Dinner with New Friends

It was a good thing I had told lexicat that I would bring beverages to his pizza dinner on Friday night, or I might not have gone. Going to parties where I don't know anyone is not one of my favorite things to do. In fact, it's something I usually put a great deal effort into avoiding. I would have chickened out if it hadn't been for the thought I told him I would bring wine. What if I don't come and they don't have any wine, and they were counting on it? Which, in retrospect is kind of a silly thought, but that's what motivated me to actually get into the car and drive the less-than-ten minutes to his (and elphie's) apartment.

I'm glad I went. It was a very enjoyable evening, and I stayed until 11:30pm, which is late for me (usually I start to fall asleep at 10pm -- or I have found some excuse to flee a party by nine). Meeting royalbananafish face-to-face was a delightful experience. She is very smart, tells great stories, and is a lot of fun. elphie was more quiet, and we didn't talk as much, but we have a few interests in common I hope we'll be able to chat about later.

RBF's friends Justin and Pam were also there. Justin is a public defender -- and he and RBF took turns telling lawyer stories, which I enjoyed very much. (I spent several years toying with the idea of law, and I remain fascinated by the criminal justice system.) Pam is a CGI artist for a game company, but she and I found our connection in the fact of her pregnancy, an experience not shared by anyone else in the room, and about which Pam and I had very similar feelings.

I tried to cover my own shyness by asking a lot of sincere questions -- not hard, because everyone in the room was interesting. I've never cultivated any real skills at socializing beyond asking questions and trying not to talk too much myself, so gatherings like this tend to be stressful for me.

My stress was eased a bit by lexicat who poured me my favorite drink (Diet Coke and vodka) using vodka distilled in Austin, Texas. Did anyone else not from Texas know they make vodka in Austin? I was offered a choice of Stoli or the "homebrew" (I can't for the life of me remember the name), and decided that I simply could not pass up the chance to try Texas vodka.

The one part of the evening that was a twinge for me was when Justin asked me what I did. I absolutely loathe telling people -- especially smart, attractive, professionals -- that I am an executive assistant. I also made it clear during other parts of the evening that I have a MA and that I'm working on another one (I try not to be strident or defensive about it, but I fear sometimes I try too hard) but it's still embarrassing to 'fess up to my day job to people who don't know me well.

I gave Pam my card before I left. I genuinely enjoyed both her and Justin and would welcome the chance to get to know them better. It's nice to be meeting new people, even if the initial contacts are fraught with anxiety for me.

Accomplishments du Jour

1. Slept in.
2. Did some house cleaning.
3. Assembled the little file cabinet that matches my desk.
4. Took out all my recycling, including the very large pieces of cardboard packaging for the desk and the file cabinet.
5. Picked up a big bottle of my favorite vitamins from the co-op.
6. Took one-half of my favorite pair of slippers to the cobbler to repair the stitching.
7. Purchased a set of small speakers to keep next to my treadmill to reduce my excuses for not exercising.
8. Purchased a new toilet seat/lid. My current one (in basic porcelain white) is coming apart -- I blame my daughter's tendency to climb up on it to open and close the bathroom window. As I was browsing the home improvement section of Target today I saw a row of seat/lid combinations, including one that was beige with a palm tree on it. As most of you don't know, my bathroom has a tropical theme, and this seat is a great match for my shower curtain.
9. Bought socks & an inexpensive wallet. (Much needed, and on my To-Do list, not impulse purchases.)
10. Bought a small palm tree for my studio.
11. Studied for my spirituality class.

Having accomplished so much, I felt perfectly justified in kicking back this evening and watching a movie ("A Perfect Murder" -- not my cup of tea, but twisty enough to watch through to the end).

Tomorrow my two big items are getting to church and then doing prep work for my presentation as part of the panel on "Gender and Spirituality" for my next spirituality class weekend.

A Question of Pain

toesontheground posted a 50 question meme in his journal the other day. I don't have the time to answer the whole quiz, but one question in particular caught my attention: Which is worse -- emotional pain, or physical pain?

I suspect I am in the minority on this, but my own answer is that physical pain is worse.

I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship. I have had my marriage come apart. I suffered nine months of post-partum depression before I was diagnosed and put on medications. I experienced an existential crisis that put me in such significant, drawn-out pain that I eventually could see the place down the road where I would choose to commit suicide rather than go on.

I don't pretend that I have suffered anywhere near as much emotional pain as some, and it's not a competition, I'm just expressing that I've experienced a few things that literally left me curled up on the floor screaming hysterically into pillows because it hurt so badly and I felt so helpless. They were significant enough emotional pains for them to be initiatory ordeals -- by which I mean that I was not the same person after them that I was before.

In contrast, the physical pains that I have experienced are relatively mild. Pregnancy, child birth, post-partum physical complications (I'll spare you all the details), a gall bladder that had to be removed, having my jaw broken (under anesthesia) and wired shut. Not fun -- but hardly torture or major trauma.

And yet, for me physical pain is worse, because the feelings of helplessness are worse. With emotional pain, I have a sense of perspective: I have been in the depths, and I have come out again. I know that the wheel turns, that I have friends & family who will stick by me, and that I have choices even in the worst circumstances about how I am going to feel about it.

Pain drops me straight back into childhood. I lose my nerve. I feel like I am broken - or on the verge of breaking - and there is nothing I can do about it, and I don't know if it's going to get better. I like to be in control, or to feel that I can exert control, and I never feel as if I can exert control over the roots of physical pain. I feel dependent, helpless, weak. Physical pain brings emotional pain with it. Emotional pain on its own is easier for me to cope with.

Thriller

It's 10:15pm but I'm not sleepy.

A Perfect Murder was ok, but it's left me wanting to watch a thriller that's far more to my taste. Next up in the DVD: Three Days of the Condor.