Christmas Theatrics

[qos]

Today my mother sent an email to my sister and me about what she wants to do for Christmas Eve.

It begins like this: After dinner and before gifts, we are going to "do" the Christmas story using the Nativity scene from Bethlehem.

Dad will read the scriptures. I would like [raptures_shadow] to sing "O' Little Town of Bethlehem"..... [The Child] will put the figures into the scene as they come up. Mary and Joseph on their way to Bethlehem, etc.

[QoS], would you help [The Child] sing "Away in the Manger"? After she brings the baby to the stable?

And etc.

I can not tell you all how much I do not want to do this.
But there is no way in the world I can say as much to my mother. She ended her email with: I feel very certain about doing this this year. I hope you will all be sympathetic.

Arrrgghhh!
Like anyone could say anything to the contrary after that statement without coming across like anything but a completely insensitive clod.

When I stop to concentrate, I think about how much it will probably mean to The Child, as well as to my mother. But I do not want to sing "Away in the Manger" -- and I do not want to sing another hymn/carol by myself later on. (The one amendment I am going to pitch to my mom is that I read a poem or something instead of sing the carol she wants me to sing toward the end.) I do not want to engage in this little ritual-theatrical exercise.

I suppose it may seem strange that a seminary student would not want to do this. But it just feels false and forced to me. But my mother feels very strongly that she wants to do it, and it would be utterly horrible for me to do anything but put the best possible face on my participation.

RS, I'm trusting you not to breathe a word of this to The Parents.

(Actually, I don't imagine that Dad really wants to do it either, but he will -- and be gracious about it -- because Mother wants to. He's very sweet that way. I will try to be as sweet. I'm just going to let out a groan here, in semi-anonymity, and get it out of my system.)

Comments

[queenofhalves]

what part of this bothers you the most? i can't really tell from your post.

[qos.livejournal.com]

I probably wouldn't mind reading the nativity story while the Child placed the figures in the scene. But I don't like the performance aspect of my sister, daughter and I singing.

I guess I also don't like having it presented to me in such an authoritarian manner. My mother didn't ask if any of us wanted to do this, and she didn't ask how we would like to participate. She simply decided we were going to do it, handed out parts, and then phrased her email in a way that made me feel that I would be wretch if I objected or resisted in any way.

Thanks for asking. I hadn't really thought down to that level yet.

[athenian-abroad.livejournal.com]

I do not want to engage in this little ritual-theatrical exercise.

I hope you'll forgive me if I give in -- briefly! -- to the impulse to say, "Welcome to my world!" OK, I'm all better now.

But it just feels false and forced to me.

Of course it does: it is forced. You probably feel manipulated and emotionally coerced by your mother (because she's being manipulative and emotionally coercive). So your groan is entirely understandable.

Now the hard part....

Have you thought about why she might have felt the need to present her Pageant Demand in this peremptory fashion? I'm pretty sure it isn't because she's evil. She's many things, but evil isn't remotely one of them.

So here's a conjecture: she's afraid. We've talked before about her being the sort of person who creates very clear and strong mental images of "how things ought to be," and how upsetting it can be for her when things in the world don't match up with those images. And we know that her track record in getting the world -- and in particular her family -- to conform to those images is...imperfect. So it's not hard to see why she might have...um...overdone the urgency of her request.

The iron grip you're feeling isn't imperiousness, it's white-knuckled panic.

At the risk of intruding even further into an area where I probably have no business, I'll risk a tiny bit of advice. You can throw a rock at my head later.

First, re-establish your sense of control. You are in control here: you can decide to agree to the requests, or not, or to negotiate, or to compromise, or whatever. If you can hold that clearly in your mind, you'll be free to make a decision based on your own character, without worrying about the need to protect your autonomy. You're autonomous no matter what.

Second, consider addressing the issue directly with you mother. Perhaps, somehow, you can let her know that she can trust you to deal gently and kindly with her feelings about how the holidays should be. (I dont know whether there's anything to be gained there or not; family patterns are very durable. But it might be worth thinking about.)

[qos.livejournal.com]

"Welcome to my world!"

I understand that much better than I would have a month ago. And actually. . . it's probably a lot closer to the truth than I would have realized.

because she's being manipulative and emotionally coercive

I was just replying to queenofhalves and realizing how much that is an issue. Mom didn't ask if we wanted to do this, or how we might want to take part or express ourselves; she decided we were going to do it and she handed out parts.

it's white-knuckled panic

I hadn't thought about that, but you could be at least partially right. This may be another manifestation of her fear of the influence of the Ex's SO -- although she is no more or less religious than Ex.
It is also true that it may just be her own need for an affirmation of The True Meaning of Christmas, especially in light of my dad's diagnosis of Parkinson's earlier this year and the pressure of living with the daily reminders that they are both aging.

Claiming my own authority and autonomy is a good suggestion. I've been playing with different ideas of what I can say to Mom to express my feelings without being hurtful. There's a happy medium in here that I need to strike. There are times when it is essential to tell my truth, and times when it does me no harm to swallow my irritation and acquiesce gracefully.

The thing is: I'm not sure I can carry off the "gracefully" part in this instance. And if I can't do that, I'll just make matters worse.

Thanks for your input. It's helpful to have someone comment here who actually knows my mother and is familiar with my family dynamics.

[wlotus.livejournal.com]

Like anyone could say anything to the contrary after that statement without coming across like anything but a completely insensitive clod.

If I didn't want to do it, I would say something like, "That sounds very nice, Mom. I am sure The Child will enjoy it very much. I will not participate, but I'll be happy to watch, since it means so much to you." Such a statement is not open to argument and is perfectly within your right as an independent adult. It may not be easy to say, but it is completely within your right to decide how you want to spend your time and energy.

[qos.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the suggestion. I'm surprised at just how tough it is to imagine actually doing that.

At the moment, I think I'm going to suggest that I participate in a slightly different manner than what she planned. This isn't something I'm so set against that it would involve compromising myself to take part -- but I do need to assert my own needs here.