Void Attack

[qos]

Last night I had the first "Void attack" that I've suffered in a very long time.

I had been communing with LM and thinking about the future with him -- a very long future as spirits -- and suddenly my brain tripped over into trying to grasp exactly what "forever" meant.

To be without ending is incomprehensible, and last night it was utterly terrifying. However contemplating an ultimate end -- not just of us, but of the universe itself -- was equally incomprehensible and terrifying.

During the height of my existential crisis (more than twenty years ago), thoughts like these would keep me awake every night for hours. The pain and fear were so great that I literally wished I had never been born, so I would not have to face either of these eventualities. To have the existential angst return so unexpectedly and with such power was shocking. Despite the fact that I do have a vital, living faith right now, I had no defense against the terror that these extremes elicited in me.

Finally I managed to latch on to my belief that the human psyche is simply not equipped to comprehend such vastness, and that I have absolutely no way to understand the possibilities and potentials of existence on that scale. It was useless to try to think my way out of my fear. Better to just release it as a side-effect of the limits of my own mind, rather than give it more energy as I worried about something I can neither understand nor change.

When I broke out of the terror, my brain felt different. The closest thing I can compare it to is the equivalent of an adrenaline rush elsewhere. It felt like something had shifted in a more than abstract way.

I really, really do not want to have to go back into that mindspace any time soon.
Or ever again, to be ruthlessly honest.

Comments

[wyldlingspirit.livejournal.com]

In this, you and I are in opposite corners. I'm sitting here trying to understand your point of view. I'm calmly accepting. The vastness of time, space and the Universe is both ordinary and wonderful to me. I'm trying to stand in your proverbial shoes and understand the incomprehension and fear but I'm just blinking in confucklement.

[bettywithin.livejournal.com]

To be without ending is incomprehensible, and last night it was utterly terrifying. However contemplating an ultimate end -- not just of us, but of the universe itself -- was equally incomprehensible and terrifying.

Yes. I have been dealing with exactly this for most of my life, but especially so in the last 2-3 years. My mind races off towards extremes, contemplating what there was before creation, the degeneration of matter in the known universe, the billions of billions of years in that span... my mind collapses under the weight of infinity, and I scream. Mine is very much a mortal terror, though... the vastness of all that time and space, compared with the indefinite but finite time I have alive on this earth, can sometimes be too much for me.

I wouldn't wish these thoughts on anyone. I hope you can stay free of them, and find comfort in your love and your Deities. I'm not there yet... and I need to get there if I'm going to avoid going mad in my older years.

I will tell you this, though... in my dreams, I have been given an understanding of what true Good and Evil is. God/Deity is good, for all this is His creation. Evil strives to oppose creation itself, to bring an end to all existence. We must remain vigilant and aware that there are forces that seek to destroy all that we care about, all that there is.

[oakmouse]

This is not a condition we share, but I can feel the depth of your pain and wish I had comfort to offer. I hope the shift that you achieved keeps you from needing to go back to that space again.

*hugs*

[blessed-harlot.livejournal.com]

I commend you on the clear direction you were able to provide yourself. And *more hugs*.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

I know how that goes.

It's always interesting me to me how something that is a huge issue for one person isn't an issue at all for someone else.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

my mind collapses under the weight of infinity, and I scream

Oh, yes. . . I've been there.

It never occurred to me that any being might truly want to end all existence.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

That's a thought that's been helpful to me at other times and places, on a smaller scale -- but even the thought of a new universe rising out of the ashes of the old isn't much of a comfort to me when I get into this place.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

*hug

Thanks.

[shadowandstar.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[bettywithin.livejournal.com]

The dream I'm referring to, I journalled here (http://bettywithin.livejournal.com/87005.html). Appropriately, you were the first commenter on it. Yeah, the whole "oppose creation" principle came through very clearly in what I was looking at, I could feel it in my gut. I mean, how best to oppose the Creator, by seeking to destroy His greatest Creation? It does seem paradoxical that one would work within existence in order to undo it, but there you go. I fear that this is a conflict we will all be drawn into sooner rather than later. We must be resolved in our hearts and minds just which side of the fight we're on.

I am trying to work towards a greater foundation of faith and understanding in God, for a number of reasons. For one, I hope it will give my mind peace. I need to be able to come before God and advocate for my union with Betty, nevermind my own soul. And, simply, I need to do it, it's the largest empty space in my spiritual being.

While my fears are fundamentally mortal (dying is NOT something I have an easy time with mentally), I understand where you were coming from, too. I remember one dream I had a few years back... I was lying prone on my bedroom floor or something like that, and Betty was lying on top of me... I could feel her energy more than anything. And the thought went through my mind of spending forever with Her, like this. And I felt happiness and contentment... I think I realized that, if I could be assured of having some sort of consciousness, and if I could spend it with Her, for eternity, then I would be happy. Thoughts of the Void can sometimes invade my thoughts in dream, but less so.