Writer's Block: It Is What It Is

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When I read this question one particular phrase leaped to mind, even though it's been more than a decade since it was an issue. . .

When Wolfling was still an infant, and I was struggling with integrating "Mother" into my identity, and I had post-partum depression, my then-husband would sometimes look at me soulfully and declare, "To a child, the name of God is 'Mother.'"

I swear, I wanted to hit him every time he said it.

I was struggling to simply survive, and he was saying I needed to be god-like??

Of course that wasn't what he was trying to convey at all -- but I really didn't care. It was one more pressure, one more reason that I was supposed to be all joyous and serene about this mess that my life had become, and I hated hearing it.

I'm a bit surprised that it still touches a nerve after all these years, but as I type this I can feel an echo of that ferocious resentment deep inside.

After the first four or five times he said this, I asked him to please never say it again. He was troubled, and I can't remember whether or not I was able to make him understand why it upset me so much.

Writer's Block: Sexy

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More than anything else, what makes me feel sexy is being looked at with desire and/or feeling another person's sexual energy focused on me.

It's been difficult to feel particularly sexy on my own for quite some time now.

I Really Would Like This To Be True. . . .

Current Freewill Astrology for Sagittarius:


If at some future time you sell your life story to a filmmaker who makes it into a feature film, it may have a lot to do with adventures that kick into high gear in the coming weeks. The fun will start (I hope) when you decide not to merely lie back and be victimized by your signature pain any longer. This brave act will recalibrate the cosmic scales and shift the currents of destiny that flow through you. Soon you will be making progress in untangling a mystery that has eluded your insight for a long time. You will be able to uncover the guarded secrets of a source that has for some time been tweaking your personal power without your full awareness.


This is so pertinent to the work I've been struggling with for goodness-knows-how-long, it's not even funny.

Okay, Okay, I'm *Awake*!

I woke up this morning around 4:30am and could not get back to sleep. I was up until around 6:30, then went back to bed and finally fell asleep after some struggle.

It's now a little over two hours later, but I could have sworn I've been awakened multiple times since then:

One dream about my ex-husband, who had found my LJ, read it, and was (understandably) more than a little pissed at me. He had made a glossy brochure which illustrated the many ways our astrological dynamics were utterly out of synch and left it for me to read, but I hadn't seen it, and/or hadn't realized what it was and so had neither read it nor acknowledged it, which had made him even madder.

At least two dreams about Wolfling waking up, then waking me up, and both of us being so out of synch with our needs that we both ended up upset to the point of tears.

One dream in which the Spanish-speaking painting crew (who have been working around the complex for about a month in real-life) not only woke me by painting outside my bedroom, but then came into my bedroom and then started to stroll through the apartment intent on working on other projects, oblivious to my protests. I finally got one to speak directly to me, but the conversation was very difficult because he didn't speak much English, nor I much Spanish. (Having a bilingual dream was weird!) He finally got the message that no one had told me they would be working inside, we'd had no way to prepare, and that they had to leave immediately.

What finally, truly woke me up was the clatter of an actual ladder against the wall outside my bedroom and cheerful voices conversing in Spanish.

The fact three of these dreams follow very closely on two of the three LJ entries I made earlier today almost makes me wish I hadn't tried to write anything. At the very least my subconscious might have dredged up some pleasantly sexy dream to go with the "Writer's Block: Sexy" entry!

*grump

I seem to still have the headache I did when I first woke up, and I am *not* rested. The painters are continuing to bang ladders and supplies against the walls.

The school clothes shopping expedition scheduled for this morning is going to be pushed back a couple of hours. . .

ETA: Oh, and how could I forget the other dream -- the one about someone trying to mug me in a parking garage! I fought back, but utterly ineffectually. I blame this dream on reading a friend's LJ entry about stalkers around the same time I made my early morning posts today. (I do not blame my friend for writing about stalkers, I hasten to add.)

More on Dreams

This morning I had two dreaming hours of angst, conflict, and violation of personal boundaries.

Wolfling had dreams about being a pirate with the Muppets and then having a sword duel with Jack Sparrow. . . while quoting "The Raven."

I love my Wolfling -- and I want her dreams.

Contract Position -- Accepted

I've accepted a through-the-first-of-the-year contract position as an open issue follow-up specialist for a local game company.

The call center is about fifteen minutes away from my house, and it will give me a chance to further develop the skills I that served me in my call quality position at FormerMyCo.

I'm a bit nervous about making the commitment, but since no one has been calling me for job interviews, I consider the risks to be minimal.

I really enjoyed the environment of the call center: geek central. It's a blue jeans work environment too, which is great.

Hopefully it will be both fun and satisfying.