come across.
He is also far more conservative than I am, both in his religious faith and his politics. This is something we usually stay away from in our conversations, so it's easy to forget in light of the other things we have in common and our mutual pleasure in our encounters.
At the luncheon on Thursday, which took place in a conference room reserved for the occasion, I was sitting next to him, with most of his team (eight or nine other people) crowding the table. The topic of movies came up, and suddenly S* started expressing surprise and dismay that one of his team had gone to see Brokeback Mountain earlier that week.
I can't remember the specific comments which followed, but the clear and overwhelming message that came across from him was that he found homosexuality disgusting, and he could not imagine how any of his fine, upstanding team members could possibly want to see a movie about two men "doing that."
To say I was shocked and dismayed was an understatement. When I thought about it for a moment I realized that his opinion was in line with his other religious and political beliefs, but I was appalled that he would express his opinion in this way, in this venue.
So I turned to him and said (sincerely), "I've been wanting to see Brokeback Mountain."
He turned to me in surprise. "Why? Because you think you should because everyone says it's good?" He sounded more puzzled than accusing, and he had no idea he was adding insult to injury by implying I made my choices because of what "everyone" thought.
"No," I replied. "I want to see it in part because I've heard that it's an excellent movie - and because I'm interested in seeing Hollywood treat a homosexual relationship with dignity and compassion."
I'm pretty sure I startled him. The conversation shifted after that, to express shock and dismay over "Hostel" (which I haven't seen, and have no desire to, given what I've heard about it).
When I got back to my own desk, I found an email with the subject line "THANK YOU". It was from a woman in S's team who wanted me to know she appreciated the way I responded to him. His homophobic comments have made her uncomfortable for more than a year now, but she hasn't felt like she could confront him about it.
What I was pleased to realize, after the fact, was that it felt so natural to stand up to S's comments. I wasn't interested in picking a fight, or calling names -- that too would have been inappropriate in that venue -- but I was not going to let his comments go unchallenged. And it didn't worry me at all to do so.
Next week he and his team will be sitting with mine, in our building. I'm going to find some time and ask to speak with him privately and address this subject with him a bit more pointedly. I'm not going to attack his personal beliefs, but I am going to tell him that I found his behavior inappropriate, especially in a manager, and suggest that whatever his personal feelings, he needs to be more sensitive to the people around him. I can't betray the confidence of his team member, but I am going to tell him that I am aware of at least two gay or lesbian individuals in his orbit, and he might want to consider how his words come across.
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(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-21 06:28 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-21 06:46 pm (UTC)Thank you.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-21 06:54 pm (UTC)Three Cheers For the Swordly Queen
Date: 2006-01-21 06:53 pm (UTC)Re: Three Cheers For the Swordly Queen
Date: 2006-01-21 06:56 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-21 07:20 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-21 08:08 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-21 09:54 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-21 11:16 pm (UTC)The Workplace
Date: 2006-01-21 08:40 pm (UTC)A few years ago, I read some of Judith Martin's (a.k.a. "Miss Manners") comments on workplace behavior that I thought were spot on. I don't have the quotes handy, but the basic ideas were these:
(1) In any work environment of any scale, individuals with diverse backgrounds, different personalities, different values, different tastes and different opinions will have to interact smoothly. That means that "social" interactions in the workplace are always going to be somewhat impersonal and superficial. This is a good thing.
(2) Many popular management trends attempt to improve organizational performance by encouraging employees to interact and bond on a more personal level...as "friends" or even as a sort of "family." ("Team building" exercises, retreats, company and office parties, etc.) This blurs the rules of conduct: are we supposed to present our superficial "office personae", or are we supposed to "be ourselves"? Do we interact with co-workers as fellow employees, or as social acquaintances?
I'm always surprised at the number of people for whom "That's not appropriate workplace behavior" simply doesn't appear to be a concept. Oh well. Kids these days....
I was intrigued by one peculiarity of S*'s comments: the combination of the assumption that everyone nearby would basically agree with his perspective (and astonishment that someone wouldn't), with the perception that "everybody" (in the wider world) was saying that the film was good. This seems to be a recurring theme in the thinking of Christian conservatives -- the ability to believe that nobody seriously disagrees with them while simultaneously seeing themselves as a beleaguered and besieged minority.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-21 10:03 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-22 01:09 am (UTC)Your mileage may vary, but I'd relegate it to the 'to be rented' pile.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-22 11:14 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-23 08:29 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-01-24 11:13 pm (UTC)And
Date: 2007-02-23 12:26 am (UTC)I am so glad that we're becoming friends. I feel fortunate to have the opportunity to get to know you in a personal context.
Re: And
Date: 2007-02-27 04:16 am (UTC)I just wish that this series of events had been more successful. I lost the good relationship I had with S, and was so disappointed in his reaction.
How did you get this far back in my journal? Were you just scrolling back, or did you click on the "job" tag to read about my perspective on life at the T?
Re: And
Date: 2007-03-02 12:28 am (UTC)I'm sorry you lost your good relationship with S. I'm not sure if it helps, but it probably wasn't solely due to this conversation or series of events. About that time, when he left his old position and went to his new position, he blew off pretty much everyone and burned a lot of bridges. He had a "fuck you guys, I'm outta here" moment.
Re: And
Date: 2007-03-02 01:45 am (UTC)It's even more disappointing that S blew everyone off that way. I would have understood if he felt that I wasn't the kind of person he wanted to know after all, but not that he would turn his back on everyone.