AMC Remakes "The Prisoner" -- with Ian McKellan

I don't watch television series very often, but I'm going to be tuning in to this one.

A Surprising Moment

Tiwaz and I don't have a particularly close relationship. I honor him as LM's patron and as our household protector. He is a primary motivator behind my efforts to do spiritual direction with veterans. But our interactions tend to be relatively brief and formal.

Yesterday was tough on all kinds of levels. I've been twitchy and "off" for the past two or three days. I've been waking up fuzzy-headed, feeling as if I'd been drinking the night before, even though I hadn't, and that feeling stays with me. My energy feels spiky and as if someone is petting my fur the wrong way. I feel lonely but grateful to be alone in the house right now.

My weekly ritual with Tiwaz is supposed to take place at 8pm on Tuesday nights, and it's been made clear to me that it's a matter of respect for me to be prompt and not put it off. It's okay if I have activities outside the house at that time, but it's understood that I will complete the ritual as soon as I get home and center.

Last night I was late. Very, very late. Yes, I'd been out at 8pm, but it was two hours or more after I got home before I made my way to the altar. To my surprise, the god did not seem upset with me. (He has in the past when I've been seriously tardy for no good reason.) Instead, he wordlessly reached out and rested his hand on my head. The mental imagery was clear, but there were no words that I could discern, nor any particular emotion. He seemed peaceful, caring, serious.

It did help me feel more at peace.
Maybe there was no deeper intention behind it than that.

Responses to Identity Posts -- And, Perhaps, The Crux

I very much appreciate the responses to my identity posts. You've given me a lot of valuable food for thought.

watcher457's comment was especially helpful, on a paradigm-shifting level:

IMHO, I think trying to define your identity under one name is as restricting, if not more so, than using other names. You are not trying to disown the work you do under a different name. You may be doing it for reasons of protection, but there is something powerful about creating your own identity. It is not creating something that is fake to hide behind. It's allowing another part of yourself to shine through, and I don't believe that this self has to be identified under your given name. I believe, and I'm just going on intuition at the moment, that the name you use for X spiritual purposes can be, could be, the name of your Shadow self, and then there is you, and they are both you, and learning to accept them both as equally valid parts of you allows you to decide how much of that you really want to give to the rest of the world. Not everyone deserves every part of you. Some only deserve a small part of you and just aren't worthy of knowing you as anything else.


Other people have made similar observations, and/or covered part of this at other times, but there's something about the way she put this together that's resonating especially deeply for me.

Maybe some don't "deserve" to know more than a particular section of myself. But I think that part of what's driving me to wrestle with this issue with the intensity I am is the desire to be known, respected, and loved in all my parts, not just the "socially acceptable" ones -- and there is something about doing that as a single person, under my public name, that feels very compelling.

It may also be an unrealistic desire, and I need to grapple with that as well.

I've seen some pretty sad consequences of individuals (one in particular comes to mind) insisting on being totally open with the wrong people, people who should never have been expected to be able to understand or accept -- much less appreciate -- the things sie wanted to share.

I'd never thought to compare myself with that person before. . . It puts a whole new perspective on this for me.

Lament for a God-King

An LJ friend shared this in a locked post (locked for personal spiritual observances, not this text). She didn't know the source.

I'm not feeling the pain of grief right now, but this so gorgeously and vividly speaks to the past couple of years, I wanted to re-post it.

( Lament for a God-King )

Vigil

At some point in the next couple of hours, I'm going put on soft, comfortable dark clothes, go out on my third-floor balcony, light some black candles in glass holders, and then light some charcoal in my grill, with various resins on hand for adding later.

And then I'm going to stay out there all night -- or until I find what I'm supposed to find, whichever comes first.

I don't know what I'm looking for beyond general terms: my own depths, lost things, new insights, Ereshkigal, the stars. . .

I'm scared.

I don't like ambiguity. I don't like open-ended ritual. I don't like the idea of being outside and trying to stay awake all night. I'm afraid of my own limitations. I guess part of what this is about is challenging those limitations, on all kinds of levels, including those I'm not even aware of.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to take a ritual bath of purification and re-birth, and then do a rededication ritual with LM. There will be white roses, holy water. . . and fresh biscuits with honey.

Tomorrow is going to be some kind of new beginning, one I won't fully understand until I'm there.

Your prayers would be appreciated.