The holidays have felt very awkward to me for many years now. While still friendly with Yeshua, I do not identify as a Christian -- and every year for the past twenty or so, I've found myself missing the Christmases of my youth, when the holidays were full of spiritual meaning and celebration. Sure I enjoyed the presents as much as the next kid, but I also truly celebrated Advent, and going to both performances of Handel's Messiah at my church was a yearly ritual. Back then my extended family was also larger, and traveling to be with them was an important and joyous aspect of the holidays as well.
I have never quite settled into celebrating Pagan holidays, primarily because the Wheel of the Year holds no resonance for me -- and it's only been within the past few years on this journal that I've met Pagans who celebrated other holy days, or who seemed to have a truly spiritual approach to the solar ones. And frankly, I've been so emotionally focused on my grief process, celebrating holidays hasn't exactly been high on my to-do list. Especially the winter holidays. They just made me hurt more.
I've been feeling especially empty as the longest nights stretch out, and I feel bad for not giving Wolfling the experience of the holidays. She takes it all in stride, of course, and even when I ask her directly she claims she doesn't need to do anything special beyond the family gatherings, but I feel the lack as a hole in my gut, in my heart, in my soul.
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