more animals


Wolfling and I were both sick last night, so I sent a text message to my boss at around 6:30am and called Wolfling's school, notifying all the proper authorities we were going to be out today, then I went back to sleep until 9:30. Wolfling is still asleep on the couch, where she relocated somewhere in the middle of the night.

The weekend was long, busy, and unproductive. Once Wolfling wakes up, we'll probably watch the last couple of episodes of Blood+ on the current disc from Netflix, then I'll get around to paying the bills I was supposed to have handled on Saturday morning. I also need to sort through the basket of general paperwork on my desk, and scan and send oakmouse my practice log from last week.

The biggest news from the weekend isn't quite ready to share yet. I think I've found a very good new area for my spiritual direction work -- but I want to do some more research and discernment before I discuss it here. I'm excited about the potential, but need to make sure I'm actually a good fit for the work.

Members of me_and_my_tarot, I hope to have the next lesson up before I go to bed this evening.

To my surprise (and delight) I no longer feel as if I am entering prison every morning as I come in to work, nor do I feel like I'm escaping prison when I leave. It's still not my favorite way to spend eight hours, but I no longer feel oppressed and depressed the entire time.

It certainly helps that She-Who-Will-Not-Be-Named no longer has anything to do with my work day. I've seen her maybe four times in the past six months, spoken with her only briefly and about nothing of consequence.

When I listen to the songs I associate with uncrowned_king I seldom weep, and when I do, often tears of love and gratitude for the blessing of the relationship with him, not the agony of grief at being parted.

I do some form of spiritual practice every day, and my spiritual life is getting ever deeper and more satisfying.

I no longer feel any twinge of fear or nervousness when I get into an elevator.

I am working out with weights and cardio a couple of times a week. I need to expand that, but for now it's still having a positive impact. As I observed a little while ago, my muscles are getting stronger and my lung capacity is improving again.

My non-rational urgency/fear around hunger has diminished significantly. Even when I'm hungry, I'm not going through the drive-through on the way home from work. If I snack at my desk, it's on a few cashews and almonds, not potato chips.

I've stopped having sudden images of myself with my hands bound -- a mental quirk that's been with me for decades.

A particular relationship that's been troubling for much of the past year has decreased in urgency and painfulness because I'm no longer allowing someone else's lack of connection to upset me.

I'm still not the world's greatest housekeeper, but I'm starting to feel both more relaxed and more attentive about my domestic chores. I perceive the energy impact to the clutter and want to do something about it.

Slowly but steadily I am gaining faith in vocation and feel increasing excitement about living it out in public.


All of this adds up to a much happier and more contented Me than I've been in a very long time.

In addition to simply being a gorgeous piece of artwork, the 6 of Swords in the Gilded Tarot differs in a very important way from the 6 of Swords of the Robin Wood tarot.






The Robin Wood card shows a person as a passenger in a boat being moved forward by a spiritual guide of some kind. The Gilded Tarot shows a person poling her own boat. The large moon in the background suggests openness to intuition and spirit, but she is still making an effort and taking responsibility for getting where she needs to be.

Both cards speak of journeys and progress under the influence of spirit. Only one shows the person doing something to advance the journey.

I've always loved the RW 6 of Swords. It spoke to me of my own Journeys -- but it's also a vivid image of how I've let myself be moved by outside forces (not always Spirit!) more often than by my own will.

Last night's dreams culminated in a sequence in which I tried to prepare a completely novice group of women for a battle. By the end of the dream it was an SCA war, but I can't remember now if it started out that way.

I had a relatively small group, perhaps a dozen or so people to educate, organize, and lead -- and I was utterly unable to do my job. The primary group splintered into little sub-groups, each of which was absorbed in its own conversations, most of which had nothing to do with the preparation for battle. Every time I tried to get them all together, something in our conditions shifted, so we had to move, or someone new came in. . . and everything fell apart again. (Hurm. Sounds like my own mind being unable to focus and constantly getting distracted from my primary goals by irrelevances.)

I think my Ex-husband (with whom I took the field in SCA battles on more than one occasion) was on the other side, but there were at least three parties to the conflict.

The beginning of the battle was soon upon us, and I frantically tried to arm my warriors -- only to realize that many of them had real weapons, not SCA fighter weapons. I was hurrying up and down the line, trying to explain to each woman that she could not actually strike with those weapons.

Finally someone -- I think it was pathdancer -- called to me that the battle was about to start. I hurried to my place in line to find that one of my "fighters" had tried to be helpful and had brought me my sword -- but it was the real sword I bought in the summer of 2007, not an SCA sword, and there was no time to run back and exchange it.

I was about to enter a recreational combat with a real weapon, and I was angry at myself for not being better prepared, angry at the person who'd tried to help me by bringing the wrong weapon, and angry that I was about to fail as a fighter and a leader because I couldn't strike without doing harm.


Which all resonates very strongly with the non-rational fears which I believe are part of the reason why I continue to struggle turning my vocational practice into actual work. Except, as I type this, I realize that when I touch those fears while I'm awake, I perceive that there is a threat of harm to me if I pursue them. The dream suggests that I'm actually afraid that I'm unfit to lead and that if I actually use my gifts I'll bring harm to others.

The last bit immediately brings up memories of 'learning' at a very young age that answering all the questions in class made me a "show-off" and I needed to be considerate of the feelings of others, give them a chance to respond too. As far as I can presently discern, that's the root of my inhibition about stepping up and offering my gifts to the world: that somehow my letting my light shine will intimidate others or make them uncomfortable.

Somehow I need to learn the lesson from the Marianne Williamson quote which a_belletrist posted last week. I always remember the opening line: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."

What I forget is the closing lines:

As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I experience this frequently in the presence of others who have allowed their gifts to shine. But I have not yet internalized it for myself.

My gifts are not a threat to those around me.

And while it is within the realm of possibility that I could cause harm to someone if I made a major error during a spiritual direction session, it's actually unlikely that my mistakes in a session or classroom will actually hurt anyone.

Is that what I need to look at more deeply?

What can stop you, after all, when you are not concerned with failure or desperate for success? You are free to act.

- Bernard Theroux

Yesterday I had my monthly spiritual direction appointment, and my director pointed out two boxes of books which had been left by someone else for others to go througth and take what interested them.

This was the back cover text for "The Next Critical Step" by Bernard Theroux:

When you ignore the voice within, the longing of your soul, regarding what you are to do with your life, then frustration develops. If you use spiritual practices to help you to quiet those frustrations, what do you think will eventually occur? . . . These pages explore the possibility that acting upon your purpose may be the next critical step in the spiritual process.

Emphasis mine.


And then on page 31: "If you are at a place in your life where you feel great pressure to manifest your purpose, you should know that to not surrender to your calling is not an act of passivity. It takes great energy, great self-suppression, to hold back the creative force. You may want to ignore your calling, but that act of avoidance. . . is actually an act of great violence against yourself. The creative force is very powerful, and our habits of self-denial must be equally forceful to keep ourselves down. You must really choke the life out of yourself if you want to keep your calling hidden."



You must really choke the life out of yourself if you want to keep your calling hidden

I can't think of much a better way to summarize the crisis of the past couple weeks.

I find it deeply affirming that right on the heels of the profound transitions and affirmations of the past week, I've obtained a book called Colliding Galaxies: The Universe in Turmoil.

When I was writing my stories of the Link, I made up the idea of colliding galaxies as a device to justify the stories I wanted to write: stories about a young woman moving between worlds and galaxies and finding her destiny as a mediator. I didn't believe that galaxies really collided. I thought that everything in space was moving out and away from everything else, with galaxies getting more distant from each other, not bumping into each other.

But galaxies do collide.

And I did grow up to become a Link between worlds.

And I married a king.

None of this happened the way I envisioned, of course -- but back in the late 1970's and early 80's I didn't have any frame of reference to frame the yearnings I felt except science fiction.


Why in the world (in all the worlds!) should I have the slightest doubt that I can become a successful spiritual director? I've already done the impossible stuff!

I'm still feeling physically wrung out, but last night I was told in no uncertain terms that I needed to do something for evening practice. So I got up, took my position standing in my bedroom, and this is what happened. . . .


I stand to do my exercises, begin to the ground into the Underworld. Stop.

I root myself in this earth, I say silently. And then, even more silently, The living earth.

I feel how for all these months I've been grounding into the Underworld, bypassing all the life energy of the planet.

I ground in Earth: consciously, deliberately. Then I put down roots into the Underworld: to Ereshkigal, to Lohain. I reach deep to the source of my heart.

I feel the floor tremble beneath my feet as power answers my call - a truck passing by, or something else?

I reach up to Inanna, Queen of the Morning & Evening Star, Queen of Heaven. I connect with her, am surrounded by starlight.

Ereshkigal below and Inanna above.

I see in my mind the double loop of Ereshkigal-Inanna.

I am The Link.

I raise my right arm to Inanna, reach down with my left to Ereshkigal, let the energies flow -- and then reverse. Then I stand with my arms stretched out to each side.

I am the cross, reaching from Underworld to the Heavens, linking energies and then extending them across the living earth.

Now you understand, Ereshkigal says. And there is rare satisfaction in Her voice.




It is only as I review this entry before posting that the deeper understanding flows through me: this is my priestess work, the linking and mediation of the energies of the Great Above and the Great Below (to use the ancient terms).

There's a lot more to understand and unpack in that concept. But that's it. That's the basic essence of my task. That's what I'm here for.


* Image found online, no artist credit. If anyone knows whose it is, please tell me.

Now that I've gotten through last week, I can finish answering the questions left in response to this meme. You can still ask questions there if you'd like.


Someone asked:

What is your strongest compass?

After knocking this question around in my head for a while, I'm coming to the conclusion that this is one of those symbols that for some reason just doesn't work for me. But I'll give it my best shot, and the person who asked the question is welcome to clarify or follow up here or on the original entry.

I don't have a single philosophy or goal or commitment that motivates me, or which I turn to for guidance more than anything else. When I was growing up (until age 22) I would have said that Christianity was that compass. Obviously my spirituality is still a powerful, fundamental force in my life, but I'm not sure I could call it a compass.

However I have two values which -- as I look back on my life -- virtually always outweigh everything else.

The first is responsibility to my family. When I was growing up, this meant that I was always conscious of the impact my actions would have on my family's reputation. (My father was a public figure.) Good behavior started at home. When I didn't live up to the expectations of good behavior, I "knew" that if my actions might hurt my family in some way -- either the external reputation or the feelings of my parents or sister -- I needed to be sure that I shielded them from those consequences. Even when my marriage was breaking up, I felt deep responsibility to my about-to-be-Ex to continue to treat him as well as possible, to not take advantage of him, and etc. Now, as a single mother, Wolfling's well-being is a fundamental concern. So is the well-being of my now-aging parents.

In short: I always consider the needs of and impact to my family when I make decisions. And I usually place those considerations very, very high. Even now, some of my decisions about how open and out to be about my "alt" beliefs and sexuaity are driven less by concerns for my own reputation than by how it would impact my parents.

The second value is passion. When my passions are engaged, just about everything else -- except responsibility to family -- goes out the window. And even the family responsibility usually gets compromised down to shielding rather than upholding.

I've made most of the major decisions in my life based on passion -- and when I haven't felt passion, my decisions have been ones of convenience and expediency. Which goes a long way to explaining the state of my career, since I never felt passion around any job opportunity or career except the rocket company. The biggest ethical violations I've committed have been driven by passion -- all within the context of personal relationships.

Passion is the fuel of my creativity as well, whether that be writing or gaming or other activities.

One of the huge downsides to being passion driven -- and smart enough to have most things that I want come easily to me -- is that I never developed discipline or persistence. So when my passion flags, it's hard for me to keep going. Where others bootstrap themselves and continue on, drawing on values of faithfulness, persistence, discipline, duty, ambition, or etc. I simply go dead in the water. Not all the time, but much more often than has been good for me.


So I don't have an external, objective compass, I have Jack Sparrow's compass: it points in the direction of what I want the most.

Which means that right now, when I don't have any passion in my life, my decisions and sense of possibilities are being framed primarily by a sense of duty to a dependent child and aging parents whose sensibilities are not in line with my vocational dreams.

No wonder I'm having a hard time motivating myself to step outside the boundaries of what they raised me to consider acceptable and responsible -- and which they continue to reinforce when I mention my ideas about pursuing additional opportunities. My father immediately tells me not to do anything that might compromise my position at or commitment to the day job and the financial security it gives me, and my mother expresses worry and concern that time spent pursuing my vocation will have a negative impact on Wolfling because I won't "be there for her." And those warnings go straight to my gut.


I guess the deepest question right now is: why don't I feel passion around my vocation? Do I feel too much fear? Too much inhibition? This is something I want. It's something that gives me deep pleasure and satisfaction when I engage in it. Why do those feelings seem to vanish shortly after the experiences?

Over the past few years I've come to deplore the degree to which some institutionalized religions reduce faith to "afterlife insurance": where there is so much focus on spirituality and morality as a means to achieve a desireable afterlife, it overlooks the positive impact that spirituality can -- and I believe should have on this life.

If a spiritual path doesn't have a life-changing, life-enhancing impact in the here and now, then -- in my not-so-humble opinion -- something is fundamentally wrong.

So what did I realize this morning?

My spiritual life has become far too otherworldly, far too focused on the afterlife, not enough engaged in this life. I've become the image of what I've claimed is radically wrong with the practices of others.

I was warned from the beginning that this is a risk of the underworld path, and the fact that my soulmate is now in the afterlife has significantly increased the risk.

I've spent a long time -- longer than just the past couple of years -- exploring and understanding the Mysteries of Descent. It's time to undergo an initiation of Ascent.

But I find the prospect frightening. Part of me would far rather remain curled up in the underworld.

It may be that part of me has always been there -- which may be one reason why ambition and achievement have been so elusive for me in this lifetime.

I don't know. I have to explore this further.

But this is part of an increasingly urgent sense of the necessity of making changes that has been growing this week.

A few more things need to come together for me to know what to do. Some medical test results and finding a counselor are part of that process. But I expect that this weekend is going to involve another long session of introspection, contemplation and conversations.