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Dream: My Subconscious Strikes Back
All those mental breakthroughs of this week, all the transformations that my conscious mind is so pleased about? My subconscious is not happy. I just woke from a dream in which she reminded me why it's important to identify with Swords/Air and with my powerful Father -- and urged me to continue my resistance to Elemental Water.
In the beginning, there was a bit where I left a younger Wolfling in the movie theater for what was supposed to be a short trip to the concession stand that went on longer than I expected. When we were reunited, she wanted up in my arms and clung to me. This also happened later, in a different setting: not intending to be gone long, I ended up making her think she's been abandoned or forgotten, and when we were back together I held her in my arms for a long time, reassuring us both that.
I don't think it matters to my subconscious that Wolfling is actually much older than in the dream. At some level there's a fear that if I pursue my own needs and desires to the degree that I actually want, it will take me away from her more than I should be gone.
Also early on, I was in a car with a man -- possibly a version of![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
_storyteller_ or uncrowned_king -- showing him my old high school and the administration building next door where my father had his office as superintendent of the school district. From the car, we could see two of his former assistant superintendents, but couldn't get close enough to actually talk to them.
Reminder from my subconscious: my dad's power, authority and influence are not confined to his impact on my life. He has been an authentically powerful person, one who has held a wide variety of community postions, and who can use that power -- and call on his allies and subordinates -- to help me. Whoever the male was in the car with me was not able to help me access that same influence.
And then, the crux of it: my father and mother and Wolfling-or-sister (they often stand in for each other in my dream) and I got on a somewhat run down tour boat (more a converted fishing vessel) which was offering parasail rides: you sit or lie in a harness with a glider above and then are dragged quickly until you rise into the air and start gliding. The boat was captained by a pair of shifty-looking brothers, one of whom was being played by Viggo Mortensen at his sneakiest and greasiest. Viggo, for those of you only recently joining this program, usually has strong positive associations for me due to his portrayal of Aragorn. In this dream, he was playing a shifty deadbeat.
My family was standing in the stern of the boat as it pulled away from the dock -- and shortly after we were underway a huge wave rolled up behind the boat and almost came over the stern. Within the wave were ominous shadows. One of them seemed to be a pilot whale -- probably not dangerous, but not something we'd want on the deck with us. The other was less clear, but from certain angles could have been a shark. The wave never actually broke, and as we expressed alarm the Viggo brother laughed at us and said it was just a projection, an illusion to add excitement to the trip. Looking again, I could see that the water wasn't what I'd thought it was -- but I wasn't convinced that the shadow figures within weren't still potentially dangerous.
"Watch out!" my subconscious screams to me. "You can't open up more to water! It's dangerous! You can't trust it! It doesn't tell the truth, you can't be sure if what you're seeing is real or not! Even your father can't protect you from it, because it's more powerful and dangerous than he is!"
The further we got out into the water, the less comfortable my family got. I saw a little girl of perhaps four years old being strapped into the parasail rig, crying because she didn't want to go. Her mother was worried, but also insistent that she do it. I felt sick to my stomach.
Subconscious: You can't get back into the Air from the Water. It's not safe. You have to rely on untrustworthy methods.
My family gathered and agreed that there was no way we were going to attempt parasailing on this boat, with Greasy Viggo and his brother in charge of things. The whole set-up was not trustworthy, not safe. None of us could do anything about it but not trust the brothers, watch our backs, and hope we made it back to the dock.
Shortly after that, all hell broke loose. The water did start coming in over the boat in huge waves. The brothers weren't able to handle it. The monster they had played at with their projection device (whatever it was) really was in the water around us. More dream-shifts, and the 'storm' was over, but it was revealed that Viggo was actually the 'monster' -- his voice shifted into a squeaky register. The other brother had somehow confined or transformed the actual monster into a human shape. Either it had never been very dangerous or was not dangerous now. . . There may have been more that I can't remember now. . .
So in the end, maybe there had never been any danger at all. . . not from the monster anyway. Did my subconscious finally relent, and agree that maybe what it had been scared of wasn't actually a danger? Or was she making the point that we all had been deceived multiple ways? Both?
So, yeah. . . My subconscious is in an utter panic about the work I've been doing. Elemental Water is dangerous. Powerful father is good. Impotent father and water together = panic mode! Not even my daimon can protect me if I venture out into this territory.
In the beginning, there was a bit where I left a younger Wolfling in the movie theater for what was supposed to be a short trip to the concession stand that went on longer than I expected. When we were reunited, she wanted up in my arms and clung to me. This also happened later, in a different setting: not intending to be gone long, I ended up making her think she's been abandoned or forgotten, and when we were back together I held her in my arms for a long time, reassuring us both that.
I don't think it matters to my subconscious that Wolfling is actually much older than in the dream. At some level there's a fear that if I pursue my own needs and desires to the degree that I actually want, it will take me away from her more than I should be gone.
Also early on, I was in a car with a man -- possibly a version of
_storyteller_ or uncrowned_king -- showing him my old high school and the administration building next door where my father had his office as superintendent of the school district. From the car, we could see two of his former assistant superintendents, but couldn't get close enough to actually talk to them.Reminder from my subconscious: my dad's power, authority and influence are not confined to his impact on my life. He has been an authentically powerful person, one who has held a wide variety of community postions, and who can use that power -- and call on his allies and subordinates -- to help me. Whoever the male was in the car with me was not able to help me access that same influence.
And then, the crux of it: my father and mother and Wolfling-or-sister (they often stand in for each other in my dream) and I got on a somewhat run down tour boat (more a converted fishing vessel) which was offering parasail rides: you sit or lie in a harness with a glider above and then are dragged quickly until you rise into the air and start gliding. The boat was captained by a pair of shifty-looking brothers, one of whom was being played by Viggo Mortensen at his sneakiest and greasiest. Viggo, for those of you only recently joining this program, usually has strong positive associations for me due to his portrayal of Aragorn. In this dream, he was playing a shifty deadbeat.
My family was standing in the stern of the boat as it pulled away from the dock -- and shortly after we were underway a huge wave rolled up behind the boat and almost came over the stern. Within the wave were ominous shadows. One of them seemed to be a pilot whale -- probably not dangerous, but not something we'd want on the deck with us. The other was less clear, but from certain angles could have been a shark. The wave never actually broke, and as we expressed alarm the Viggo brother laughed at us and said it was just a projection, an illusion to add excitement to the trip. Looking again, I could see that the water wasn't what I'd thought it was -- but I wasn't convinced that the shadow figures within weren't still potentially dangerous.
"Watch out!" my subconscious screams to me. "You can't open up more to water! It's dangerous! You can't trust it! It doesn't tell the truth, you can't be sure if what you're seeing is real or not! Even your father can't protect you from it, because it's more powerful and dangerous than he is!"
The further we got out into the water, the less comfortable my family got. I saw a little girl of perhaps four years old being strapped into the parasail rig, crying because she didn't want to go. Her mother was worried, but also insistent that she do it. I felt sick to my stomach.
Subconscious: You can't get back into the Air from the Water. It's not safe. You have to rely on untrustworthy methods.
My family gathered and agreed that there was no way we were going to attempt parasailing on this boat, with Greasy Viggo and his brother in charge of things. The whole set-up was not trustworthy, not safe. None of us could do anything about it but not trust the brothers, watch our backs, and hope we made it back to the dock.
Shortly after that, all hell broke loose. The water did start coming in over the boat in huge waves. The brothers weren't able to handle it. The monster they had played at with their projection device (whatever it was) really was in the water around us. More dream-shifts, and the 'storm' was over, but it was revealed that Viggo was actually the 'monster' -- his voice shifted into a squeaky register. The other brother had somehow confined or transformed the actual monster into a human shape. Either it had never been very dangerous or was not dangerous now. . . There may have been more that I can't remember now. . .
So in the end, maybe there had never been any danger at all. . . not from the monster anyway. Did my subconscious finally relent, and agree that maybe what it had been scared of wasn't actually a danger? Or was she making the point that we all had been deceived multiple ways? Both?
So, yeah. . . My subconscious is in an utter panic about the work I've been doing. Elemental Water is dangerous. Powerful father is good. Impotent father and water together = panic mode! Not even my daimon can protect me if I venture out into this territory.
no subject
I personally don't get why water feels so much more threatening to you than any other element.
I do understand feeling more comfortable or native to one or the other. But the singling out of one as super dangerous doesn't make sense to me.
Is there a particular reason for you?
no subject
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that my sister has a lot of Water in her, and -- as siblings often do -- we polarized as we were growing up. She could create some extremely emotional scenes, which I scorned. She was 'sensitive' and got walked on and hurt a lot. She was empathic but had no idea how to shield. It made the less-likeable qualities of Water strike me in a far more personal way.
no subject
It's likely that if we scorn something in another we're rejecting it within ourselves too. Which divides us, separates us, fragments us and ultimately makes it harder to access our own power and love.
Certainly there are beneficial qualities to all of the elements.
You know this, don't you? I'd be so surprised if you didn't.
no subject
Yes, I know it, and have been working on my relationship with Water for several years now. The breakthroughs this week are in part about being more open to Water, to the intuitive, the non-rational, the aspects of myself that don't fit with being The Queen of Swords.
But there are very deep parts of me that see this process of abandoning much of what keeps me safe. Thus the vivid storytelling by my subconscious trying to get me to reconsider.
no subject
I wish you courage and flexibility as you open to changes that nurture you. :)
no subject
Thanks for the good wishes.
no subject
no subject
I find it fascinating that the water didn't get out of control until after you decided, with your parents' agreement, that the water couldn't be trusted. And the Viggo character didn't turn out to be a monster until you decided, with your parents' agreement, that he couldn't be trusted.
Do you, as an adult, *need* your father's power and influence? The dream showed it as connected to your past, to the world of school, a world where you no longer belong or participate.
Finally, dreams aren't always about real risks; they're as likely to be about fears. Are the fears based on reality or on family habit?
no subject
Absolutely this is about family habits and old patterns. That's what part of me is clinging to. I suspect that I may want to do some ritual around working with these parts of myself to reassure them that my life is not about to go to hell in a handbasket.
no subject