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Answers: My Strongest Compass
Sep. 28th, 2008 07:32 amNow that I've gotten through last week, I can finish answering the questions left in response to this meme. You can still ask questions there if you'd like.
Someone asked:
What is your strongest compass?
After knocking this question around in my head for a while, I'm coming to the conclusion that this is one of those symbols that for some reason just doesn't work for me. But I'll give it my best shot, and the person who asked the question is welcome to clarify or follow up here or on the original entry.
I don't have a single philosophy or goal or commitment that motivates me, or which I turn to for guidance more than anything else. When I was growing up (until age 22) I would have said that Christianity was that compass. Obviously my spirituality is still a powerful, fundamental force in my life, but I'm not sure I could call it a compass.
However I have two values which -- as I look back on my life -- virtually always outweigh everything else.
The first is responsibility to my family. When I was growing up, this meant that I was always conscious of the impact my actions would have on my family's reputation. (My father was a public figure.) Good behavior started at home. When I didn't live up to the expectations of good behavior, I "knew" that if my actions might hurt my family in some way -- either the external reputation or the feelings of my parents or sister -- I needed to be sure that I shielded them from those consequences. Even when my marriage was breaking up, I felt deep responsibility to my about-to-be-Ex to continue to treat him as well as possible, to not take advantage of him, and etc. Now, as a single mother, Wolfling's well-being is a fundamental concern. So is the well-being of my now-aging parents.
In short: I always consider the needs of and impact to my family when I make decisions. And I usually place those considerations very, very high. Even now, some of my decisions about how open and out to be about my "alt" beliefs and sexuaity are driven less by concerns for my own reputation than by how it would impact my parents.
The second value is passion. When my passions are engaged, just about everything else -- except responsibility to family -- goes out the window. And even the family responsibility usually gets compromised down to shielding rather than upholding.
I've made most of the major decisions in my life based on passion -- and when I haven't felt passion, my decisions have been ones of convenience and expediency. Which goes a long way to explaining the state of my career, since I never felt passion around any job opportunity or career except the rocket company. The biggest ethical violations I've committed have been driven by passion -- all within the context of personal relationships.
Passion is the fuel of my creativity as well, whether that be writing or gaming or other activities.
One of the huge downsides to being passion driven -- and smart enough to have most things that I want come easily to me -- is that I never developed discipline or persistence. So when my passion flags, it's hard for me to keep going. Where others bootstrap themselves and continue on, drawing on values of faithfulness, persistence, discipline, duty, ambition, or etc. I simply go dead in the water. Not all the time, but much more often than has been good for me.
So I don't have an external, objective compass, I have Jack Sparrow's compass: it points in the direction of what I want the most.
Which means that right now, when I don't have any passion in my life, my decisions and sense of possibilities are being framed primarily by a sense of duty to a dependent child and aging parents whose sensibilities are not in line with my vocational dreams.
No wonder I'm having a hard time motivating myself to step outside the boundaries of what they raised me to consider acceptable and responsible -- and which they continue to reinforce when I mention my ideas about pursuing additional opportunities. My father immediately tells me not to do anything that might compromise my position at or commitment to the day job and the financial security it gives me, and my mother expresses worry and concern that time spent pursuing my vocation will have a negative impact on Wolfling because I won't "be there for her." And those warnings go straight to my gut.
I guess the deepest question right now is: why don't I feel passion around my vocation? Do I feel too much fear? Too much inhibition? This is something I want. It's something that gives me deep pleasure and satisfaction when I engage in it. Why do those feelings seem to vanish shortly after the experiences?
Someone asked:
What is your strongest compass?
After knocking this question around in my head for a while, I'm coming to the conclusion that this is one of those symbols that for some reason just doesn't work for me. But I'll give it my best shot, and the person who asked the question is welcome to clarify or follow up here or on the original entry.
I don't have a single philosophy or goal or commitment that motivates me, or which I turn to for guidance more than anything else. When I was growing up (until age 22) I would have said that Christianity was that compass. Obviously my spirituality is still a powerful, fundamental force in my life, but I'm not sure I could call it a compass.
However I have two values which -- as I look back on my life -- virtually always outweigh everything else.
The first is responsibility to my family. When I was growing up, this meant that I was always conscious of the impact my actions would have on my family's reputation. (My father was a public figure.) Good behavior started at home. When I didn't live up to the expectations of good behavior, I "knew" that if my actions might hurt my family in some way -- either the external reputation or the feelings of my parents or sister -- I needed to be sure that I shielded them from those consequences. Even when my marriage was breaking up, I felt deep responsibility to my about-to-be-Ex to continue to treat him as well as possible, to not take advantage of him, and etc. Now, as a single mother, Wolfling's well-being is a fundamental concern. So is the well-being of my now-aging parents.
In short: I always consider the needs of and impact to my family when I make decisions. And I usually place those considerations very, very high. Even now, some of my decisions about how open and out to be about my "alt" beliefs and sexuaity are driven less by concerns for my own reputation than by how it would impact my parents.
The second value is passion. When my passions are engaged, just about everything else -- except responsibility to family -- goes out the window. And even the family responsibility usually gets compromised down to shielding rather than upholding.
I've made most of the major decisions in my life based on passion -- and when I haven't felt passion, my decisions have been ones of convenience and expediency. Which goes a long way to explaining the state of my career, since I never felt passion around any job opportunity or career except the rocket company. The biggest ethical violations I've committed have been driven by passion -- all within the context of personal relationships.
Passion is the fuel of my creativity as well, whether that be writing or gaming or other activities.
One of the huge downsides to being passion driven -- and smart enough to have most things that I want come easily to me -- is that I never developed discipline or persistence. So when my passion flags, it's hard for me to keep going. Where others bootstrap themselves and continue on, drawing on values of faithfulness, persistence, discipline, duty, ambition, or etc. I simply go dead in the water. Not all the time, but much more often than has been good for me.
So I don't have an external, objective compass, I have Jack Sparrow's compass: it points in the direction of what I want the most.
Which means that right now, when I don't have any passion in my life, my decisions and sense of possibilities are being framed primarily by a sense of duty to a dependent child and aging parents whose sensibilities are not in line with my vocational dreams.
No wonder I'm having a hard time motivating myself to step outside the boundaries of what they raised me to consider acceptable and responsible -- and which they continue to reinforce when I mention my ideas about pursuing additional opportunities. My father immediately tells me not to do anything that might compromise my position at or commitment to the day job and the financial security it gives me, and my mother expresses worry and concern that time spent pursuing my vocation will have a negative impact on Wolfling because I won't "be there for her." And those warnings go straight to my gut.
I guess the deepest question right now is: why don't I feel passion around my vocation? Do I feel too much fear? Too much inhibition? This is something I want. It's something that gives me deep pleasure and satisfaction when I engage in it. Why do those feelings seem to vanish shortly after the experiences?
