qos | Distance, Discipline, and the Divine (Reply)

blessed_harlot, who is a dear and trusted friend on my spiritual path, left an important question on My 'Fail' post of a few days ago.

. . . There is one part of your description of your relationship to Erishkigal that is always very difficult to hear. It's the deliberate distancing on Her part. Whether I'm meeting a more mundane obstacle to my work or something of greater depth that makes me feel lost or confused, that is precisely when I hope for and find my God to be closer to me, not further away. That's true especially when I'm the obstacle. It's not only about needing help, but about feeling trust and comfort in the relationship. The disciplinary distancing that you describe, from my perspective, feels harsh, perfectionistic and like a condition on the relationship. I just... I'm not sure what to do with that. Is that necessary to your work? Is that something that feeds you? Am I missing something important? I'm wondering if this points to a basic difference in how we relate to the divine.

Again, I appreciate these questions. The short answer is this: Yes, I believe that the temporary distancing I experience is necessary to my work, due to both my personality and my personal history. I experience it with a certain degree of pain, but also with gratitude.

One of the biggest challenges of my life is follow-through. As I've written before, I'm a very smart person with a considerable amount of natural talent. This means that I pick up the basics of things very easily, without much effort -- and often with such carelessness that I don't learn everything I need to. Then, when things become more difficult, I don't have a habit or discipline of focused effort to carry me through to the more advanced stages, and sometimes I don't have all the information or skill I need for a strong foundation. This is as true of my spiritual life as it is of music, foreign language, and other pursuits.

I came to the Underworld path after almost two decades of spiritual wandering, of almost never going past the surface of a particular structure or tradition or practice. One of the requirements Ereshkigal lays on me -- which I accepted freely -- is that of consistent effort and follow-through. I have been told explicitly that if I do not do the work, She will leave me -- not forever, but for as long as I do not uphold my side of the relationship as Her priestess.

I appreciate being held to my commitments and having my "boss" impose consequences when I fail to meet them. Those who identify as submissives within a D/s context may relate to the desire to have their actions mean something, and to be held accountable if they fail to carry out their assigned tasks rather than have their dominant wave a hand and say "Don't worry about it." Ereshkigal takes my training seriously and wants me to do so as well. Her imposing discipline is a sign of this.

As for being denied the love and fellowship of my god when I need it most -- this is one area in which my polytheism gives me a very different experience than that of a monotheist. Ereshkigal is my primary patron, but She is not the only manifestation of the Divine with whom I have a relationship. When She is distant, I have others to turn to for support, reassurance, and love. I don't write about Isis very often, but she is one of those whose presence is not withdrawn when I stumble. I also have LM's constant love, reassurance and support. He takes my failures seriously, but he almost never distances himself because of them. (He has feelings too, and occasionally I've hurt them by not following through on a commitment, but that's only happened once or twice.)

It's also important to understand that I while I do feel pain when Ereshkigal distances herself, I also experience it as an affirmation. The power dynamic in our relationship is important to me, and in this context, discipline is an affirmation not only of Her commitment but of my kinky identity. Having my patron engage with me in this way is nurturing, especially after many years of having my kink excluded from my spirituality.

One other thing that might not be clear is that Ereshkigal never goes off in a huff of anger or recrimination. She doesn't withdraw as a punishment on a personal level. It's more a balancing of energy: I have not been faithful in being attentive to Her and to my path, therefore She removes Her attention from me. As a goddess of boundaries, this is one way which She maintains appropriate boundaries in our relationship.

I hope this is helpful, and welcome any further questions anyone may have. .