No Longer Fighting

It's been a week of psychological and spiritual insights and breakthroughs, not all of which have made it onto LJ.

This morning's realization: of course I'm exhausted and stressed. The last three-plus years have been literally a live-or-die struggle, even if the "enemy" was all internal. Of course I'm out of touch with my heart. It's been the center of my pain for so long, it's built up a protective barrier around it to prevent any more hurt.

I've been starting to relax this week, really and truly relax. I don't have to fight just to get through the day and fearing the consequences if I fail. I'm treating my convalescing heart gently, tenderly, making it safe for it to feel again, however tentatively.

There is a stage beyond "acceptance" -- at least as I am experiencing it. It's like the 'physical therapy' stage after the cast comes off. I'm slowly getting used to *not* being in pain, to not living in a tightly-curled-up ball, to not feeling desperately unhappy all the time.

It's a slower process than I would have realized. . . but it feels really, really good. . .

A Queen of Swords in a Dollhouse

I just finished watching season one of Dollhouse for the first time, and I confess that my favorite character is Adelle DeWitt, the boss of the house.

In her, Joss Whedon has created what I consider to be a perfect portrayal of a Queen of Swords. Adelle is emininently logical, decisive, in control, divorces her emotions from her business dealings, and when a weapon is brandished in her face by someone she knows is a) quite capable of using it and b) has every reason to kill her (as has happened at least twice so far), she remains cool and composed. At the same time, as the season wears on we are given glimpses and then entire scenes of her emotions and vulnerability.

We even get a scene of her in an intense, passionate fencing match, which is one of my favorite kinds of foreplay.

I have mixed feelings about the show as a whole, but I adore DeWitt.*







* Okay, yes, she's one of the bad guys. I don't approve of her, but I still love her.