Gray

[qos]

It's been a gray few days, and I'm contemplating going to a therapist again. The archetypal identity crisis of October-November has been pretty much resolved, but now I'm left again with the feeling that my emotions are stuck in this narrow band in the center, that my energy and creativity are not what they once were, and trying to figure out where all my passion went, and if it's ever coming back. I could easily live without romantic and sexual passion, but I miss the creative and energetic passion. The daily grind got mixed up with the crisis. When I dealt with the crisis, I thought this part had gone away too, but it hasn't.

I feel boring, blah, detached and passive.

None of which are qualities which I associate with my authentic self.

But as long as I'm writing something: thanks to whoever called me a Heartthrob Pirate! That made me smile.

This afternoon I'm taking my Gene Juarez gift card to the spa and having a whole body treatment involving massage, oils, wraps, and other arcane luxury 'stuff.' I expect it to be the best part of my week.

And happy birthday, dear saskia139!

Comments

[qos.livejournal.com]

I could easily live without romantic and sexual passion...I'm not sure I believe you.

The fact is, when I look at my life, when I list what I really want to have in my life, romance and passion are not really on the list. athenian_abroad made a fascinating observation a few weeks ago: that sometimes there are things we feel like we should want, or should want to be, but when it comes right down to it, we really don't want them.

I have good memories of romance and passion. Part of me would like to be the kind of person who has those experiences again. But I don't actually want it. I don't miss it except in a kind of abstract way. I remember what it feels like to ache for someone, or to feel alone in my bed and wish for someone to be there, or to wish for that special kind of companionship. I don't feel those things anymore.

I may feel them again one day. But right now, I am keenly aware of the lack of creative passion, and I miss that, I ache for that. If I was offered the choice between having my muse back or having a really wonderful boyfriend, I'd choose my muse. No contest. (Fortunately, it's not an either/or.)

On the other hand, I do consider it likely that part of the depression has to do with the unresolved issues from my last two relationships. But that's not the same as not feeling any particular desire for a new relationship. Related, yes. But not the same.

I'll keep you posted. :-)