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Spiritual Direction
May. 13th, 2004 05:55 amYesterday after work I met with CD, the pastor who invited me to do spiritual direction with one of his volunteer workers. I walked into the meeting still undecided about whether or not I should say yes. I wanted to, but still felt some lingering concerns over whether or not I had sufficient experience to make up for my lack of credentials.
By the end of the conversation I felt that doing it was the right thing. First, CD affirmed that he wasn't particularly interested in whatever official credentials I might or might not have. His desire to have me do this work was a response to who I am, and the gifts that he sees in me, not because I have a certain piece of paper on my wall. Second, the person he described to me that he feels I would be perfect to work with is a young man who just graduated from college with a double major in math and .. . ack! I forgot. But he's evidently both brilliant and painfully awkward socially - but when he's in his own element (such as helping others with math) he blossoms into someone new. In short: he reminds me of the guys I dated in high school. So hopefully I'll be able to relate to and understand him in a similar fashion -- although without the romance, of course!
Finally, and what was the clincher for me, was that as we were talking I suddenly realized that I was feeling like an adult for the first time in far too long.
That may seem strange, but the last time I really felt like a grown-up was when I was the Director of Marketing for the rocket company, fully supporting myself, doing challenging work that gave me joy, out of the marriage that had become such a source of pain, and involved in a new relationship that was exciting and fulfilling, and I was working out regularly at a high-intensity weight-lifting gym where I was one of the strongest women clients. I felt at home in my own skin and in my life, in control of my life and functioning well at all levels.
When CD was talking to me, he was speaking not to a subdordinate, not to a temp, not to a student, but to a mature and skilled person whose talents and abilities he respects and wanted to have contributing to his own life's work -- one that complements and accords with my own. I had forgotten what that felt like. And I liked the feeling.
This is what I'm supposed to be doing, and the offer/request CD is extending to me is a gift that I need to accept. It's also a way for me to give in return. I need to go forward.
By the end of the conversation I felt that doing it was the right thing. First, CD affirmed that he wasn't particularly interested in whatever official credentials I might or might not have. His desire to have me do this work was a response to who I am, and the gifts that he sees in me, not because I have a certain piece of paper on my wall. Second, the person he described to me that he feels I would be perfect to work with is a young man who just graduated from college with a double major in math and .. . ack! I forgot. But he's evidently both brilliant and painfully awkward socially - but when he's in his own element (such as helping others with math) he blossoms into someone new. In short: he reminds me of the guys I dated in high school. So hopefully I'll be able to relate to and understand him in a similar fashion -- although without the romance, of course!
Finally, and what was the clincher for me, was that as we were talking I suddenly realized that I was feeling like an adult for the first time in far too long.
That may seem strange, but the last time I really felt like a grown-up was when I was the Director of Marketing for the rocket company, fully supporting myself, doing challenging work that gave me joy, out of the marriage that had become such a source of pain, and involved in a new relationship that was exciting and fulfilling, and I was working out regularly at a high-intensity weight-lifting gym where I was one of the strongest women clients. I felt at home in my own skin and in my life, in control of my life and functioning well at all levels.
When CD was talking to me, he was speaking not to a subdordinate, not to a temp, not to a student, but to a mature and skilled person whose talents and abilities he respects and wanted to have contributing to his own life's work -- one that complements and accords with my own. I had forgotten what that felt like. And I liked the feeling.
This is what I'm supposed to be doing, and the offer/request CD is extending to me is a gift that I need to accept. It's also a way for me to give in return. I need to go forward.
