Aggressive Self Care

My decision to take the retreat which I posted about yesterday is part of a sudden burst of energy to start practicing a higher level of self-care. 

I realized within the last day or two that I am suffering even more than I had realized from lack of touch. The only touch I get is when my adult daughter comes over and we snuggle on the couch while we read or watch tv together. It's lovely, and I'm grateful my daughter still wants that, but it's not the same as adult companion touch, even non-sexual.

I've also realized that I really, really want to be pampered and soak up the attention along with the touch. I am so depleted I don't feel capable of equal sharing. It's probably one reason my erotic energy is so low: I don't feel like I have any resources from which to give.

And it's challenging and complicated to get non-sexual touch as an adult. Seattle has cuddle parties, but I don't feel like going to an event like that. I Googled "sensual massage" and everything that comes up is advertisements by sex workers for male clients. I wish our culture allowed sexual and sensual services to be open and regulated, and that more were available for women.

So. . .  I tried other google combinations and ended up finding a male massage therapist whose website indicates a very thoughtful approach and training in energy work. I have an appointment with him tomorrow. I have a female friend (originally made on LJ) who is a massage therapist, and I'm in the process of scheduling a housecall from her. AND I reached out on FetLife to a single guy I've known for several years, who is a couple of decades younger than I am, who I saw was a member of a couple of cuddle groups. I invited him to an evening of non-sexual cuddling and movies ("Netflix and chill" in the current parlance -- but actually chilling) -- and he's responded enthusiastically, and told me he was honored that I would reach out to him. 

[I just realized that I'm having someone come over this Sunday morning and take away my much-loved (and slightly famous) purple comfy couch. It's over 15 years old and has become very worn. The fabric has pulled away from the back of the seat. The arms are sagging (from when Wolfling kept standing on them, despite my ongoing orders not to). I have a new couch coming next week, and need to make room for it. So no couch cuddling at my place for at least another week or so.]

It feels good to name and act on my needs like this. I've always thought I did a good job at self care, but the quality of that self care has declined a lot over the years. I have needed to move from self-numbing to actual pleasure and authentic relaxation. It's taken a long time discern what that looks like at this stage of my life.

Of course I really miss L&L's presences. LB was particularly good at massages with energy components. I've never known anyone better. LM (Lohain) was good, but didn't have that same talent. LM was good for deeply grounded relaxing-into-his-arms and feeling sheltered from the world. 

I realize that I haven't felt sheltered or protected since his death.
No wonder I feel so depleted.

Pagan Monasticism

One of the most recent evolutions of my spiritual path is exploring Pagan monasticism. 

I've always felt drawn to cloistered life: a life spent focused on spiritual practice and devotion. When I was younger I suspected the attraction arose from my very early exposure to the cool nuns of "The Sound of Music," but when I finally recognized that I have a spiritual vocation, I began to suspect that it was an early indication of my path.

I never seriously considered joining a Christian convent, even when I was Christian. I was Protestant, had no interest in subordinating myself to men, or giving up sex. But I've continued to feel drawn to that lifestyle.

A few months ago I discovered that there is a small but growing group of Pagans who identify as monastics. There are two formal orders, but most are solitary practitioners. Some dream of creating monastic houses for communal living, other prefer to be hermits. Obviously Pagan monastics don't enjoy the support of a large institution, as Christian and Buddhist monastics do, so there's a fair amount of conversation about how to balance the vocation with the realities of making a living. Personally, I like the model of the Beguines, independent women who formed communities, often with their own homes, who engaged in trade and the professions to support themselves but were still strongly oriented to spiritual life and service to the poor.

I was fortunate to connect with Danica of Blackstone Hermitage, who is not only relatively local to me but shares some personal connections. Her site has a lot of information, and spending time with her feels like I'm receiving spiritual direction. Her apartment is set up as a shrine. It's immaculately clean, and most of it is focused on devotion. I want my own apartment to be like that: a space dedicated primarily to devotion and other spiritual work. 

I belong to two Pagan monastic groups on Facebook, and there are ongoing discussions about how to connect with each other and how to engage more with the wider community so they know we are here. I've decided that I'm going to focus on deepening this practice over the next few months, continue to learn, and then propose teaching a class about the subject at the next Pantheacon. Hopefully there will be others there who I can network with -- as well as connect with other folks I've met over the years, often through LJ, who I haven't seen in a long time.

Here's a post by Danica about her monastic practices.

When the Path is Uncomfortable

I wrote yesterday about my sudden realization that I've been succumbing to the challenge of the Watcher at the Threshold rather than recognizing and overcoming it. 

This article about the "not nice" things which can come up in yoga practice seems to be relevant for any spiritual path which values honesty and authentic growth. . . .

The Yoga of Darkness (excerpts below, full article at link)

Here is the thing. Yoga is not about bliss, but about honesty. Spirituality is not certainty, but the longing of the heart. Enlightenment is not ‘letting go’ of bad feelings, but understanding them, what they’re doing to us, and how they are expressed in the body. Non-harming and forgiveness are not about feeling generous or big enough (bigger than and condescending), but knowing the difficulty of right actions and assuming responsibility for the difficult. Forgiveness often comes directly out of acknowledging how bloody bitter we are. Love is not joy, all the time. Sometimes, love hurts. Love is raw. Emotions are doorways, ways in. The goal is not to exist without shadows, to become so spiritual we no longer feel fat, bored, envious, or impatient. The goal is to swallow hard as we take on willingness to go into the dark.

The shadows will show up. Go there. Apathy, acedia, what Christian mystics called desolation, existentials call despair, moves when we move toward it. It isn’t the passage of time that heals us, but the passing through experiences.