Simultaneous Progress and Ruts

The last few weeks have been very eventful.

First, a several-day visit with my teacher involved work to remove blockages and activate energy centers. As usual, it didn't feel like much was happening at the time of the work, but the subsequent days and weeks were. . . eventful.

Michael being home on a leave of absence from his deployment gave me the opportunity to spend some solid time with him, both alone and with others, and gave me the opportunity to do what feels like close to the last bits of processing I've needed to do around fully releasing my romantic attachment to him.

As part of that process, I realized that it was not appropriate for him to accompany me to get my piercing, as we had originally planned. It was not coincidental that he came to the same conclusion (albeit for different reasons) at the same time.

I've been attending the Solider's Heart book group, which has been going very well. It's good to finally be doing something actively constructive around my desire to help veterans.

During the time Michael was in town, I went to a bondage workshop with a friend. It was fun, low-key, and gave me the opportunity to remember that the sex positive community center is a friendly place to be. If I'd had my toybag with me, my friend and I might have remained for the play party that followed, but that didn't happen. I resolved to go to another party asap.

Last Wednesday I got my clitoral hood pierced as an act of devotion to Ereshkigal and LM, with multiple layers of meaning. I still need to write about that here.

Two days after that, I went by myself to a bondage/bdsm party at the center and ended up doing a scene with someone new for the first time since LM's death. (I'd done a few scenes with Michael before our final break-up.) The experience was affirming and cathartic, and I need to write about it more here.

So a lot has been happening in my relationship/erotic-spiritual dimension, and that's good, and I'm certain that it has a lot to do with the work my teacher and I did. At the same time, my practical daily life has been stalled out. I haven't been doing business development for my spiritual direction practice. I haven't been doing more than the minimum on my daily practices. I haven't been meditating. I haven't been exercising since it started raining. Lee Harrington's "Sacred Kink" class has been in progress for two weeks, and I haven't even visited the site.

Having my kid at home for summer vacation doesn't help, but I can't let that become an obstacle.

This morning as I'm typing I'm realizing how stale and close my living space feels right now. We keep the balcony door open all day, so it's not that there hasn't been fresh air, but there hasn't been a lot of other movement in the house. I/we need to do some tidying up, moving around, getting the space and ourselves invigorated again. It feels like it would be all too easy to slip into a semi-comatose state and just dream away the days.

A couple of months ago I created a morning ritual that involved writing on paper, getting a good breakfast, spiritual practice, exercise. . . I need to pull that document out again. When I was doing it, it gave me a gentle but thorough solid start to my day, and set me up to be happily productive.

This is the downside to not having a day job: the lack of externally imposed discipline -- and as I typed that, I could see Ereshkigal's edged, knowing smile. You think this time of unemployment is only about creating new ways to generate income? She asks.

Always more lessons.
Always more growth to achieve.

That's a good thing.