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This is one of those realizations that I seem to need to have several times before they actually sink in.
I've been wrestling with my thoughts and feelings about "relationships" and love and romance. I've also been fretting about my lack of creativity and feeling sad and anxious about my inability to come up with anything that even I find compelling.
And recently I've been totally missing the fact that these two areas are intimately connected. There's a reason why the figure of the daimon is so important to me.
My creativity has always been intimately linked to my passion. Without passion in my life - and there has been none for more than a year now - my creativity simply dries up.
This passion does not have to be the result of an actual relationship with someone. I can generate a great deal of passion from loving someone close to me but unattainable, from fantasy, or fascination with someone or something fictional. Some RPG characters and campaigns have generated a great deal of passion in me. But without that energy, my creative work is dry, boring, and dead.
Despite the fact that my passion has never been solely linked to actual relationships, I've begun to worry that my unwillingness to be open to relationship has shut off my openness to passion. Both require vulnerability. Both require the willingness to surrender to strong emotion, to be moved. I feel like my inner self is sitting on a hard chair with crossed arms and a threatening, "Get Lost!" glare directed at anyone who might open her up again to pain and surrender. She has forgotten the experience of joy. Of ecstasy.
Several years ago, I wrote in my diary that passion was my summum bonum (not sure if I remember the Latin correctly): my highest good. This was not a "should be" but a description of how I lived my life. Because I am who I am, this is not something that was obvious to most people. I've always been good at keeping up the appearance of a mundane, "respectable," reliable person. And I (almost) never skipped work to be with a lover or to work on a creative project. But most of my decisions were made to favor the feeding and experience of passion, whether that was a lover, a project, even a game campaign.
Without passion in my life I am not the person I was. And I don't like the change. My life is dominated by work, by school, by domestic obligation. None of which are bad. (As most of you know, I happen to like school a great deal.) But they are not what causes my soul and my blood to sing. They do not make me joyous. They do not produce fountains of words and images and ideas that quicken my spirit and add sparkle and zest to my life. My life is not vivid in the way it was.
I keep thinking of Hamlet's words to Gertrude: At your age the hey-day in the blood is tame. It's humble, and waits upon the judgment. I hope that I have not reached that point. I never want to be "tame"! Not in my heart and soul.
I need to find ways to coax passion back into my life, and to coax my inner self out of her rigid, defensive posture. I need to gently seek out those things that once were sources of passion and find new ones. I need to remember that passion does not always equal pain. Some ritual could help as well. (Suggestions welcome from my priest/ess friends!) I need to remember, as![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
queenofhalves wrote of so beautifully, that the universe is a magical, glorious place -- not just the mundane grayness I see before me every day.
I've been wrestling with my thoughts and feelings about "relationships" and love and romance. I've also been fretting about my lack of creativity and feeling sad and anxious about my inability to come up with anything that even I find compelling.
And recently I've been totally missing the fact that these two areas are intimately connected. There's a reason why the figure of the daimon is so important to me.
My creativity has always been intimately linked to my passion. Without passion in my life - and there has been none for more than a year now - my creativity simply dries up.
This passion does not have to be the result of an actual relationship with someone. I can generate a great deal of passion from loving someone close to me but unattainable, from fantasy, or fascination with someone or something fictional. Some RPG characters and campaigns have generated a great deal of passion in me. But without that energy, my creative work is dry, boring, and dead.
Despite the fact that my passion has never been solely linked to actual relationships, I've begun to worry that my unwillingness to be open to relationship has shut off my openness to passion. Both require vulnerability. Both require the willingness to surrender to strong emotion, to be moved. I feel like my inner self is sitting on a hard chair with crossed arms and a threatening, "Get Lost!" glare directed at anyone who might open her up again to pain and surrender. She has forgotten the experience of joy. Of ecstasy.
Several years ago, I wrote in my diary that passion was my summum bonum (not sure if I remember the Latin correctly): my highest good. This was not a "should be" but a description of how I lived my life. Because I am who I am, this is not something that was obvious to most people. I've always been good at keeping up the appearance of a mundane, "respectable," reliable person. And I (almost) never skipped work to be with a lover or to work on a creative project. But most of my decisions were made to favor the feeding and experience of passion, whether that was a lover, a project, even a game campaign.
Without passion in my life I am not the person I was. And I don't like the change. My life is dominated by work, by school, by domestic obligation. None of which are bad. (As most of you know, I happen to like school a great deal.) But they are not what causes my soul and my blood to sing. They do not make me joyous. They do not produce fountains of words and images and ideas that quicken my spirit and add sparkle and zest to my life. My life is not vivid in the way it was.
I keep thinking of Hamlet's words to Gertrude: At your age the hey-day in the blood is tame. It's humble, and waits upon the judgment. I hope that I have not reached that point. I never want to be "tame"! Not in my heart and soul.
I need to find ways to coax passion back into my life, and to coax my inner self out of her rigid, defensive posture. I need to gently seek out those things that once were sources of passion and find new ones. I need to remember that passion does not always equal pain. Some ritual could help as well. (Suggestions welcome from my priest/ess friends!) I need to remember, as
queenofhalves wrote of so beautifully, that the universe is a magical, glorious place -- not just the mundane grayness I see before me every day.
