Potential Great News on the Housing Front

I stopped in the office to pay my rent this afternoon, and the assistant manager asked me if I still was interested in a three-bedroom unit. "Yes," I said, "if it's away from the pool."

One may may be coming available in the next couple of days: three bedrooms, right on the entrance, closer to the pool entrance, but farther from the actual pool.

And here's the kicker: the rent is eight hundred dollars less than I am paying now.

Neither Wolfling nor I are tickled about the idea of packing up and moving everything again so soon -- but for an eight hundred dollar a month savings I'll do it!

I asked her how the rent could be so much less, and she told me it's a market issue. Rents are lower in the winter. If I sign for another year's lease, I could be very nicely set.

Prayers, candles, and positive Pentacle energy would be greatly appreciated!!

Family of Origin Insight: Consequences of Conflict

This morning, during a conversation with my mother, a family dynamic I've never been able to describe adequately came into sharp focus.

One of the things Wolfling's father and I have worked hard to teach her is that she has boundaries that deserve to be respected, that empathy and compassion and kindness toward others doesn't mean she has to allow herself to be hurt or run over by the desires of others. Both her father and I were taught as children that other peoples' feelings were of paramount importance, and we were to "be nice" in all but the most extreme situations.

The silver lining of having the twins living upstairs in The Old Place was that Wolfling learned about borders. She learned that being nice sometimes didn't guarantee harmony, and that she was not obligated to buy peace by letting others take advantage of her good nature. It was okay to say she didn't want to play, even if the twins got angry or hurt or cried. It was okay to not want to share her toys. It was okay to say so when someone did something that hurt or upset her, and she was justified in removing herself when that happened, and/or seek adult intervention.

I've never been satisifed with my previous attempts to explain how my socialization was different, but this morning my mother described a conflict situation with these words: If I expressed how upset I was, that would cause a break, so I just try to see it from the other person's side.

I sat there for a moment, running her words again in my mind, then said: Did you hear what you just said? You equated speaking up and saying you'd been hurt with automatically causing a break in the relationship. It's break the relationship or be silent. There's no middle ground to express your feelings and have the relationship survive.

That's the programming that's kept me silent too often in my life: the assumption that defending myself will cause escalation and end the relationship. I wasn't taught to express my feelings in a way that allowed room for discussion, clarification, apologies, or healing.

I think my father had more skill in this area, but he was The Father so he virtually always won any conflict in our family anyway. So we didn't really learn good conflict resolution skills from him, not in terms of family or friends situations.

It all makes so much sense now.

Consequences of Speaking Up

Thanks to everyone for your responses to my post about my childhood socialization around speaking/keeping silent in conflict.

Several people have commented that sometimes speaking up does result in a break in the relationship, or asked what my experience has been.

Yes, it's true that sometimes when I've spoken up to defend myself, protect my boundaries, or say "I hurt when you do/say that, please stop," it's only caused more trouble. Sometimes people don't want to accept responsibility for their actions; they say that I'm oversensitive or I don't understand them or I'm not being nice.

But they've been the minority. Most of the time, if I express my feelings and needs with any degree of consideration for the other person's feelings, giving them a chance to say "I didn't realize" or "I'm sorry", the outcome has been good. The relationship becomes stronger when hurts are dealt with and overcome rather than one person walking over another.

It's a risk. It's definitely a risk. But when I look back, I'd rather take the risk and break a relationship with a person who isn't truly interested in my feelings, rather than have hurt feelings fester that could be dealt with by speaking up to someone who cares and would want to make things right.

I'm not always brave enough to do this, you understand. It's an ideal to which I aspire.
But at least I'm usually aware of the choice now, instead of not understanding that there is a choice, and that speaking up does not make me a "bad" person.

The Year I Write My Book

I realized this morning as I drove to work that I have a second resolution: I'm writing a book this year.

My oldest consistent dream (since I was five years old or so) has been to write and publish a book. When I was young I assumed it would be a novel, but as I've gotten older I've realized that I could write non-fiction as well.

For the past month or two I've been thinking about writing an article about Ereshkigal and her role in The Descent. This morning I acknowledged that my Masters degree work on Inanna has given me the background to write a book about the two goddesses together and their joint -- but differently expressed -- mysteries of death, sex, sovereignty, and transformation. I intend the book to be grounded in sound academic research, but be personal and spiritual enough to have relevance to the lives of those who resonate with these themes and figures.

Contributing to my sense of momentum: I've already had an established, respected Pagan author volunteer to make introductions for me to one or more publishers while we're at Pantheacon.

This is it.
This is the year.

Pentacles Rolling Downhill!

Between the strong possibility of moving to a larger, less-expensive apartment, and my commitment to expand my professional/career/income potential and personal satisfaction by writing a book, I also spent an hour this evening creating a new resume and kick-ass cover letter for a job Someplace Else -- Someplace where I know someone on the recruiting team.

More bulletins as events warrant. . . .