Wednesday

[qos]

I spent yesterday pulled back into myself. I did not go to the Day of Reflection. I stayed home and spent most of the day reading Kushiel's Dart. Today I feel some regret about having missed the DoR, but on Tuesday morning I felt so beaten down physically and mentally, the thought of driving there, mixing with lots of people all day, and going along with someone else's agenda (even though I had been on the planning committee), was just more than I wanted to deal with. Unlike some people who escape stress and get outside themselves by mixing, I withdraw, bear-like, into my cave.

He was supportive, expressing both regret that I wasn't going to be there, but also a sense of relief, because it had been clear to him that I was under a lot of stress and was having a hard time living up to my responsibilities. He doesn't know where he's going to find someone else to be president, he says -- which I regret on one level, but was a nice confirmation of my sense a few months ago of "If not me, who?"

I have been startled by how much I'm enjoying Kushiel's Dart, which I'm reading thanks to the strong recommendations of raptures_shadow and mommybird. The characters are very likeable, the plot is intricate, and - best of all - there is a very strong resonanace between one of her heroes (Joscelin) and a central character in my own long-stalled novel-in-progress. (My character was expelled from his order of warrior-priests before my own story starts, but he too ends up the reluctant guardian of a young woman who turns his world inside-out.) This story has been priming my creative pump, and for the first time in months I'm coming up with new ideas to fill in the gaps of my own story. Nothing is inspired directly by events in Kushiel, it's just calling to something long-dormant in myself. And that's a very good feeling.

My second Christology paper arrived in the mail yesterday: another 95/100. (That's five for five, for those keeping score.) Next up: Christian Ethics.

I'm trying to "keep faith with all that is unsettled within" me, and continue on my path, but the issue of whether I'm more suited to being a pastor or a professor continues to press on me. An unofficial poll of my friends (including a magical elder who I ran into at the grocery store yesterday - someone I hadn't seen in many years) has been consistent on the "professor" side. People seem me far more easily as a teacher than as a spiritual shepherd. Even Matt (he of last week's kiss) referred to my "intellectual generosity" as reminding him of the profs at the small, highly-selective, liberal arts college that is our alma mater.

When I think of what I want to do, it is to help people explore their own questions, companion them on that journey, provide language and context and maps. I'm not a liturgist. I'm not good at touching peoples' hearts and souls with ritual - and while I'm sure I could learn some of those skills, it gives me less pleasure to contemplate that growth than becoming more skilled and knowledgable in other areas.

I started that road once before and did not go forward on it. In fact, my graduate school profs the first time around never talked to me about my career plans, talked to me about Ph.D. work. I never understood that. I've started a new path now, saying I wanted to be a pastor -- but I'm backing off from that. I hate the thought of yet another false start. But it could perhaps be that it's an upward spiral? I'm hoping so. . .

Comments

[philosofialogos.livejournal.com]

Unlike some people who escape stress and get outside themselves by mixing, I withdraw, bear-like, into my cave.


Me, too. I have had too much of the mixing lately and not enough of the cave.

an upward spiral?

[thomryng.livejournal.com]

I've spent an awful lot of my life failing ever upward. I recommend it.

[toesontheground.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I tend to be a "caver" too. Well done with the grades! It's difficult to say anything about the vocation issue from here! What were your initial reasons for feeling this was your path? (I'm wondering about seperating out "cold-feet" and a kind of loss of confidence" from learnign about yourself and changing) Mmmmm...

[qos.livejournal.com]

I'm wondering about seperating out "cold-feet" and a kind of loss of confidence" from learnign about yourself and changing

You're coming pretty close to naming the issue, Barry. I don't feel like it's "cold feet" -- because I'm not afraid of the pastoral path. I'm just getting an increasing sense that it's not the best use of my gifts.

No time to go into the "initial reasons" for the pastoral path. Later, I hope. . .

[circebleu.livejournal.com]

Have you ever considered becoming a pastoral counselor? After a few years of psychotherapy I quit and then went on to see a pastoral counselor. Even though I don't consider myself a Christian, it was a wonderful experience. We did a lot of Jungian work together.

[qos.livejournal.com]

Have you ever considered becoming a pastoral counselor?

Not really. . . I can imagine helping people close to me work through certain kinds of problems, but not making it a full-time focus.

My primary gifts and interests lie elsewhere.

But I appreciate the suggestion. :-)