In Which My Spiritual Critique Rebounds

Over the past few years I've come to deplore the degree to which some institutionalized religions reduce faith to "afterlife insurance": where there is so much focus on spirituality and morality as a means to achieve a desireable afterlife, it overlooks the positive impact that spirituality can -- and I believe should have on this life.

If a spiritual path doesn't have a life-changing, life-enhancing impact in the here and now, then -- in my not-so-humble opinion -- something is fundamentally wrong.

So what did I realize this morning?

My spiritual life has become far too otherworldly, far too focused on the afterlife, not enough engaged in this life. I've become the image of what I've claimed is radically wrong with the practices of others.

I was warned from the beginning that this is a risk of the underworld path, and the fact that my soulmate is now in the afterlife has significantly increased the risk.

I've spent a long time -- longer than just the past couple of years -- exploring and understanding the Mysteries of Descent. It's time to undergo an initiation of Ascent.

But I find the prospect frightening. Part of me would far rather remain curled up in the underworld.

It may be that part of me has always been there -- which may be one reason why ambition and achievement have been so elusive for me in this lifetime.

I don't know. I have to explore this further.

But this is part of an increasingly urgent sense of the necessity of making changes that has been growing this week.

A few more things need to come together for me to know what to do. Some medical test results and finding a counselor are part of that process. But I expect that this weekend is going to involve another long session of introspection, contemplation and conversations.

Health & Vocation

I haven't written about this publically, but on Monday I had a follow-up mammogram ("retakes to get a better photo," I joked). The second mammogram was followed in quick succession by an ultrasound and a biopsy. I've been waiting since Monday afternoon for the results, and the contemplation of the possibility of facing breast cancer has triggered some intensely important realizations.

Chief among those realizations was that I felt far more dread at the thought of spending several more years working in my day job than I did dying from cancer. Yes, that's right: continuing my day job was, for me, "a fate worse than death."

Granted, death is far less fearful for me than it is for many (see my entry of a few minute ago), but talk about getting A Wake Up Call. Among other things, I'm now actively looking for a therapist who can help me work through whatever psychological issues continue to hold me back from making the significant changes in my professional life that I've been talking about and making unsuccessful or abortive attempts at for the past several years.

The lab just called to tell me that the spot they biopsied was benign.

That's good news, and I'm grateful.

But it's clear that I have other "health" issues in my life that need to be addressed as vigorously as cancer would have been.

Self Care Saturday

On the agenda for tomorrow so far:

* Sleep In

* Journal / Maybe Go To Island and Journal (dependent on weather)

* Trade in used books, get cash and/or more books

* Get Massage

* Cozy Dinner at Home

* Contemplate bead projects and bead stash, plan Sunday's shopping trip AND/OR Watch favorite movie(s) AND/OR Read a Really Good Book

* Journal

* Gentle ritual

* Sleep