Wondering Where I'm Headed
Nov. 14th, 2007 05:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosEvery night before bed I spend some devotional time with Ereshkigal. Last night was the first time that I'd lit the candle on the new altar, and it made a surprising difference, as though the altar wasn't empowered until the flame was there. Maybe this is something others are used to, but this was a first for me.
After an intense week or so, the pace has slowed down a bit with Her. My sense is that now the idea is simple to develop some discipline around the practices and rules I've been given, continuing to integrate and to let the effects of the practice have time to sink in. But even while I believe that it's a good idea to have this time between major events, I want more "big stuff". I've never been good at the daily routine of "doing the work." Which only makes it more understandable that I spend time doing exactly that.
Meanwhile, I also had a conversation with Her last night about where this is heading, about what my priestess path is going to look like further down the road. Actually it was less of a conversation than me wondering and discerning and making my wishes known.
For some reason last night I was filled with an intense conviction that I do not want to work with the spirits of the dead, not if it involves having to actually see them. I'm not sure why it was so intense last night, but I was extremely unnerved by the idea of having spirits popping up unexpectedly in a way that I could clearly discern. I didn't want to be able to see them.
Which in some ways is acutely ironic, given that I want to be able to discern and interact with LM even more clearly than I do. Of course he's a special case, but it's still ironic.
I had to think about that for a while. Clearly there's an aspect of my work that involves sex and spirit, and particularly bdsm. Raven Kaldera's Dark Moon Rising talks about the Top as an "ordeal master," someone who presides over rituals of Descent that involve pain and physical extremes. I don't think that's exactly my path, but at least part of my work with Ereshkigal is definitely about learning to preside over and/or guide some kind of Descent work for others. My own experience with existential crisis and surviving emotional abuse suggest that those are fertile areas where I can be of service to others.
Then there's the more subtle work, the work I do with LM, which I've been given to understand (although not by Ereshkigal) involves service by bringing certain energies to manifestation in the world through various priestly practices. That work seems to be on a back burner while I study under Ereshkigal, but my sense is that my work with Her is going to deepen all my capacities for connection with him and for spiritual work in general.
I believe I posted here a few days ago my renewed sense that unless what I'm doing has benefit beyond myself, something is missing. As I typed that I remembered the idea I had of adding a Grail visualization to my morning practice. It's a simple process of visualizing myself as a Grail, channeling divine energies of healing, love, and renewal into the world. It's not dramatic, but at least it's a way to remember that my focus needs to extend beyond myself, and that even small steps can have meaning and impact.
All of this is in addition to my work as a spiritual director, which I see as a complementary aspect of my vocation, but not necessarily part of this work. But as I type that, I get the sense that I should not be making that distinction. It's all the same path, all part of my vocation. It's not even a good idea to say that it's a different manifestation, because it's not. The various energies and techniques may ebb and flow in different situations, but it's part of the totality of who I am and what I do as a priestess.
After an intense week or so, the pace has slowed down a bit with Her. My sense is that now the idea is simple to develop some discipline around the practices and rules I've been given, continuing to integrate and to let the effects of the practice have time to sink in. But even while I believe that it's a good idea to have this time between major events, I want more "big stuff". I've never been good at the daily routine of "doing the work." Which only makes it more understandable that I spend time doing exactly that.
Meanwhile, I also had a conversation with Her last night about where this is heading, about what my priestess path is going to look like further down the road. Actually it was less of a conversation than me wondering and discerning and making my wishes known.
For some reason last night I was filled with an intense conviction that I do not want to work with the spirits of the dead, not if it involves having to actually see them. I'm not sure why it was so intense last night, but I was extremely unnerved by the idea of having spirits popping up unexpectedly in a way that I could clearly discern. I didn't want to be able to see them.
Which in some ways is acutely ironic, given that I want to be able to discern and interact with LM even more clearly than I do. Of course he's a special case, but it's still ironic.
I had to think about that for a while. Clearly there's an aspect of my work that involves sex and spirit, and particularly bdsm. Raven Kaldera's Dark Moon Rising talks about the Top as an "ordeal master," someone who presides over rituals of Descent that involve pain and physical extremes. I don't think that's exactly my path, but at least part of my work with Ereshkigal is definitely about learning to preside over and/or guide some kind of Descent work for others. My own experience with existential crisis and surviving emotional abuse suggest that those are fertile areas where I can be of service to others.
Then there's the more subtle work, the work I do with LM, which I've been given to understand (although not by Ereshkigal) involves service by bringing certain energies to manifestation in the world through various priestly practices. That work seems to be on a back burner while I study under Ereshkigal, but my sense is that my work with Her is going to deepen all my capacities for connection with him and for spiritual work in general.
I believe I posted here a few days ago my renewed sense that unless what I'm doing has benefit beyond myself, something is missing. As I typed that I remembered the idea I had of adding a Grail visualization to my morning practice. It's a simple process of visualizing myself as a Grail, channeling divine energies of healing, love, and renewal into the world. It's not dramatic, but at least it's a way to remember that my focus needs to extend beyond myself, and that even small steps can have meaning and impact.
All of this is in addition to my work as a spiritual director, which I see as a complementary aspect of my vocation, but not necessarily part of this work. But as I type that, I get the sense that I should not be making that distinction. It's all the same path, all part of my vocation. It's not even a good idea to say that it's a different manifestation, because it's not. The various energies and techniques may ebb and flow in different situations, but it's part of the totality of who I am and what I do as a priestess.
