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Anniversaries
I went out for drinks after work this evening with three of the other women on my team.
Overall it was a good time. Except for the fact that all three of them have or had wedding anniversaries within a couple of weeks -- and, understandably, they were all enjoying talking about their plans.
And I could say nothing.
I sat there and listened and smiled and affirmed that it all sounded wonderful. And I tried not to let on that each new story felt like another wound in my heart. Each shared confidence reminded me of all I have lost, all that will never be.
On May 31st it will have been a year since Lohain's death.
That's the anniversary I'm preparing to observe.
The pain is less than it was, but it hasn't gone away.
The wound is not as raw, but there is still a hole in my life where he should be.
There's no need to rush things, he told me. We have plenty of time.
God, I want him back.
Overall it was a good time. Except for the fact that all three of them have or had wedding anniversaries within a couple of weeks -- and, understandably, they were all enjoying talking about their plans.
And I could say nothing.
I sat there and listened and smiled and affirmed that it all sounded wonderful. And I tried not to let on that each new story felt like another wound in my heart. Each shared confidence reminded me of all I have lost, all that will never be.
On May 31st it will have been a year since Lohain's death.
That's the anniversary I'm preparing to observe.
The pain is less than it was, but it hasn't gone away.
The wound is not as raw, but there is still a hole in my life where he should be.
There's no need to rush things, he told me. We have plenty of time.
God, I want him back.
no subject
"So on that level yes -- we do still have plenty of time."
I understand this. And I'm glad you know this.
I understand also that he is irreplaceable. Each person, each love is individual and therefore one of a kind.
I'm glad you do know that you still have room for love even without him being present.
I can't imagine what it may feel like for you and quite honestly don't want to imagine because I know that sooner or later the immediate physical presence of my most loved one will be taken if only temporarily. Temporary could mean a lifetime or a few years in a lifetime but thats more than enough to frighten the bejezuss out of me. So for me it's best to only live with the now and know how precious the moments are.
In the face of death every moment with our loved one is precious.
If I think about that inevitability too much then I'll grasp too much and mess with the beauty of the moment.
I'm really glad that he still talks with you and you with him. I'm glad you do still feel him. Not everyone is able to make and maintain that connection. Though I understand perfectly well how you would still miss him.
Take care you.