13 Hour Day / Being Alone

Fortunately, it was a long workday because tonight was a party, but as the admin, I was also the logistics and support person, which meant that I wasn't so much partying as working. But in large part that was my perception and my choice. Jeannie certainly never gave me instructions to work instead of socialize. And half a dozen people pitched in cheerfully to help clean up at the end.

Jeannie's condo development is out in the hills of the eastside, a lovely location. About an hour into the party, I left the clubhouse by a side door and walked out into the green-ness around the building, and ended up spending about half an hour by myself. Part of it was just with the grass and trees and spring-scented breeze. Part of it was in a wonderful little stone amphitheater that made me want to do plays and ritual.

I tried to make it a spiritual time, but work kept intruding. Or not so much work as social. Does anyone notice I'm gone? And if so, do they care? Do they think it's just QoS doing her own thing? Or is someone going to seek me out and check in with me?

It's an old pattern. I don't go away from groups in order to have someone seek me out. I go because I genuinely crave the solitude. But I still wonder. Part of me wants to be left alone, to enjoy my peace and solitude. Part of me wants the proof that someone else cares enough to notice my absence and check on me. How large each of these 'parts' is, compared to the other, varies by situation and mood.