Musings About Motherhood
Aug. 29th, 2004 05:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
qosEvery so often, I surprise myself with my writing: suddenly discovering a truth I had not consciously understood before.
Today I was writing about a character who, like me, had become pregnant by choice, but her choice had been made out of love for her husband rather than a desire to become a mother. He had a deep desire and need to be a father, and she wanted to give him that.
During her pregnancy, she struggles with a deep fear of the fact that her life will never be the same again. The rest of her life will not be her own. She will be tied to the needs of the stranger, the alien, growing within her body. Her husband points out that her life has not been the same since she came to his country, or since they married. That life continues to change.
It was that last bit that caught my attention. "Life is change" is such a truism that I don't think it's something I've ever thought deeply about. I haven't regretted much in my life, but sometimes I still wrestle with the fact that as a mother certain options are no longer as open to me, simply because my child has a primary claim on my resources. I'm no Mommy Martyr, but there are things that I would like to do that I will not, because it would demand too much of the time and energy I owe to my daughter.
I don't think that I have ever accepted the full truth of my own statement that becoming a mother was an initiatory experience: one that made me a different person than I was before. I have not been particularly graceful in my acceptance of the new life, or fully accepted the fact that life continues to change, and we can never count on any options remaining open to us.
We continue to have choice. We always make choices. At the very least we can choose how we face our options, even if we might wish they were different than they are. Sometimes we need to fight for different options, or refuse to be defined by expectations. But sometimes we need to adapt and grow. I've done some of that in becoming a mother, but not as deeply or with as much maturity as I might have.
One of my best friends told me that when he saw Kill Bill 2, the Bride reminded him of me in the fact that becoming a mother changed her so radically.
I felt a real twinge when he told me this. I didn't want to be told that being a mother had changed me. The fact is: it has changed me. And there is no going back.
But is that a bad thing? In my mind, when I am ruthlessly honest, it always has been. And that's something that has hurt me, and it certainly hasn't helped my child. But I've never stopped to reflect on it with any depth, or to make any radical, meaningful choices. I've been caught up in knee-jerk emotional reactions to a stereotype of motherhood and a particular image of myself.
Time to start renovating a box. . .
Today I was writing about a character who, like me, had become pregnant by choice, but her choice had been made out of love for her husband rather than a desire to become a mother. He had a deep desire and need to be a father, and she wanted to give him that.
During her pregnancy, she struggles with a deep fear of the fact that her life will never be the same again. The rest of her life will not be her own. She will be tied to the needs of the stranger, the alien, growing within her body. Her husband points out that her life has not been the same since she came to his country, or since they married. That life continues to change.
It was that last bit that caught my attention. "Life is change" is such a truism that I don't think it's something I've ever thought deeply about. I haven't regretted much in my life, but sometimes I still wrestle with the fact that as a mother certain options are no longer as open to me, simply because my child has a primary claim on my resources. I'm no Mommy Martyr, but there are things that I would like to do that I will not, because it would demand too much of the time and energy I owe to my daughter.
I don't think that I have ever accepted the full truth of my own statement that becoming a mother was an initiatory experience: one that made me a different person than I was before. I have not been particularly graceful in my acceptance of the new life, or fully accepted the fact that life continues to change, and we can never count on any options remaining open to us.
We continue to have choice. We always make choices. At the very least we can choose how we face our options, even if we might wish they were different than they are. Sometimes we need to fight for different options, or refuse to be defined by expectations. But sometimes we need to adapt and grow. I've done some of that in becoming a mother, but not as deeply or with as much maturity as I might have.
One of my best friends told me that when he saw Kill Bill 2, the Bride reminded him of me in the fact that becoming a mother changed her so radically.
I felt a real twinge when he told me this. I didn't want to be told that being a mother had changed me. The fact is: it has changed me. And there is no going back.
But is that a bad thing? In my mind, when I am ruthlessly honest, it always has been. And that's something that has hurt me, and it certainly hasn't helped my child. But I've never stopped to reflect on it with any depth, or to make any radical, meaningful choices. I've been caught up in knee-jerk emotional reactions to a stereotype of motherhood and a particular image of myself.
Time to start renovating a box. . .
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-29 08:22 pm (UTC)I didn't know you before, so I can't tell you how you have changed. All I can say is that I imagine you have changed in more profound ways then you have realized and that you will continue to grow into the new role that the universe has defined for you.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-31 06:01 am (UTC)Since writing this entry, I've been trying to concentrate not so much on how I've changed, but on being willing to embrace the fact that my life will never be the same as it was when I was childless, and letting that be all right instead of continuing to resist it on some deep level that I constantly deny.
Hmmm. . . I'm wondering which is the correct question: how much have I changed, or how much has my lifestyle changed? The two are closely related but far from synonymous.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-31 02:15 pm (UTC)i don't know where to start on that, but others on your friends list might...
(no subject)
Date: 2004-09-05 10:38 am (UTC)It helped me understand that I could be A Good Mother in my own way. But as I think about it now, I don't think I ever built a really clear picture of what "my own way" looked like. And even if I had - life keeps changing, just as my child keeps changing, so our mutual needs change, and what was appropriate when she was two years old is no longer applicable.
Putting some conscious meditation into this topic is probably a good idea. MT's recent posts have also given me some food for thought.