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The Grail Question & Nurturing Friendships
According to one stream of Grail lore, there was a certain point at which the Quest could not go forward unless the Grail Knight asked the Wounded King What ails thee? Some knights failed at this point because they were too "polite" to make such a personal inquiry of their host, who had a wound which crippled him and never healed. Others failed because they simply didn't care. Daring deeds are great -- but compassionate interest is essential.
This morning, I am going to suggest that there is a similar rule where friendships are concerned. Once again, I've found myself smacked in the face by a pattern that's been repeating itself in my life recently, and having it happen with someone new helps to highlight what's been going on elsewhere.
The issue is that of asking questions: curious, caring, interested questions.
I recently drew a line with someone who used to be a very good friend because I realized that not only was I always the first to email or call, his return emails had stopped including any inquiries about me, my life, my well-being. He never so much as asked, "How are you?" much less made specific inquiries into areas of my life which he knew were important to me. I care deeply about this person, but over time have become convinced that he doesn't care for me --not in a meaningful way. He certainly doesn't seem to take any active interest in me or my life.
Last night I was disturbed to see the same pattern with someone else. We had at least four or five different email streams going. When I finished all of his latest replies last night, I realized that none of them included questions to me about either those topics or new ones. Had we just talked everything out? Maybe -- but there was no invitation on his part to continue the conversation in any way. No curiosity expressed about me. As I look back through the past emails, I see this is actually the way his emails have been all along. I was the one whose questions prolonged the conversation. As with the other friend, he was happy to answer questions, to talk about himself, but never got around to inviting me to share more, or to dig deeper into my life and thoughts in any way.
These two people happen to be male, but I'm not going to put this down to male-ness. Two of my best correspondents are also male, and are very good about asking about me -- sometimes just dropping a line to say "I haven't heard from you in a while. How are you?"
I was taught that at the very least it's good conversational manners to ask questions that invite the other person to share and contribute. When the other person is supposed to be a friend, it becomes an expression of caring. A question doesn't have to be a lead-in to an intense personal discussion or philosophical debate. It's the simple expression of interest that maintains connection: How are you doing? Anything new going on in your life? How is your special interest activity going?
Now that this pattern has been highlighted, I'm going to be even more aware of how often *I* express active concern about and interest in the lives of those I say I care about.
ETA I think it's important to point out that the relationships I cite above are primarily long-distance ones. If we saw each other more often, they might be able to express caring in other ways. That said, I still think that actively expressing interest in the other person and inviting him/her to share is a critically important expressing of caring.
This morning, I am going to suggest that there is a similar rule where friendships are concerned. Once again, I've found myself smacked in the face by a pattern that's been repeating itself in my life recently, and having it happen with someone new helps to highlight what's been going on elsewhere.
The issue is that of asking questions: curious, caring, interested questions.
I recently drew a line with someone who used to be a very good friend because I realized that not only was I always the first to email or call, his return emails had stopped including any inquiries about me, my life, my well-being. He never so much as asked, "How are you?" much less made specific inquiries into areas of my life which he knew were important to me. I care deeply about this person, but over time have become convinced that he doesn't care for me --not in a meaningful way. He certainly doesn't seem to take any active interest in me or my life.
Last night I was disturbed to see the same pattern with someone else. We had at least four or five different email streams going. When I finished all of his latest replies last night, I realized that none of them included questions to me about either those topics or new ones. Had we just talked everything out? Maybe -- but there was no invitation on his part to continue the conversation in any way. No curiosity expressed about me. As I look back through the past emails, I see this is actually the way his emails have been all along. I was the one whose questions prolonged the conversation. As with the other friend, he was happy to answer questions, to talk about himself, but never got around to inviting me to share more, or to dig deeper into my life and thoughts in any way.
These two people happen to be male, but I'm not going to put this down to male-ness. Two of my best correspondents are also male, and are very good about asking about me -- sometimes just dropping a line to say "I haven't heard from you in a while. How are you?"
I was taught that at the very least it's good conversational manners to ask questions that invite the other person to share and contribute. When the other person is supposed to be a friend, it becomes an expression of caring. A question doesn't have to be a lead-in to an intense personal discussion or philosophical debate. It's the simple expression of interest that maintains connection: How are you doing? Anything new going on in your life? How is your special interest activity going?
Now that this pattern has been highlighted, I'm going to be even more aware of how often *I* express active concern about and interest in the lives of those I say I care about.
ETA I think it's important to point out that the relationships I cite above are primarily long-distance ones. If we saw each other more often, they might be able to express caring in other ways. That said, I still think that actively expressing interest in the other person and inviting him/her to share is a critically important expressing of caring.
no subject
Of course I was curious, and of course I felt sorry for the king who was obviously in pain. But I thought that if the king wanted to share, he would whenever he was ready for it. He would not wait for an invitation coming from me.
But I was wrong, he did wait for a question from me. I didn't ask it, and therefore he didn't share his pain.
So we both waited and both ended with nothing.
Okay, the wounded king in my case was not a king. He was a lot of people, and the most important one was my wife. My ex-wife. She felt very lonely because I never asked about her feelings. And I felt lonely because she never told me about her feelings.
She would frequently ask me about my feelings, and I talked and talked about those, and while I talked about me, I kept on wondering why she didn't talk about her. While at the same time she wondered why I never asked anything.
Did I learn from this? I hope I have.
When I wonder about how someone is feeling, I still feel the urge to wait for the person to be ready to tell me, but I fight that urge and force myself to ask.
no subject
What I usually do is preface a question with something to make it clear that I'm venturing into potentially sensitive territory. For example, I'll sometimes start with, "If you're comfortable sharing. . ." I want the other person to know I care, know I'm interested, but also that I respect his or her privacy and am ready to withdraw the question without hard feelings if they don't want to talk about it.
One of my best girlfriends often doesn't like to talk about things that are bothering her. But I can't always be sure if a topic falls under that heading or not, so I'll ask, "Do you want to talk about. . .?" and she'll say yes or no as she needs to -- but she also then knows that I'm not indifferent to her feelings or situation.