from "Growing Into the Blue"

My sophomore year of college was one of huge pain and transition spiritually. My difficult freshman year had been made easier by a truly special group of friends in the Intervarsity Christian Fellowship group to which I belonged, but when I returned after a year's leave, more than half the people I had known had graduated, and the overall character of the group had shifted significantly to the conservative side. I no longer felt comfortable there -- and when my existential crisis hit, everything went out the window and I would lie in bed every night and struggle with The Void.

During this time, a fellow student whose name I can't even remember now shared with me a book called Growing Into the Blue, by Ulrich Schaffer. It's a collection of poetry about pain and growth and serenity illustrated with beauitiful photographs. The words of those poems captured beautifully the kinds of feelings I was experiencing.

As usual, a good night's sleep has helped me recover after last night's crash, but one of the first things I did this morning was take down Blue and page through it, something I haven't done for years. The words were like old friends. . .


I follow my built-in compass.
I hone my instincts.
I reevaluate my guidance system.
I let go of ballast.
I test my wings.

I don't make bargains with half-measures.
I am on the road of learning.
I see the clarity of mirrors grow.
I spell my way to understanding.
I don't want an illustrious standstill.
I am perpetual motion.
Standing still is the motion of rest.

I have one goal: to touch the blue.
I want limitlessness as my ultimate skin.
I am not content with numbing repetition.
I want the cutting edge,
the lifted boundaries,
the forging vanguard,
the brazenness of life,
a cut of the unencumbered.

This is the profile of which I have to remind myself.

Refund!

Hooray for sizeable tax returns during difficult times!

Especially with moving expenses on the way. . .

Productive Day

Last night was truly, utterly awful -- but as usual my occasional low points and crashes have been cured by a good night's sleep.

Today I've done my taxes and discovered I'm getting a large return, cleaned my kitchen, and have cooked myself a lunch that included vegetables (seriously, this is a big thing for me).

Next it's time to get dressed, do my "morning" spiritual routine (so long as I do it before I leave the house for the first time, it counts as morning), pick up a check from my folks to cover the deposit I had to make on the new apartment yesterday, and then head out to finally talk to one of my spiritual director's other directees who worked as a chaplain at the VA hospital during his internship at the seminary I also attended. I've been trying to get this together for months.