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George Bailey & Me
I've been having some serious George Bailey feelings during the last few days. (George Baily - Jimmy Stewart - "It's a Wonderful Life")
During Christology class last weekend, Fr. R. told us, "I don't think that there's going to be a doctrinal quiz after we die. What's going to happen is that God is going to invite us into a nice room, seat us in a comfortable chair, offer us a drink, and then say, 'So tell me what you did with the life I gave you. Who is better off because you lived?'"
I've put a lot of effort in my life into being thoughtful of others, respectful of others, not doing harm to anyone. But when it comes down to brass tacks, that's not much. What have I actively done to help others? Not much. How have I touched the lives of others in such a way as to have made their lives better? Not much. I've been a good friend to my friends. But have I really made a difference? Not much that I've seen. Perhaps *more* than I'm aware of? Perhaps.
I keep coming back to how self-centered I've been all my life. How little I've put time and effort into actively helping and supporting others. To making a difference in the world, even the small part of it in which I move.
How much "use" have I been to anyone but myself?
I wish I knew.
I hope it's more than I'm aware of right now.
Unlike George Bailey, I'm in no way inclined to write myself off as a failure and throw myself off a bridge. To use old spiritual language, I'm feeling "convicted" of my shortcomings. My immaturity. It's been depressing to think about how much of what I've been proud of in my life has had so little to do with actually making a difference.
So what am I going to do about it?
First, reach out to my friends and family more, in a less self-centered way. It's where I need to start: to care more for the people around me.
Second, to step up my job search and find a job with an organization which is actively working for positive change in the world. There's nothing wrong with cell phones, but they aren't exactly social activists. I worked for a grant-writing organization a few assignments back. There have to be more orgs like that in the city I'm in. I have limited resources of time and energy, and since I have to work for a living, at least I can choose work that is aligned with my values and my spiritual path.
From there, I'll take stock again.
During Christology class last weekend, Fr. R. told us, "I don't think that there's going to be a doctrinal quiz after we die. What's going to happen is that God is going to invite us into a nice room, seat us in a comfortable chair, offer us a drink, and then say, 'So tell me what you did with the life I gave you. Who is better off because you lived?'"
I've put a lot of effort in my life into being thoughtful of others, respectful of others, not doing harm to anyone. But when it comes down to brass tacks, that's not much. What have I actively done to help others? Not much. How have I touched the lives of others in such a way as to have made their lives better? Not much. I've been a good friend to my friends. But have I really made a difference? Not much that I've seen. Perhaps *more* than I'm aware of? Perhaps.
I keep coming back to how self-centered I've been all my life. How little I've put time and effort into actively helping and supporting others. To making a difference in the world, even the small part of it in which I move.
How much "use" have I been to anyone but myself?
I wish I knew.
I hope it's more than I'm aware of right now.
Unlike George Bailey, I'm in no way inclined to write myself off as a failure and throw myself off a bridge. To use old spiritual language, I'm feeling "convicted" of my shortcomings. My immaturity. It's been depressing to think about how much of what I've been proud of in my life has had so little to do with actually making a difference.
So what am I going to do about it?
First, reach out to my friends and family more, in a less self-centered way. It's where I need to start: to care more for the people around me.
Second, to step up my job search and find a job with an organization which is actively working for positive change in the world. There's nothing wrong with cell phones, but they aren't exactly social activists. I worked for a grant-writing organization a few assignments back. There have to be more orgs like that in the city I'm in. I have limited resources of time and energy, and since I have to work for a living, at least I can choose work that is aligned with my values and my spiritual path.
From there, I'll take stock again.
no subject
It is good to be a kind, good friend. I know I can't claim that I have done that for most of my life: it's something I've come into with growing up emotionally, and with getting out of my depression stage. Who knows what ripple effects that effort has had?
If you want to step up and do more in the wider world now, to the extent you can find a way, that's cool too - I encourage it.
no subject
I love it when people use the original sense of hamartao! (Although I may have transliterated it in the wrong form. It has been seven years at least since I studied Greek.)
You are right, and I have no intention of wallowing in this or seek some sort of penace. But in order to change, I first have to realize that I need to change. And that's what this time is about.
Onward and upward!