Growing Up

An hour or so ago I sent an email to "Nick" asking him how he perceived I had changed in the decade or so since we'd last been in regular contact.

I'm not going to post his entire answer here, but it can be summarized as "more peaceful, more centered, more humble, more open."

Which isn't so bad.

In my response I found myself writing the following: I think I've achieved a certain level of graceful (as opposed to belligerant) not giving a damn.

I liked that.

When I was growing up, I was taught to be very aware of the expectations of society and church, and to be sure that everything I did was appropriate and would meet with the approval of the authorities of family, school, church, and community. I worry far less about that now. In fact, most of the time, I pay attention only to the degree that common courtesy and professionalism demand.

At the same time, I would hope that at those times when I do stand against expectations I do it in a way that doesn't cause gratuitous conflict or drama.

A certain level of graceful not giving a damn.

We Know What We Are, But Not What We May Be

Re-connecting with Nick and talking about how we each have changed has prompted me to think again about how little my current life resembles anything I imagined for myself when I was growing up.

I did not expect that at age 43 I would. . . .

* be divorced
* be a single parent
* live in an apartment rather than a house I owned
* not have a professional career
* have a spiritual vocation
* be a Pagan (much less a Pagan priestess!)
* actually have found and be loved by a man who embodied the characteristics of my daimon
* had that man die two years after I met him
* be more or less “out” as a member of spiritual and sexual “alt” groups

Looking back, there is no possible way the girl I was up until age 25 or so could have remotely imagined who I was going to become or what my life was going to be like.