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Checking In
Oct. 20th, 2004 06:07 amI've been doing more offline journaling these last few days than I have in months. It started as I was working with the numinous dreams I was having, and has continued as I wrestle with the topics of achievement, desire, and will.
Maybe I've posted some of this before (on the spiral path, most important lessons need to be 'learned' more than once), but I've been newly aware of how few of my finest achievements have been the result of my own deliberate choices and my own follow-through.
On reflection, I've realized that perhaps I was being a bit too hard on myself initially, and there were a few more of these achievements than I had realized, but the fundamental realization is still valid, and that is this: there has been very little in my life that I have truly, deeply wanted enough to motivate me to significant, meaningful action that has carried me through to actually getting what I wanted.
The question that follows that is how much of that lack of desire has been because overall I have had a very easy life, with little to provoke the kind of "divine discontent" that spurs meaningful action, and how much is due to my sense of "it wouldn't matter anyway, because what I really want, I could never have"?
At what point in my life did I come to believe that either I had no real power, or that the exercise of my power was a potentially destructive act that should be avoided? (Yes, those "playing small" comments from the retreat have continued to work in my psyche.)
I have realized how often I have been saying "I want ___" but not actually doing something about it. I used to think I was just lazy, but after these last few days I am beginning to get the sense that it's more a matter of somehow missing the connection between desire, will, action, and achievement.
Maybe it's because things came so easily to me when I was young that making an authentic effort was seldom required. And since I was strongly conditioned to remain within the safe and respectable boundaries, and not make other people uncomfortable, that nothing extrordinary was an option for me. And that mindset stuck with me.
So I've searched my heart and my gut and asked myself "What do I want?" and listened for the answers that have some emotional resonance behind them. Four things came up.
1. I want an attractive, comfortable home that will be a shelter for my daughter and me and into which I can welcome anyone at any time without being embarrassed by the clutter/mess.
2. I want to take my daughter to Disneyland next Thanksgiving week.
3. I want to commit to a minimum of 10 minutes a day of prayer/contemplation to deepen my spiritual life. (You'd think I'd already have this one down, wouldn't you, given my vocational path?)
4. I want a strong, healthy, flexible body.
All these are things that no one else can give me. They are all achieveable if I exercise my will and take responsibility for my actions in a way I don't think that I ever have before.
This all feels so damn remedial. But the fact is that most of my best achievements in the past have been required of me, given to me as a task, and/or the result of others believing in me and chasing me into acceptance.
Case in point: the first play I directed. My thesis committee said, "After putting so much work writing about these three plays about Queen Christina, you really should have the opportunity to direct one."
Me: Oh, I couldn't do that. All I've directed is a two-minute fairy tell for directing class.
Them: Do a staged reading, then. But this is something we think you should do.
So I recruited/auditioned a cast for a staged reading. They loved the play (The Abdication, by Ruth Wolff) so much, and had such faith in me that they insisted we "do it for real." They wanted to memorize the lines, have me really direct it, and have costumes, set, lighting, etc. It really was a situation of me chasing my cast until I got in front of them again. But we did the play "for real" and it was a major challenge, but an unqualified success. And I never would have dared to do it if it hadn't been pushed on me from several directions by people who believed in me more than I believed in myself. The same was true with my video directing experience and my work in marketing and rocketry. My ex-boss had more faith in me than I could fathom, and he pushed me, and I surprised myself -- but not him -- but what I found I could do.
I'm starting to ramble now. But you get the gist of things. . .
Maybe I've posted some of this before (on the spiral path, most important lessons need to be 'learned' more than once), but I've been newly aware of how few of my finest achievements have been the result of my own deliberate choices and my own follow-through.
On reflection, I've realized that perhaps I was being a bit too hard on myself initially, and there were a few more of these achievements than I had realized, but the fundamental realization is still valid, and that is this: there has been very little in my life that I have truly, deeply wanted enough to motivate me to significant, meaningful action that has carried me through to actually getting what I wanted.
The question that follows that is how much of that lack of desire has been because overall I have had a very easy life, with little to provoke the kind of "divine discontent" that spurs meaningful action, and how much is due to my sense of "it wouldn't matter anyway, because what I really want, I could never have"?
At what point in my life did I come to believe that either I had no real power, or that the exercise of my power was a potentially destructive act that should be avoided? (Yes, those "playing small" comments from the retreat have continued to work in my psyche.)
I have realized how often I have been saying "I want ___" but not actually doing something about it. I used to think I was just lazy, but after these last few days I am beginning to get the sense that it's more a matter of somehow missing the connection between desire, will, action, and achievement.
Maybe it's because things came so easily to me when I was young that making an authentic effort was seldom required. And since I was strongly conditioned to remain within the safe and respectable boundaries, and not make other people uncomfortable, that nothing extrordinary was an option for me. And that mindset stuck with me.
So I've searched my heart and my gut and asked myself "What do I want?" and listened for the answers that have some emotional resonance behind them. Four things came up.
1. I want an attractive, comfortable home that will be a shelter for my daughter and me and into which I can welcome anyone at any time without being embarrassed by the clutter/mess.
2. I want to take my daughter to Disneyland next Thanksgiving week.
3. I want to commit to a minimum of 10 minutes a day of prayer/contemplation to deepen my spiritual life. (You'd think I'd already have this one down, wouldn't you, given my vocational path?)
4. I want a strong, healthy, flexible body.
All these are things that no one else can give me. They are all achieveable if I exercise my will and take responsibility for my actions in a way I don't think that I ever have before.
This all feels so damn remedial. But the fact is that most of my best achievements in the past have been required of me, given to me as a task, and/or the result of others believing in me and chasing me into acceptance.
Case in point: the first play I directed. My thesis committee said, "After putting so much work writing about these three plays about Queen Christina, you really should have the opportunity to direct one."
Me: Oh, I couldn't do that. All I've directed is a two-minute fairy tell for directing class.
Them: Do a staged reading, then. But this is something we think you should do.
So I recruited/auditioned a cast for a staged reading. They loved the play (The Abdication, by Ruth Wolff) so much, and had such faith in me that they insisted we "do it for real." They wanted to memorize the lines, have me really direct it, and have costumes, set, lighting, etc. It really was a situation of me chasing my cast until I got in front of them again. But we did the play "for real" and it was a major challenge, but an unqualified success. And I never would have dared to do it if it hadn't been pushed on me from several directions by people who believed in me more than I believed in myself. The same was true with my video directing experience and my work in marketing and rocketry. My ex-boss had more faith in me than I could fathom, and he pushed me, and I surprised myself -- but not him -- but what I found I could do.
I'm starting to ramble now. But you get the gist of things. . .
