Monday, pt 1

I felt okay most of yesterday, then crashed just before our late dinner. _storyteller_ and my daughter had made pasta and grilled chicken, and as we arrived at the dinner table (not always used) I saw the mug Lohain had used at our last meal. I picked it up and moved it into the kitchen and broke down in tears again. And then I broke down in tears during Babylon-5 when Delenn speaks to Sheridan of "we are the universe made manifest" and "we are starstuff." And then I broke down again and cried for a very long time.

Monday, pt 2

It was late when Storyteller left to get ready for his first day at his new job, and I put the daughter to bed -- but she was awake again half an hour later due to a nightmare, so I brought her into bed with me. Usually she's a quiet sleeper, but last night she kept me awake until well after midnight. I feel exhausted and overwhelmed, but also that I want to start getting back to routine. If I were home alone today I would do nothing but grieve, and I don't think Lohain would want that. In fact, I can hear his voice in my mind telling me how strong I am, and reminding me what he helped me learn about transmuting pain into energy. I never thought I'd apply those lessons in this fashion, but it does help.

Unexpected Comfort

I get the feed from the Astronomy Picture of the Day site. Each day, an awesome image from the depths of space opens a window from my Friends page onto the Great Mystery. Many people are oriented to "earth spirituality". I have always been most moved and inspired by the stars -- and the Void.

I just saw today's image, and it comforted me in ways words can not express.

Gift of Words 1

I received this from a friend late last night, speaking of Lohain's feelings for me:

"I will say this: I've never seen a man in whom love of a woman burns brighter."

Gift of Words 2

One of the directors I support stopped at my desk today to ask how I was doing. I told her frankly, ending with "I know that eventually I'll heal, but right now I can't imagine that having him gone will ever be all right."

And then she said to me, through her tears, "I think you'll find that within six months you will see or hear from him again. We can never be that close to someone and lose them completely."

I was stunned by her words. An oracle like that, uttered with conviction, is not what I expected at the office. I cherish her words, because I do believe that it's possible to have contact with those who live in the spirit realms. And because it was so uncannily off-the-wall coming from her.