Making a Different Choice

[qos]

I left work at noon today because I simply couldn't concentrate on my job.

When I got home I read some LJ and then started playing my computer poker game -- fully aware of the fact that I was doing it to avoid dealing with my pain. You're going to have to deal with it sooner or later my inner voice told me. I know, I replied. I just need some space first.

The inner voice shut up. When I realized I couldn't avoid it any longer, I went upstairs, got into my soft loungy clothes, and lay down. Okay I thought -- but as soon as the ache started to move through me, I flinched away. And then I started crying a little, and then I reached out to Lohain.

I spent some time just being with my pain, and with him, and cherishing a couple of supportive emails from oakmouse that came through on my gadget. And then I changed into my workout clothes, came downstairs, and walked more than two miles on my treadmill.

I did not take a nap to hide from the pain, nor did I walk across the street to buy nachos to distract myself and try to offset the pain with food pleasure, nor did I drink alcohol. I walked until I was sweaty and starting to feel hollow inside. I'm proud of myself.

Now I'm going to take a shower and then go get soup and bread and grilled shrimp on the barbey for dinner.

Comments

[qos.livejournal.com]

Thank you. As I think I commented yesterday: I'm only now starting to realize that even though I've accepted a lot of hard emotions, I've been blocking many of them as well.

[blessed-harlot.livejournal.com]

Wow, well done. Your actions were brave and deeply caring.

[qos.livejournal.com]

Thank you. And I'm realizing that I feel much better than I would have if I had made those other choices.

[oakmouse]

Yay. YOU GO! I'm proud of you, and so is J. (And so is L, as if you need to be told. ;)

[qos.livejournal.com]

Thank you!!

[lupagreenwolf.livejournal.com]

Facing our emotions can be tough even on the best days. This situation can't be easy for you, even without the emotional content. *hugs*

[qos.livejournal.com]

As I've told teriel recently: I usually feel like I do a pretty good job being open to my emotions, but this grief has been more painful than anything in a very long time, and sometimes I do just want to hide from it or numb it. It felt good to be able to overcome the avoidance.

Or at least, it felt good once it was over.

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

you should be proud of yourself.
you did the healthy things for you.
brava!

[qos.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm proud of myself too!

[labelleizzy.livejournal.com]

(me steals the "goodstuff" food icon!)