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Identity and Isolation
Mar. 21st, 2019 06:51 amI was reminded yesterday (not for the first time in recent months) that one of the challenges I have now is that there is literally nothing external in my daily life which affirms those aspects of myself which are most important to me. There is no affirmation of my creativity, my spirituality, my passion, my most cherished achievements. I go to my day job, where I am liked and affirmed, but only in my context as an office worker. Sometimes I get to share other parts of myself, and they are generally well received, but the things which are most important to me are not part of my office job.
This is one reason why I am so hungry for community, even as I tend to flinch from the thought of the obligations. I crave being recognized and appreciated for those parts of myself which I want to enjoy and continue to develop. Currently that only happens one day a month, when I attend Lodge.
This has been the longest phase of isolation I have ever experienced. . . I had not realized when I was younger how much I benefitted from being in community groups which bolstered my creativity, gave me opportunities to strike passionate sparks, and even just talk about spirituality, even if no one around me shared my specific practices. From that stimulation I could happily withdraw into solitude and nurture, enjoy, and express in other ways those important parts of myself.
It is very difficult for me to come home from work and then turn to my deeper work. I feel depleted, tired. . . and empty. There is no well from which to draw energy for my Work. But even worse. . . that emptiness in some way extends to my sense of identity. Previously I had a very strong sense of identity which was based far more on inner experiences and private, subjective stories and connections than what I did in the outer world. But I hadn't realized the extent to which that sense of identity truly was bolstered by my closest friends and companions. RIght now, my sense of inner identity is still one of emptiness, of lack, of non-existence. Which is even more deeply disturbing now that I'm stopping to really dig into it.
And I'm not sure what to do about it. This goes beyond meditation and journaling. I need to act, to create. . . This is a time of "To be is to do." I need to re-build my inner self. Or excavate. Or stir the ashes. Or something. . . And the problem is that the elements of myself that I want to invigorate are the ones I need to actually do those things. Which is why I want community. I need support to help jump-start my energies. To express sparks I can catch and fan into my own flames.
But so far my attempts at finding community haven't worked very well. . . . I need to keep trying.
And. . . I think as I write this. . . perhaps I need to be a bit less ambitious about what I try to accomplish right now. Go back to the equivalent of A-B-C's and build back up. Like physical therapy, but with my passions.
Which -- I suddenly recall -- is what Odin told me a few weeks ago. . . .
This is one reason why I am so hungry for community, even as I tend to flinch from the thought of the obligations. I crave being recognized and appreciated for those parts of myself which I want to enjoy and continue to develop. Currently that only happens one day a month, when I attend Lodge.
This has been the longest phase of isolation I have ever experienced. . . I had not realized when I was younger how much I benefitted from being in community groups which bolstered my creativity, gave me opportunities to strike passionate sparks, and even just talk about spirituality, even if no one around me shared my specific practices. From that stimulation I could happily withdraw into solitude and nurture, enjoy, and express in other ways those important parts of myself.
It is very difficult for me to come home from work and then turn to my deeper work. I feel depleted, tired. . . and empty. There is no well from which to draw energy for my Work. But even worse. . . that emptiness in some way extends to my sense of identity. Previously I had a very strong sense of identity which was based far more on inner experiences and private, subjective stories and connections than what I did in the outer world. But I hadn't realized the extent to which that sense of identity truly was bolstered by my closest friends and companions. RIght now, my sense of inner identity is still one of emptiness, of lack, of non-existence. Which is even more deeply disturbing now that I'm stopping to really dig into it.
And I'm not sure what to do about it. This goes beyond meditation and journaling. I need to act, to create. . . This is a time of "To be is to do." I need to re-build my inner self. Or excavate. Or stir the ashes. Or something. . . And the problem is that the elements of myself that I want to invigorate are the ones I need to actually do those things. Which is why I want community. I need support to help jump-start my energies. To express sparks I can catch and fan into my own flames.
But so far my attempts at finding community haven't worked very well. . . . I need to keep trying.
And. . . I think as I write this. . . perhaps I need to be a bit less ambitious about what I try to accomplish right now. Go back to the equivalent of A-B-C's and build back up. Like physical therapy, but with my passions.
Which -- I suddenly recall -- is what Odin told me a few weeks ago. . . .
